Ending

I cried when I realized that today is the last day of 2007. My tears were mixed with feelings of regret and hope. There were some days when it felt like the end would never come, like I wouldn’t ever make it this far. Now I wish I could go back in time and do some things over, soak it in a little more, appreciate the stress and let the tensions of cross-cultural life settle in as they desired as was inevitable rather than fighting them and letting them overwhelm me. I wish I could have taken some things just a little lighter, others I should have let them hit me harder. We do what we do to survive and sometimes the pain is too much for us to stand. Next time I will be a little less vulnerable, but maybe not. Vulnerability isn’t a choice sometimes.

God has been so good to allow me this opportunity of seeking and pursuing the desires of my heart and I think I have grown more than I can understand.

I don’t really know how to process my leaving Zambia, I want to hold on a little longer but I have heard the word, Go. I wanted it when it came but now I wish I hadn’t heard it or that I could just ignore it.

He said to me “Depart, depart, go out from there! Touch no unclean thing! Come out from it and be pure, you who carry the vessels of the Lord. But you will not go in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard” Isaiah 58:11,12.

When I opened My Utmost for His Highest this morning God affirmed His word to me and gently whispered peace to me, “Megan, for now you need to leave, don’t struggle, don’t fight, just go and I will go before and behind you. I am with you” The Chapter addressed for this last day of 2007 was Isaiah 58 “for ye shall not go out with haste, for the Lord will go before you”.

Yesterday the preacher said the year of 2008 was the year of new beginnings, a year of re-birth and I hold on to this as a word for me. This new year holds hope of better things to come, lessons learned in the past will come to show themselves in this New Year, and I will be different, changed. Today I stood in the kitchen making some treats for tonight and thought, I have to believe that God is able, that his power is supernatural, which means it doesn’t matter who I have been so far, He is still able to do something different in me. It sounds basic but I don’t think it is basic to believe it.

Yesterday
Security for Today. “For ye shall not go out with haste.” As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, unremembering delight, nor with the flight of impulsive thoughtlessness, but with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ.

Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest-

Answers

God's timing is not my own.
Trust
It's not easy

(Is that a haiku? :)

Trust I think might mean to believe that all things work together for the good of those who love Christ Jesus. So, when something is going in a way that is completely opposite of our desire and heart, we have to have peace knowing that our ways are not God's ways and if He doesn't allow something we can trust that it will still be for our good.

I tried to remember this as we were rushing to make it to immigration an hour away that we were told closed at 1pm. It was 12 and we were delayed leaving early in the morning for some reasons beyond my control. I pushed the gas hard, feeling a little out of control as I knew if I didn't arrive in time I would have to leave Zambia in only a day. I willed the car to perform well, I willed the immigration office to stay open just a minute or so late if we couldn't make it in time. I thought of whether God could bless irrational behavior as I settled myself a bit, we'll make it in time, the speed limit gets us there in an hour, it will be fine. I looked down at the dashboard only to find the temperature of the vehicle outstandingly high. Pulled over. Crying. Desperate...I'm not going to make it in time. This happened before with this car, something was wrong with it and it was overheating. Jacob said to keep driving, just keep it between 60 - 80 kph and it should be fine. It didn't feel fine as water was gurggling and boiling all over but we thought he knew best and got back in. I prayed that car into cool temperatures and felt it was working until all of a sudden the temperature rose again. It was 12:45, I cried some more as two angels walked up, released the water valve to let out the pressure, ran to find a random flower watering can in the middle of nowhere filled with water to fill up our empty water container in the car. We rushed on after 5 minutes to make it, praying all the way, asking for favor...I jumped out of the car, threw the keys to Natalie and ran to the door of the immigration only to find he had just left. I cried again as his secretary told me I could talk to the man next door. Shaking I entered and sat down with a sigh as I handed him my request letter. He sent me down to the next door of a man named Macbeth. Macbeth told me the office was open until 5pm, no worries, just get your ticket, make some copies, and we can handle this for you. Instant relief as I inwardly rebuked myself...isn't God in control?!

All this toil, a chasing after wind.

Money is coming, a place to go on Friday, an extension on my visa...wait patiently for the salvation of the Lord, He will not delay, although it seems that He may tarry, wait for it.

Malawi holds my next destination. I will be there for the next three weeks working with Somebody Cares before I go to South Africa to do my final reporting with them and make my way back to the States. My plans have changed a bit, I need to keep things simple or I get overwhelmed so my hopes for Europe are dwindling, maybe a long lay-over will do for now. I think I need to be home soon, a breaking has begun inside me and I think it necessary to have some support around to hold me.

God answers, He knows what I need even before I ask, he has begun to answer.

Obscurity

Leaning into the mist...leaning into God...right now it feels the same to me but I have to know from experience that God, although unseen, is dependable.

I leave in 8 days and have no where to go, at least today I don't. If I look ahead of today I feel overwhelmed with plans that I don't know how to make. How do I say goodbye, how do I plan for accommodations in another country, how do I keep my head on straight enough to do all this and finish my projects here in Zambia? Will someone come and take care of these things for me? Puh-leeeease???

I'm stepping into the unknown in literally every area of my life and I feel a little crazy. I don't want to leave Africa, and yet I feel it is time to go, for now at least. I'm crying a lot...not that it is abnormal for me to do so but I am hurting deep in my heart and need to hear from God on some things. Time isn't enough and it feels even shorter now than it has before. Is it possible to make an announcement to all of Zambia?

"My Dear Zambia, Iam leaving you and I want you to know how much it hurts me. I don't want you to forget me. I know it will be impossible for me to forget you. I love you. I have you in my heart, in my blood, in my skin. My life has become rich because of you. I have learnt what it means to live in a new way from you. You hold the smiles that bring joy to my heart, light to my face. Your colors are inspirational to me, your love has been healing to me. You have been my mother, my father, my brother and sister. When you notice that I have gone, know that it isn't because I have forgotten you. I haven't left because I didn't love you.I wish to come again. My children, little ones that call my name from the road, know that I cherish you more than words can express. Your futures weigh on my heart and I pray for hope for you, life and freedom from the cares and hurts you have known prematurely. I love you like a mother. I miss you already and will come back to you soon"

Pray for my heart, for light that exposes the darkness...

Merry

Merry Christmas!!! Look towards a new year always makes me excited. I love setting goals, thinking of the new things that are ahead to experience and enjoy. I hope you all have felt peace and joy in this season....but I feel like many of you have felt stress and maybe a little bit of pressure from the busy-ness of this season?

Christmas is simple here. Dancing, Singing, Eating if you have food (our kitchen was empty so we didn't feast as my stomach longed to). I took a walk and heard a chorus of smiling children echoing my Christmas greeting, "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, How are You?" A mass of hands waving in the air as I walked further down the road looking back and smiling. I walked to another house that was having a party and danced in front of too many people who enjoyed watching the M'zungu dance. I love dancing so it was fun, but I didn't realize that the song was dedicated to me, which meant I had to dance alone, in front of everyone. The day was mainly uneventful until evening when we got together with Naomi, Joe and Matthew, my favorite people here, and played UNO. We laughed a lot and had a good time. We stayed up till Midnight just to get the fullness out of the day, half-asleep on the couches until we were allowed to go to bed.

We had only arrived back in Zambia on Monday morning from a crazy adventure to Tanzania to see Dar Es Salaam and Zanzibar. We spent over four of our days on buses but made up for it by snorkeling in the Indian Ocean, riding on a boat that looked like a pirate ship, and riding the waves of the ocean as though we were born for the sea kind of life. It's the natural things that are so amazing...the ocean, looking at zebra fish and strange coral things that seemed to be breathing and swallowing salt water...that's the good stuff! :) I ate prawns and rice and drank fresh coconut milk, mangoes sprinkled with Chili, Pineapple slices with chili, fresh papaya...basically it was my kind of heaven. We walked through markets that smelled of fresh cilantro, cucumber and peppers. Spices rose in the air, cinnamon tree bark piled on tables, curry powder, ginger, cardamon pods, cloves...Spices. Another rich world that I feel sorry so many are scared to go explore. It was amazing.

when a heart doesn't know....

Four more weeks....four more weeks and then I will be quitting Zambia, leaving as though my heart has not been imprinted with its images, touched by it's people.

I used to say that I loved saying goodbye, but that was a lie actually. I love it when it is possible for me to say goodbye, but it rarely is. I hold too many things in my heart for much too long. I am not sure how to feel right now, I want to pull away, but know that my last few weeks will be ruined if I follow my instincts in this matter. No running away, I don't know what the future holds, to run may mean to say goodbye too early.

I think I may not have a home anymore, not now at least. My heart is a nomad. If it were not for the need of a good chiropractor, dentist, and other attention I might decide just to stay and forget this idea of leaving, but, that is only "If".


News:
I am hungry right now, hungry for Indian food I think and I might just go get some after I'm done on the computer. I posted some new pictures that are actually quite old now, but I think you might be happy to see them.

JOY

First of all, let me apologize for not getting back to you all regularly on Email. With my month away the emails have backed up and for some reason email has been a rare thing to access of late. This may not change too much in this next month or so so I hope that you all can just love me and know that I love you in return, even though I am not responding too much.

So, God has been teaching me about JOY and LOVE. They have been on my heart for a while but I think I need to be reminded of what God does and how we works. In church on Sunday I read through Isaiah 58 during the prayer time and felt so clearly God asking me to stop looking at myself, my weaknesses, my hurts, and to look towards others through Him. I think I can get caught in a place of self-pity, wanting to be understood rather than focusing on understanding. I heard very clearly that I was to turn my eyes to others and the meaning of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" became real. I felt full as I sat there reflecting on what God was saying to me, to give rather than receive is truly the best, but we get so caught up in receiving, so desperate to have our needs met before we can be content rather than do for others what we long for so much in our own selves.

Remember that little saying about JOY we learned when we were young?

Jesus
Others
You

I think it's true. And I have been getting excited about it.

I am also feeling strongly that God has designed me and called me to be a mother. Not just of my own children but of those around me that I seem to attract, specifically young girls. He has called me to be for them what they need, to use my nurturing spirit to give them love. I don't know what this will look like, but I see that this has been a consistent theme of my time here and something that my passions excite at the thought of. I already have a few daughters here in Zambia and I wonder, where will God have me.

Please pray for further direction and discernment as I face my future. I feel like the rest of my time in Africa is up in the air. Zambia is only for sure until the 30th of this month when my Permit expires, January is still unclear, and I will go back to South Africa the first week of February. Still feeling a bit misplaced, but wanting to make the best of the opportunities I have.

God has blessed me with Natalie. I find that I have motivation when I have someone beside me. I crave the presence of another, it is the way God created me. I am a relational being. I don't need to do everything with someone, but I need to have someone around, to know that I am not alone. I'm enjoying the girl talks, the dance parties, and just having someone else in the house. Thank you Lord for every good and perfect gift!

Up and then down

So much has happened since I arrived back home in Roan. I can't begin to explain the range of emotions flowing through me, fear, insecurity, sadness, and a bit of defeat...please pray for me that I would have an open heart for all that lies ahead of me. A forgiving heart for all that lies behind, and a hopeful heart to see God is in control from the beginning to the end.

A new girl from Footprints has joined me in my house today, her name is Natalie. She is young and fun and I truly pray that we will have a great time together during the month and a bit we are together before I make my journey homeward. It feels as though things are ending quickly and I don't like it. I have been alone here in Roan for so long and now there is someone new, and I feel as though my time here is coming to conclusion. I know everyone back home is eager to have me home but I feel a heaviness in my heart. I don't want it to feel good to go home, but I almost feel pushed out, you know, like when a younger person comes in to head the company you have been working for for a million years, like where is my place? I feel things too deeply, make them bigger than needed at times, just bear with me. But, there are things flowing through me that have brought me to a bad place. The enemy only desires to kill and destroy, and I can see how he desires to stain the end of my time here in Zambia and I am in a war to fight the lies, the feelings, and hold on to the Truth of God and be real. There is a wound inside of me, a deep one, and from time to time I see clearly as though I am looking at it in the mirror, and I am surprised that I am still protesting, that it hasn't been healed yet. I wanted God to change me, to rid me of all the ugliness in me. I hoped I would be perfected while here in Zambia :) silly maybe, but I had a hope that it would happen. Sadly, I am still a flawed human being, needing to reach out to her Savior for a refuge. Just pray for me, that I would be filled with Love and not anger or fear.

News:
I have had one serious proposal since I have been back in Roan, marriage was due to occur next July, all without my acceptance or belief that it was in earnest. We have settled on just being friends :) Funny adventures.

Mom said you wanted to know what I did for Thanksgiving...it was a funny day actually. I forget about the American holiday's until mom reminds me that this is Christmas time or something like that. It is hot here, no decorations, no one to remind me that a day is approaching that has significance somewhere...I am disconnected to these days here in Africa. But, I wanted to do something, so I decided to make Pumpkin pie from scratch. Mom sent alone a recipe with JR but when I was at the grocery store I forgot what a pumpkin looked like, so I bought a oval green one. I realized my mistake once returning home but heard from a friend that Butternut squash works well, so I used that instead. About 30 minutes into my baking the electricity went out in the house so I decided to keep the pie in the oven and let it go until the electricity came back. I was happy and relieved to find the pie was fully cooked and delicious in the end.

The day after thanksgiving my friends in Masaiti, a neighboring area, invited me over for real thanksgiving dinner, but when we arrived at their place we found their electricity had been out for over half the day. We waited to see if it would come back and then by 7pm decided that we would exchange our roasted chicken for a nice Indian dinner at our one and only restaurant in town. It was fun, spicy, and typical for Africa. We did get together again on Sunday and had our roasted chicken, green bean casserole made with only real onions, not those canned ones, and mashed potatoes made with soured milk, a result of the lost electricity. Nothing was wasted, all was delicious and appreciated, especially the pumpkin pie for dessert. :)

Back Home

I think for the first time in my life a small town isn't scaring me, but bringing peace. I have missed Zambia and when I think of leaving my family here I begin to feel heartsick. My journey home was an adventure to say the least. I did in fact travel with people I sorta knew, so I wasn't being reckless or unsafe, but the journey was still quite the experience.



Brooke dropped me off at the Zimbabwean border where a man named Farai picked me up and took me to Mutari while trying to convince me to have a white wedding with him. I met the family of the Zambian girl who just was married at the train station in Mutari and waited for the overnight train to set off. We booked a sleeper car but it should have been called a freezing cold bruiser car. The window wouldn't go up so we were blasted with cold air the whole night. They don't provide blankets or anything and I didn't know I needed any so...I froze. The beds were hard and uncomfortable. I think I have bruises from the bed. Couldn't even think of using the toilet it was so disgusting...I suffered... :)



We arrived in Harare early in the morning and took a taxi to the bus station where we boarded a 10 hour bus from harare to Lusaka, in Zambia. By this time I beginning to feel sick and not looking forward to the long journey but we made it without too many strange things happening except for a very suspicious sausage that against my better judgement I had a bit of....this may have been a leading contributor to my sour stomach for the next few days up to today.



Okay, so I am home, and feeling good about the next few weeks. I may only be in Zambia for 6 more weeks until I will be leaving, going back to Malawi for a bit before I make my journey home. I plan to go back to South Africa in February to do my de-briefing and then homeward bound.



I just lost all of my writing juices so I will write more later when I get a chance. Thanks to all for the prayers for my time...it was really wonderfuL!

Where in the world is the African Daesy???

...Mozambique...





Another country, another experience, another world. Mozambique is very different from Zambia and Malawi...to me it is South American, but they are African. The language spoken here is Portuguese so I understand a whole lot more than usual and I want to speak in Spanish everywhere I go.



I am here visiting my friend Brooke at another Hands@Work location. Brooke is amazing to me in all that she is doing and I have to fight those critical thoughts that bring me to wishing I could have done more of what she is doing. Since the moment I arrived we have been busy. Planning for a Zambian wedding in Mozambique is quite the adventure. Brooke's current roommate is Zambian and is marrying a guy from here and is in the wedding, so I have been part of that drama a bit. Plus Brooke still has her daily work. Monday she goes to the Hospital and prays for patients, Tuesday we went out on Home Based Care where I served as pharmacist and loved it. You know, I would really love to be a nurse...if that whole problem of blacking out whenever someone gets hurt would just go away I think I would be a great nurse! :) But she is wonderful and does her work well. I couldn't help but admire her and feel very happy to dole out the meds to everyone.



Is "Dole" a word?? Hmmmm...



Anyway, Wednesday was our "day off" so we first took a walk to a little water fall on the land of the mission and hiked our way around it. Through a mango orchard and into the bush, it was a beautiful and surreal walk through Africa. I saw a very vibrant green skinny snake bounce ahead of us and felt death approaching. I hate snakes! Once we got to the falls we were overwhelmed with the high pitched noise of the bugs around the water. I am not very excited about the massive number of bugs that inhabit Mozambique...its grossing me out! After the falls we went to the baby clinic and another health clinic and then to "art practice". I wasn't too thrilled with the teachers assignment for me so I escaped outside and worked on some tile pieces. Then we went to another village in the bush where Brooke had been asked to talk at the church. After she spoke the community said they wanted to hear whether my voice was high or low and asked me to speak to them. I continued on with her encouragement briefly and was happy that I was able to speak a bit to them.


Thursday we went out on Home Based Care again and then into town for a glorious lunch of pizza (which I haven't had a decent slice in over 4 months). We did a little shopping and then drove home in time for Brooke to attend yet another dance practice for the wedding. Friday was a great day in the bush, hiking up and down the hillsides of Mozambique which should more appropriately be called massive ant hills. We were treated to a snack of unripened litchi's and banana's...it was glorious. We ate lunch with the volunteers, beans and rice, and I enjoyed that thoroughly as well. Saturday was the wedding and a very busy day.

Anyone who prays for a dry wedding should re-consider...The wedding was pretty, and dry, but the reception was the highlight of the day. It poured! We all sat eating under a cloth tent and as it began to rain we were refreshed with the mist that made it's way through the cloth. But as the rain continued and the cloth became soaked the water came pouring in. My paper plate was now flattened to the table, my food a little more watery than when it came, I was completely soaked...we all were. And yet, we all just sat there smiling, still eating our food calmly. We put drank our Coke from glass bottles and let the rain hit our faces. It should have been a commercial. It was great!

Tony

Zimbabwe is actually quite surprising. The airport itself was luxury - clean, big...toilet paper! I walked up a marble staircase as I entered the airport. The place was empty except for our little plan that just arrived. On the flight I felt like I was in another world, vertigo perhaps? I felt weightless and dizzy.

This is a different place altogether; it's beautiful. The houses are big and beautiful as we drive out of Harare, but maybe that is to be expected of the capital city? It's sunday so I see lots of white robed people walking and groups of them sitting in the grass listening to the one who stands.

Lots of dark wood trees with vibrant green leaves, my favorite combination. Big rock structures randomly placed by God in the middle of fields and forest areas bring delight to my eyes. I love everything I see. The thatching of roofs in Africa must come from this place. Even the round mud huts here have glorious roofs!

Tony is a white Zimbabwean. He drives a flashy red sports car and smokes. My head presses against the roof of his car as he drives. His eyes are gorgeous blue and he speaks a big effeminately. He says that Zimbabwe is all about connections now. The political strife has caused the people to join together and rise in resilience.

Resilient...that is the word those on my flight used to describe themselves as we rode on the bus from the plane to the airport. Each of them carrying bags of flour, rice, and one lady with a cool box full of meat. They've decided to fight, to thrive regardless of their struggles, regardless of their leader. I admire them.

They have rock gardens here, filled with rock statues, beautiful, smooth figures protruding from rough stone roots. Shirtless men sit, sweating, forming, chiseling, polishing, creating. The richness and effort invigorates me.

Tony was mugged last night. He has a nice sized cut on his head and a bruised face. The guys punched him repeatedly until he went down and then took his cash.

Land of contrasts, Oh Africa, you contradict yourself. I see now that the dark wood bark is actually burnt wood bark. The tree survives with it's rich green, chooses to thrive.

a day in Malawi

A wagon rolls by, two cows yoked as a man whips them, spurring them to go faster. Pigs graze to my left, to my right a tree serving as a parking lot for bicycles enjoying it's shade. In front of me i see we are gathered under a shelter made with wooden poles and covered with grass straw. The leaders of the community are facing me, chiefs, coordinators.... They're here as a community to move forward, to make decisions together...as a family. Babies sucking at their mother's breast are uninterested, children look at me, the azungu, expectantly. Teens are here, young adults, parents, and gogo's. Women and children sitting in front in typical "L" shape, men in the back, to my surprise, sitting with their arms wrapped around their knees. The wind blows softly through the leaves of the talking trees. Behind me a child pumps water from the borehole for another child needing a drink.

Toothless

She climbed into the back of the bus, bench nearest the front seat.

"You can see how clean my feet are 'cause now I have soap"

She lifts up her foot, well worn flip flop in hand so as to clear the way for us to see as she sits, showing the proof of her words. She smiles a big toothless smile. They call her Fatty.

Malawi...Zimbabwe, and on to Mozambique

Malawi was amazing! IN the three weeks I was there I was able to grow a fast attachment to the country and people. It was really the last week that I was able to go into the communities and see things as they normally are and I loved it. Malawi has such a rich culture.

Every day this past week I went into the bush and took pictures of the communities. We drove through the dirt roads and then sat in the midst of blowing red dirt. My baths in the evening left an outstanding red ring on the tub and stained my white wash cloth pink from the layers of dirt being washed off. It was refreshing. Being dirty for a purpose is always great. Now Christine can you see the significance of my love of dirt as a child?! Dirt has just been a part of me, I am one with the earth :)

I was sad leaving Malawi but really believe that I will go back in January for a while. ON my journey to Mozambique a necessary pit stop in Zimbabwe was in order so here I sit in Harare, Zimbabwe, preparing to leave by car with a man named Tony for the boarder of Mozambique.

I am trying to visualize the faces of Karl and Ruth as they read this...a man named Tony???What did we tell her about this trip?! But rest assured, Tony is a friend of a friend of a friend. The life of adventure is the one for me, but I am missing Zambia and my friends there, looking forward to getting back with them.

Just a quick update, hope all is well! Love!

Greener

I was surrounded by many wise men and women these past two weeks as I have been in Malawi joining Word of Grace on a mission trip. I loved every single one of the members who came on the trip and was encouraged so much. God is good!

JR was funny with his new best friend Gary. They were the construction team and also the comedic relief for the mixture of many very serious conversations.

JR shared something with me that Gary told him that has stuck in my mind since.

"Most people think the grass is greener on the other side, but really, the grass is greener where you water it"

Simple right? But its big actually, especially for me. I have opperated out of fear for much of my life. I think I live against fear only to succumb to bigger fears. Let me see if I can explain this. I have always said that I wouldn't let fear hold me back from anything, but I am coming to see that it is also fear that keeps me moving. THis fear is one of becoming stagnant, of living a dull and lifeless existence in Arizona, of becoming like my father, my mother....the list goes on. So you may look at me and see a woman who is Courageous and who looks fear in the face as I move from country to country in Africa all by myself...but there is more to me than just these things. Motivation counts for a lot actually.

What does it mean to be content? Could I sit at the feet of Jesus and be? I move, I run, I escape. I stay for as long as it is safe to my heart, to stay protected, and I run when I fear things may become too...I don't know what...too normal maybe.

This may be a lifelong struggle for me, but my desire is to hear God's voice above the voices of fear in my head that rob me of peace and rest.

He wispers to me gently, Peace, Be Still...and in my doubt I struggle and debate to know if it was really Him to wispered these things to me...and I run, again.

I think I would like to start watering my grass where I am, to learn how to rest, to find my contentment in God, to find the value of my days when I look into the face of my Savior.

This is big for me, really big, and I hope that you would pray for me in this, it makes the difference between life and death for my future, living in freedom or fear.

Love to all and peace that passes all understanding.

P.S. MY parents are great, okay?! :)

Prayer of a child

"Dear God, I don't have the strength to walk alone, so please give me your strength and walk with me"

Moses, 7 years old, HIV positive, Malawi

Adventures on a Bus

I was warned about taking the bus, but as the typical Megan usual does, I went with my plans rather than warnings of others. You know, you hear different things all around, so who are you supposed to listen to?

I left Luanshya at 6am to be at the station leaving at 7:20am. I then traveled to Lusaka on bus, 4 hours and stopping only once for the toilet to find masses of women waiting in lines to get some relief. I avoided drinking water as I knew it would be trouble for me. The stench was overwhelming and the task difficult. Hold onto purse, lift trousers up from floor to avoid soakage, squat over disgusting toilet, hold nose from breathing in, then try to focus on what you are trying to do....it is exciting to say the least.

The man sitting next to me was a Christian and asked a lot of questions about God, why the middle east was at war, all sorts of things that I didn't have answers for. I am finding it a bit empowering to have my answer be "I don't know"...cause I don't, I don't' have the answers for everything. I mean, I know I look like a person who should, but surprisingly, I don't :)

I arrived in Lusaka at 11:45 and my next bus was to leave at Noon. There was a man there who had booked my ticket for me so I met up with him, paid him, and went to wait for my bus. Swarms of Caponias (vendors and sweet talkers) surrounded me asking to take my bags for only a mear K20,000 which is absolutely ridiculous. I enjoy being more of a local and understanding when someone is trying to rip me off. I fought with the guys and found a nice girl there who helped me with my bags. Finding a seat was a chore when the bus arrived. My only view was of a two seat bench, already taken by a mother with two small children offering me the other seat that my elbow might not even squeeze into. I felt like crying, getting that hot feeling in my eyes as I walked back to the front of the bus to tell my new friend that it was impossible. A man heard me and offered me a seat at the front that he had his bag in. It was a huge blessing!

The bus ended up leaving at 2pm, so much for rushing, and after 30 minutes was pulled over by the police. Threatened to make us turn back they had to pay off the police to let us continue. The issue was a big one. Our 60 passenger bus was filled to the top inside. There was no aisle in which to walk but only a jungle gym of sorts to crawl your way through. bags were everywhere and I was sure if there was an accident it would be almost impossible for us to get out of the bus.

I hoped to read or write during the ride but this was no luxury bus, it was a lucky to have a seat for the entire ride type of bus. During this 10 trek to the border we stopped once, yes, ONCE. The ladies all ran for the toilet and found a cement structure with a piece of wood in front of the door opening to squeeze through to get inside. Mosquitoes swarmed over the steamy troughs in the floor and women found any spot they could to relieve themselves. No privacy, not a time for modesty, just a time to get things done. It was disgusting and a bit embarrassing to have a crowded room full of half-clothed women. One of the women looked at me and said, "after your done just forget about this." somehow I think we expect because this is normal for most African toilets that they must be okay with it, but I don't think anyone could enjoy that...they endure it because that is the only option. I personally would rather go behind a bush.

Upon getting back into the bus I noticed a small roach on my seat, I brushed it off and became aware of a swarm of roaches crawling through the bench in front of me. Time to practice mind over matter I tried to block it out and be okay, heck, everyone else had to be so why not me! I couldn't get it out of my head though, stamping my feet randomly on the floor and batting at anything that brushed against me I was a paranoid girl for the rest of the journey.

I drifted off to sleep after the border and woke to find we were in Lilongwe. It looked to me like the streets of Guatemala so I liked it right away. I only made this quick observation and drifted back to sleep. My bed was to be my bus seat for the rest of the evening since I arrived around 2:30 in the morning. Most of the passengers did the same so we all slept in our seats parked at the bus station. One man was snoring loudly. I was woken around 4:30am to a bright light and music coming from the bus. Time to off-load so they could clean and prepare for the next trip. I sat shivering on the cement steps of the station with the other ladies. The only white girl around as usual. I was exhausted. I had no SIM card to phone in Malawi so I had to wait for the stores to open to tell my ride that I was there. Around 5:30 one of the ladies escorted me to the corner and pointed where I could get a SIM card. I trekked down the block, rolling my suitcase behind me, trying not to notice all the attention pointed towards me as I walked. I came to Malawi with 500 Malawian Kwacha. The SIM card was 400 Kwacha and the smalled amount of talk time available was 70 Kwacha. It was enough for me to send a text message so I did. with only 30 kwacha to my name I sat at the Gas station and hoped that my ride would be able to find me well.

When I was picked up I was told that I slept and walked through the most dangerous area in all of Lilongwe. Good times! :) Ignorance truly is bliss I must say. I felt like a hero, empowered by God's protection and blessings.

Arriving at the guesthouse after 24 hours of bus rides felt like stepping into paradise. My body was so exhausted, dirty, and hungry without a meal all day as well. I welcomed the early continental breakfast and then took a bath, the first luxury bath I've had in almost 8 months. I felt spoiled. It is truly amazing that hot water still comes from taps in parts of this world. I wish it came out of my taps at home! I soaked, my aim to rid my body of the deep dirt that covered my body. I scrubbed three months of Zambian dirt of my feet, and felt truly clean for the first time in a LONG time.

I am happy to be here, looking forward to seeing JR, Karl, Theresa, and being part of Malawi for some time.

I planned on taking another bus to Mozambique once I leave...I am re-thinking that idea :)

Does she DO anything out there???

"After every time of exaltation we are brought down with a sudden rush into things as they are where it is neither beautiful nor poetic nor thrilling"

I felt this quote fit perfectly for what I wanted to tell you all about today. I know that I don't write much about my "JOB" and that is probably because it isn't very interesting to me. The things of Africa that grow me and stretch me have nothing to do with my responsibilities here but rather my daily interactions with my spirit and self living in Africa, a place altogether different from what I have known. But I understand it is necessary to explain what I am doing during my time other than existing.

Currently my responsibilities are Administrative in nature. I am stuck in the office to be specific. The plans for me doing training have not come to fruition and I am training in a very different way. We were able to get an Internet connection for the office which is a huge and amazing thing for small town Roan. We may be the only Internet connection around the entire township. So I have taken on the task of teaching the staff at the office how to use a computer, how to access Internet, how to connect with their funders, and shortcuts for everything in between. It feels a bit elementary to me because I have been on the computer since grade 7, but here, adults have never even used a computer before. In the midst of my teachings I am also applying for funding for the projects. I have submitted three major funding proposals to a project in Canada called WOW to provide some of our community schools with uniforms for the kids, paper to write on and soap to use at home. Again, these things may sound very small to you, but here, the impact is major. These kids are mostly orphans, only having one outfit in their possession, and struggling to go to school using scrap paper we would just throw away. This is what they have to use. So these funds will empower the children to feel a bit more "normal" to get to change when they go home, to have a distinction between home and school, to have paper and pencils to write with, to have the opportunity to bathe with soap for a while. It is great. I've been able to go and see a couple of the community schools out in the Bush and it was so helpful for me to see the kids that will be benefiting from these funds and understand a bit more of the impact that will be made.

You know, I wanted to escape the office in America and I find myself in the office, even in Africa. It isn't always fun, and I don't always feel good when I go home. I often wonder what I am doing here, whether I should be ashamed of my days. But, I was reminded this morning in my devotions that we aren't always on the Mountain tops. Most of life takes place in the valley, regardless of where you live or what you are doing. It is life. Many times I wonder if the amazing things I hear about happening in Africa came from an agenda to make those things happen. To come for a short while I could come with an agenda and do something spectacular. But, I am staying, and seeing life continue as it did before the spectacular occured, and it is the valley. I don't know if this makes sense, but I hope that it does.

Bugs and Bats

The first rain brought with it a swarm of flies. It was the first plague I have ever experienced and I pray it will never happen again. I told God that if it was to continue that I wanted to go home...immediately. Fortunately the bugs were only staying for a day. But the next night something in my spirit wasn't allowing me to sleep, I'm still not sure what was going on but I woke to the sound of wings in the night. As I slowly became more conscious of my surroundings I realized something was flying in my room. I opened my eyes to see something gross and black crawling up my mosquito net toward my unfortunate hole at the top, aiming to do serious harm to me I was sure. I crouched as low as I could to my bed as I slowly pulled out the net from being tucked and crawled on the floor to the light switch. I switched on the light and this motion drove the creature to a maniac state where it began to swoop and sway around my room. It was a BAT...UGH...I screamed and crouched down on the floor to avoid the blood sucking power of this disgusting creature...I rescued my pillow, crawled out of the room locking the door. Then I slept on the couch. It was quite the adventure and very unsettling. I asked Joe the next day to survey my house and kill any swooping creatures that meant me harm. He went over with a big bamboo stick but the bat was no where to be found, thank goodness!

Growing Older

So, I passed up another year in my life...I am now a big 25 years old and feeling as though I might be growing younger. Oh, and when I say "passed up" that is actually not correct, because I am embracing each moment given to me. So, passed up really just means, I am passing up the number 24 for the new number 25. Now who thought I would be 25, single, and living in AFRICA??? Not me.

Can I say a humongous THANK YOU to everyone for the overflow of cards and gifts passed through my parents for my birthday?! I was overwhelmed with gratitude and unworthiness as I opened, one after another, encouraging cards, letters, and even gifts from people I have never met but now love more than I could ever understand. There is something irresistible about love unwarrented.

Having mom and dad here was good and bad. Good in that I was able to get all the loving I wanted. Bad in that I didn't know how to absorb it all. I broke actually with their arrival. To transition from self-reliance, to have the availability of two loving parents...I could function, I didn't know how to adjust. I struggled BIG TIME with having them here. My anxieties rose, my emotions from the past three months that never truly had an opportunity to just flow, they flowed like a mighty river. Daily I was a mess, a failure, a crazy woman. Thoughts of the future are too much for me right now. I have decided that I have to just settle the future in my mind and not address it again until it is my today.

I love my parents, and bawled like a baby when I said goodbye to them. We enjoyed each other more when we were away from Roan. There just isn't much in my small house and township to keep two restless adults busy with. They were challenged in ways I probably don't even know. They walked into something with only a daughter who doesn't much enjoy explaining everything to depend on. I am the type that likes to let people jump in...and I think I forced them to do the same. They took my moods graciously, still let me put my head on their shoulder while I was grouchy and touchy. They still loved me, still told me they were proud of me, even as I aired my failures freely through my sobs, they still held me, encouraged me, were proud of me. They think I am a success...I can't even understand.

It is good to be back in Roan. I struggled being away from my small town Africa. I have been seeing a lot of the learning that is unconsciously happening in me. I see Africa in a different way, the struggle in me continues. Wanting to be around equality, wanting to be free of poverty, free of the realities of their being an otherness in the world that I am responsible for. And yet when I have an opportunity, like going to the tourist trap livingstone, I can't ignore Africa still, I can't run away from knowing the reality of the lives of the people I am surrounded by. But much of africa is fake, you can go and come home bragging on being in Africa and understand maybe even less about Africa than when you came.

I am still processing a lot, but in my much older and wiser mind, I am sure I will figure it all out...right? :)

Love and Peace to you all, and again, another thank you for making my birthday a success, I felt loved.

Childlike Wonder

I was just standing in the doorway of our office looking out onto the African land before me, a breeze comes through the doorway and makes it the most enjoyable place to be when I'm at the project. A girl around 6 years old was walking home from school in her little uniform. I watched her as she walked confidently, all alone - the only human in the scene in front of me. She walked and then all of a sudden threw down the stick she was carrying, got down on her hands and knees in the grass and began crawling around looking at something that caught her attention. She got up almost as quickly as she knelt down and went on her way, walking backwards, then turning around and running with her arms spread like a bird. I watched her until I couldn't see her anymore and felt refreshed. Oh the wonder of a child!

Becoming African

I love the styles here in Africa and am confident I will be bringing them home with me. This picture is of myself and our project Director, Margaret.

Last night Naomi and I walked to section 9 to bring some material to a girl who is sewing me and African suit. It should be awesome! On our way home we bought some of the most delicious popcorn ever, you have to go to Section 9 to get it. Freshly popped so it is hot, with salt and that fabulous taste...we walked home in the dark. I love walking in Africa! Especially while eating popcorn :)

You can see now, but will you believe???

I have a picture of my new/old hair on my flickr account...enjoy! Isn't this what you've all been waiting for??? :)

Birthday

So today is our program coordinators birthday, so I baked her lemon bars in her honor...while they were in the oven I remembered she wouldn't be at work, but I brought them anyways. We sat down for lunch which consisted of my bars and two little buns. When we set the table I started singing, "happy birthday dear margaret, Happy birthday to you."

Annie told me I was a bad daughter since margaret wasn't here to enjoy her birthday lunch. Then we all sat down to eat :)

Rats

The Bemba's and the Chewa's here in Zambia used to be at war...now they are at peace. Or so everyone thinks. But I work with them, and I know better! Daily these two tribes taunt one another, the winning tribe, the Bemba's, forcing submission from the Chewa's. It is actually really funny to see.

We have rats in our building. The Eastern province tribes, like the Chewa's eat bush Rats, so we have been joking all day about catching the rats and feeding them to the Chewa's. It should be an interesting morning tomorrow as we will see the fruits of that labor! :) I just took a picture of our most recent kill. I am feeling a little sad actually. A mamma with three of her babies. Boo.... I guess I can't really love rats right? I will post pictures as soon as the cord my father sent arrives.

I was told today that ground mail can take up to 3 months. I may not be able to post pictures until I return back to America if that is true!

Anyway, having a fun day at the office today! We were able to get internet set up here in the office. Tomorrow I am giving internet lessons! :)

When you need a toilet, you just need one!

I am having a difficult time paying attention right now to what I am writing because I have to go to the bathroom REALLY bad...but I know that trying to find a decent toilet in town is almost impossible so I am going to suffer through this for another hour or so and try not to embarrass myself and my friends with me. It didn't help matters to read the email that Georgetta just sent about ladies toilets...I should write an African version of the same email! Think about finding only a toilet that is a hole in the ground with a broken door and many armed men around you who want to use the same toilet....no where to hang the purse, no toilet paper cause why would there be, and having to stand up just to make sure no one barges in on the awkward situation....then no running water, only hand sanitizer....I could go on about the experiences here but I probably shouldn't cause it is actually only making me notice more my need to find a toilet.

On Thursday night we had a grand adventure! We took the mini-bus into town and ordered some food at the only restaurant here in town, lucky for me it is Indian food and I love Indian food. We ordered take away and then did some emailing, but only half the time at the cafe did the email actually work. We went back to the restaurant after we were finished, about a half hour after they said the food would be ready only to find the owner very upset with us because he closed his store almost 45 minutes before we arrived. When we paid the total was K69,000. We gave him K80,000 and we waited for our change. He looked at us with intention as he counted our money back...well, he didn't count our money back, he kept saying K69,000 and, and...and holding onto our change as though he wasn't going to give it back, as though he was going to charge us extra for his time. It was strange, very bold on his part, but I suggested that we just give him the K10,000 that he was very hesitant to give back to us. So we left him with the tip and ran to the station to catch the last mini-bus that would take us to our home. We arrived home to find that the power was out as it usually is on Thursday nights. We lit a couple candles and placed them in the only candle holders I have...empty water bottles. We made a table out of the floor since I don't have a table in my house and we ate by candlelight in true Indian style on the floor. It was great, we joked around and enjoyed the most delicious food I have had in a VERY long time. Naomi and Joe came over and I shared my dish with them, tricking Joe into eating a very HOT bit of something that came with the food. It was a good time. a bit later Jacob and Annie came over as well so the 7 of us sat in my candle lit sitting room and talked. It felt wonderful, natural and it was a lot of fun. After our visitors left we stayed up late and played cards. It has been so good to have friends in the house and to have a touch of something a little normal. I keep reminding myself that these gifts are from my Father who loves me.

I made Banana bread last night but you could more correctly refer to it as a lump of charcoal! It is a process to figure out the stove that I am using...nothing has turned out so far. I tried to make another batch this morning after I made a silly move and woke up at 5am to put out the trash for the trash collector that I was told comes early in the morning. I couldn't go back to sleep so I made another loaf that turned out a bit better but the top is still burnt a little. The trash men didn't come until 10am...Africa does not know Early!

Friends are a good thing to have

Brooker and Paula are here and it is so good to have them! It is great to have someone to laugh with about jokes from South Africa! God is good to have blessed me with them!

Please pray that our time together would be sweet, that we would have fun, have time for some good and deeply needed talks, and that we would all be encouraged by one another.

Brooker made muffins today, that means I love her just a little bit more today than I did yesterday! :)

Ruthless Trust

I am learning (Ndesambilila) what this is, Trust....I am reading a book that I started over a year ago and then put down unfinished. You know how that goes, God begins something in you, you seek Him until you feel better and then drop the subject without finding healing or a true answer. We are so fickle with God, I wonder how He continues to love us through it all?! So this book, by my favorite author Brennan Manning...I am in pursuit of God, learning to trust His love for me. I really want it to soak in, to be real to me.

I started working this week... I went out on Home Based Care on Monday morning. The project here only goes out in the field twice a week and only for half days on those two days. It is a strange feeling because this is a small area and the people we are visiting are actually my neighbors. There is something comforting about going and helping people that are a bit distant from you. You can go home and convince yourself that it might have all been another world...but here, it is my backyard. I am a little ashamed to say it, but I need to be honest. It is more of a challenge to see your heart, your compassion, when you can't escape as most of us want to do, but we have to face the pain every day. What do I do? What can I give? I was challenged in a big way to evaluate my heart and commitment.

One of the women I actually met on the mini-bus last week. Valerie and Cath were talking to her son and as we got off the bus we saw him help this woman out as she was disabled and needed a wheelchair. I greeted her, Mulishani? and she asked me who I was and what I did. In meeting her I found that she was a client of ours. We went to visit her on Monday and I learned that she is quite the woman. She is actually prostituting herself out, even in her condition. She sells the medications that are given to her...and her children suffer the consequences, the stigma's. She is HIV + but won't admit it although it is written all over her scarred face. I wonder what brings people to this place? How can men knowingly sleep with her? Pay her to infect them with death? It just doesn't make sense!

There is a new dynamic at work here since the men and women are still married, still alive. I sat in a sitting room with a couple, both infected, only enough money for one of them to be on ARV's. I wondered how they decided the husband should be the one to be treated or if there was a conversation at all. She felt hopeless and we read scriptures. I tried to see her face, to see if it was an encouragement or a slap in the face. Where is God when someone is dying, where is God when you have missed out on the selection and the man who infected you is getting a chance at life? There is a need for something big, for the love of God to be so evident this woman can hold onto it for hope, for life. We all need something to live for!

I have one true bodyguard here in Zambia, her name is knowledge and she takes the form of a small black dog. She has fleas and ticks, but she loves me. She sits on my doorstep throughout most of the day and sleep there at night. When I go somewhere she comes along with. I go to the market, knowledge comes along. Sometimes I don't even realize she is there because she hides in the shadows of my feet. She is tricky. I don't even know who's dog she is truly, mine I guess. She came with me to work on Monday, she and two of Jacob and Annie's dogs. I'm not mean enough to convince them to go home when I say "Go". they just look at me with pleading eyes and when I sigh and go on, they come along. :) Another reason for the locals to laugh at the crazy white girl!

My parents are coming out here in less than a month and I can barely contain my excitement...I am ready to see them, to talk too much to them, to have them close to me.

Mazungu

I'm a white girl living in an African world! the children yell Mazungu, mazungu as I walk past in my Zambian attire...my skin keeps me from being anonymous in this small world I am now living in. Mazungu means white person...I try to see it as an endearing term rather than a racial comment. It isn't like calling me something horrible, just a term for my kind...the whiteys!

Today the water will be off for most of the day and tonight is the night for 2 hours of no electricity. I am learning the schedule now, but the water is a new difficulty. You don't realize how much water you use until you don't have any!

Valerie Long, a friend from the Gathering, is here visiting for a couple of days with her friend Cath from Kenya, it is good to see another familiar face. God has been blessing me with friends all around, never a lack actually and I am blessed to see his hand of protection over my heart and life. I am looking forward to hearing good stories of their travels by candlelight tonight!

Pray for my mind, my thinking...Ive been under attack, believing lies...this is my greatest struggle here, my thoughts. Pray specifically that I would be confident of my relationship with the Father, that I would have the wisdom to stop the lies from continuing by replacing them with truths from God's word. Thank you all who have been praying so faithfully!

To you ladies at church who love me more than I can know, I thank you so much for your prayers, for your encouragement. Thank you for ministering to my spirit, thank you for ministering to my mom in my absence. I know it blesses her heart to have you caring for me. You all hold such a dear place in my heart and I hope you know that I love you and am praying for you as well. You are treasures, and God is using you in amazing ways!

Love and Peace!

Zambia Mailing....

I have heard well-meant comments from several of my loved ones of intentions of sending me glorious packages but, I am beginning to doubt. I have been in Zambia for a month and a half now and alas, nothing has arrived...BUT, I was thinking that this may be due to a lack of recent addressing (i have posted it in the past but I will do so again) :)

There are three ways of reaching me:

Revival Mission Center
Megan Christopherson
P.O. Box 90198,
Luanshya, Zambia

Hands@Work in Africa
Megan Christopherson
P.O. Box 90122
Luanshya, Zambia

And then the fastest and most expensive way straight to my door using DHL:

Megan Christopherson
C/O Jacob Sichalwe
1104 Section 5
Roan Township, Luanshya, Zambia

I look forward to many letters and very large packages! :)

Im feeling better today, my headache is gone which is a huge blessing cause I thought my head would explode. Now I am resting, preparing for two sweet gals to join me next week.

I cleaned all day yesterday. We use brooms outside made of dried long grass. It was ridiculous and very dusty but my place is looking more presentable. I found out that the mango tree in my yard is the big mango type, Sweetness! I eat fresh Papaya every morning, Joe climbs the tree to get it for me. Africa is Amazing!

lONG Time...

I know, I know...it has been a while! I have been missing you too! All sorts of craziness has been going on to keep me away from the computer and away from town.

We just finished two weeks of Kids Camps at the farm for 60 kiddos who are orphaned and vulnerable. It was a stretching time as well as sweet. It was great to be with the UK team and have some normal English conversations on a daily basis, that was such a blessing...although the British still have something against Americans! Ive found that almost every one has a problem with Americans. I used to be the same...but now I am just tired of the generalizations and the overall high opinions of everyone else. I guess we are all entitled to our opinions, but am ready for people to stop picking on me because of where I come from!

I just discovered that two of the boys from the camp live on my "street" and I have a fun time this morning as I was going to the market for some fruit when one of the boys ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to another one of the boys houses. I am looking forward to having the opportunity to continue loving on them and looking out for them! The children here are so beautiful and wonderful, even when their lives are in shambles, they are strong. I am humbled daily when I hear more stories. These people are amazing and it would truly be easy to ignore their stories because they don't wave them as banners, they rise above and thrive.

Im sick again, don't know how I keep getting sick, maybe I just have never truly gotten better. I feel it a bit in my chest though which makes me a little nervous. Pray that I will have time to rest and heal now that all the craziness has subsided!

This week God has really shown me the Spiritual struggle that I am involved in. The enemy has been trying to keep me from acknowledging the love of God in my life and I have been left feeling vulnerable and fearful. I miss the encouragement of other people in my life, but last night as I was sick and tired and crying, Naomi came to my house and encouraged me. She reminded me that I need to encourage myself in the Lord, as David did...even when all seems wrong, to believe that God is love, that He is in control, and trust in His authority in my life. So...I have been struggling, but holding fast to my Abba Father, Tata, and staying in the word.

Update on Pictures - my computer cord is broken, which means I can't use my laptop. My laptop has the software on it to download my pics from my camera...so we are stuck right now. NO music, no time to write reports from home, and no pictures until I get a new cord. Sorry! I am suffering as well...i miss music!

Love you all!

Email Help

Anyone who is from Bethel who is still using their bethel account, how do I access mine now? Maybe the site is just down but the new exchange system won't accept my login and password and I don't know what to do...Apes? Bon? Could you find out what I need to do and post it to this blog? Thanks a HEAP!

Do you think I'm beautiful??

Africa has a different standard, and it is in my favor right now. I don't know how, but people think I am beautiful with this crazy head of hair I have...I might never understand it. My head itches so badly I am reminded of those horrible days as a child when I had lice. Yuck!

When I go to sleep I have to wrap my head with a scarf to keep the braids from tearing out of my scalp. Okay, I am exaggerating but it feels like that! It felts like there was wounds all over my head, and now those wounds are healing, and as they heal, they itch, HORRIBLY! By Friday, at the latest, I am taking these babies out...maybe by tomorrow. they tell me "you have to get used" Oh no, there will be no "getting used" this will not happen again!

This past weekend we had a Jubilee Conference with the church and I sang in the choir. I attracted much attention as the only white person within miles from the area on the first day. It was an interesting time. I learned some things, but was also challenged in some big ways. I don't feel comfortable with emotional churches, the screaming, the tongues, the laughter of the Lord. I don't understand these things and I can't see how a person can be fine and looking bored one moment and then the next be falling on the ground shaking. I don't like it, not one bit.

To be the only person in my group of relationships that believes in a different way is hard. I begin to doubt myself, wonder if I truly have been filled with the Holy Spirit since I don't speak in tongues or faint or do strange things. I wonder if I am missing something, maybe I have been wrong this whole time. And then the lingo that is used. Everything has the "Anointing" and we are praying "the blood of Jesus" over everything. I just hate this kind of talk. Yes, Jesus has given us all an anointing - and the blood of Jesus is what makes everything possible...but, I am just not impressed with something here. I'm sorry I am talking about this, maybe I need to keep it inside, but I really struggle with this, I don't get it.

I've decided to read through the book of Acts. The Holy Spirits power permeates through this book and I want to know about it, I want to find some confidence in what I believe in so i won't be swayed by other doctrines of belief. I hate being unsure of things, but what I hate most is being unsure of my relationship with the Lord. I have nothing when my confidence wavers in Him. Pray for me in this, it is real and it is important!

The speaker at the conference said we need to go deeper, we need to do the work of getting to the depths of God and His power. We can't be lazy about our relationship with him...I have taken this to heart and am searching for answers.

I'm moving into my house today! I am excited, but feeling a little lonely. A new house, another adjustment, many more things to learn, to buy, to clean. :) Does someone want to come over and help?

Love you!

Learning when to say NO

If you were to look at me right now, your eyes would still be searching for the Megan you know and I would hope that you love. The girl you would be glancing at has a pale face due to a few days of some major flu stuff going on in her system, but also due to bright red/brown hair...yes, you read that correctly.

Okay, so I am a little crazy and maybe just a little too easy going. So I told Annie that I wanted my hair braided...but in Zambia this means that I want extensions...which isn't true, at least not for me. Praxidence, a lovely girl who i have determined to be my friend took me to get my hair braided yesterday. After stopping by the shop called RUTH's we went to the market to check out extensions...I didn't really understand why we needed to look, but maybe for her? Nope...they were for me. First they pulled out BLACK extensions and I quickly declined, then came the black roots with bright purple and I hesitated for a very quick moment when I thought back to my younger days when I really wanted purple hair, and then I declined confidently...they tried to trick me with the third option with, again, black roots, but orange ends and I thought, hey, I love orange, and then stopped myself and shook my head, NO. Finally they pulled out a bunch of brown hair...yes, this was the last option and truly the only option as far as I'm concerned. Can you imagine me with black hair?!

I was already sick and feeling more nauseous as we walked back to RUTH's to get my hair done. I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours but had been losing plenty of fluids if that makes any sense...I sat to be braided and within half an hour my scalp was throbbing and my eyes began to grow dim. How do you explain "passing out" to someone who doesn't speak English? It isn't possible actually. The ladies all laughed at me and told me I was lazy and tired, but I knew the truth...I was freaked out, in pain, and incredibly dehydrated. I couldn't go on and I was a sight to see walking home with only the lower portion of my head braided with long red brown hair while the remaining blonde hair was pulled up on the top of my head in pig tails. Humiliation...that is the only word that really fits. I tied my bright green sweater around my head and avoided looking into anyone's eyes while I made the walk home...first stop - bathroom, second stop - bed, and that is where I stayed until almost 6pm when I taught the kiddos how to play UNO, ate some dinner and went to bed again. After another draining night, pun intended, I woke up early this morning determined to get this braiding over with and "embrace" my new look.

I will post pictures soon and you will be shocked and quite possibly appalled...but what's a girl to do but stand tall and say to heck with image! So, to heck with Image...I am still beautiful on the inside, right?

Pray for my health - I hate being sick like this, especially in someone else's home and without someone there to take care of me. I am trying to begin saying No to all the chaos around me and just relax while I can, give myself a rest as every day I am being challenged...it is okay if people look on and say I'm lazy...I guess...I need to be healthy in order to be effective right?!

The Rooster

Have I told you about my friend, the Rooster? She lives at Jacob and Annie’s with me. She is roosting…??? Uh, maybe that isn’t what it is called, but she is doing whatever it is called when she is laying eggs. So she lives in a plastic crate right now. She has a soft floor she sits on throughout the day and the children like using her temporary home for a stool when all the others are taken by us greedy adults. When the lights outside begin to go out she comes inside the kitchen to sleep. Her temporary home comes with her so she can keep comfortable on her soft floor. Every morning she does me the favor of reminding me that I am still alive as she wakes me at 5am singing her cock-a-doodle-doo song. She thinks it is beautiful and wants to sing us all lovely songs to help us remember that God’s mercies are new every morning. But oh how I wish she would wait until just a little later in the morning to sing her glory song! We are friends nevertheless and I think I will just be grateful that in the midst of my slumber I am able to be reminded of the breath that fills my lungs and the newness of another morning.

The only problem with saying that this kind Rooster is my friend is the reality that one day she may be my dinner…and that is disturbing to me! The foods I have been eating here, oh, you all would be surprised! I have been told I can be a Zambian now – this is because I can eat properly with Nshima with needing utensils. Basically, I am rocking the socks off of these Zambians who think I am just a clueless white girl. I refuse to be that girl, so I am taking chances and feeling free to get my hands dirty.

Today we picked up all sorts of rubbish around the farm and then carried it to “the pit” where all the other rubbish was thrown. Then…we burnt it! Just Laurie and myself – we were pyromaniacs and set the pit ablaze. It was glorious and very satisfying to know that we were able to do something that actually freaked us out at the beginning. You will all be happy to know that the fire stayed inside the pit and did not venture out into unwelcoming areas of the farm Hooray for we who are adventurous!

I joined the praise choir at the church and have been attempting to learn songs in Bemba. Who ever told me that English was the first language of Zambia and not to worry about a language barrier was just tricking me! I am struggling to wrap my tongue around the words here, they are long and hey, did you know that Zambians mix the R and L? I am reminded daily of my mother SoongHe who did the same. It has been a great thing actually to keep her in my heart. I smile when I think of her worshiping God. You know, at her funeral the pastor of her church reminded us of how she would stand as tall as her four foot something height would allow during worship with her hands raised up to the God that she loved and adored, singing passionately. I can hear her off-key singing, switching the l’s with r’s and vice-versa. I loved that woman so much, she was a mother to me for many years and I hold her memories dearly in my heart. We did an activity during our trainings called The Tree of My Life and we drew leaves on our trees, each symbolizing someone in our lives that made an impact. SoongHe was one of my many leaves. We were encouraged to think about whether or not we had a chance to tell that person how much they meant to our lives. I thought of how she was in the hospital and how they thought it best that I didn’t see her in the condition she was in. I hate that now. I wish I could have told her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her, how thankful I was for her love that began from the moment we met. She always called me her daughter, always stood up for me, always thought the best of me. I thank God for allowing me to have her in my life for the time I did! … Goodness, I’m getting emotional and that wasn’t my intention…this was meant to be funny and endearing, but, a tribute to a mother is okay I think…I thank God that He gives us people. Even when they are gone their memories still impact our lives, and I am grateful for the sweet reminders!

To all of you who have been in my life, I appreciate you and love you very much! No matter what has happened, good or bad, I still cherish the time we had together. I don’t think there has been even one person in my life that hasn’t taught me something, and that is something to be celebrated. So here’s to you!

Love

Embracing

I am learning....to embrace makes everything okay!

I am embracing my cold showers! To just get in and not even bother with warming water, its better that way! Then when you get out of the shower you feel warmer rather than colder, try it, you'll see! I am also learning to embrace the poor communication level I have. I can't speak English and expect to be understood so I will learn Bemba faster, that is better for me. Trusting God, yeah, I am embracing that too, slowing down - that is good as well. I will move into my home this week. They fixed the water lines today, we picked up the stove on Friday, the Fridge will come tomorrow, and then we will start moving in and I am SO EXCITED!!!

I did speak with my mother, for all of you who were worried, thanks for passing on the info that they were in Minnesota. Can you believe they left without even telling me? You know, I have realized that so many of you think that your lives aren't interesting to me so you don't tell me what is going on, but I want to know! I get bored of my drama and like to hear about the seeming sanity of the states, feel free to share!

I am eating some new and interesting things. You know I was a vegetarian for 6 years...and now I am shocked at what I am putting into my body. Last night I ate these little fishes that you eat all of them, bones and all, the night before that I had some sort of beef, and before that I tried fermented milk...yuck...try drinking a container of sour cream, that is what it tastes like! They want me to try the Mopani Worm...I think I will try almost anything once, so I wouldn't mind trying, we'll see if they break them out for me to try. They scared me when I first arrived by telling me they like to eat Chihuahua...oh gosh, I was about to go puke when then they told me that was the name of a vegetable dish they make with Pumpkin leaves...relief!

I am on my way to becoming a regular Zambian, they have approved me already since I eat with my hands and pass up the noodles to eat more Nshima...hey, I like new things...maybe not all of them, but I can do this. Don't expect failure from me, I'll let you down!

I'm trying to post some pictures, we'll see if it works. Ive been trying to email one email for the past hour and it still hasn't gone....

WHY

Could someone tell me why my mother or father hasn't emailed me recently? I am feeling lonesome for home!

Things are going well here, i am still fighting that lump in my throat, even now I am feeling it, but I just keep reminding myself, and God is reminding me too, to take things one day at a time.

It is the small things that are freaking me out. The cold showers, the lack of a home, eating too much Nshima I think I am gonna get fat, wishing I had toilet paper in abundance, wanting to have an apple whenever I want...WE TAKE TOO MUCH FOR GRANTED!!! Today when you turn your shower on, thank God! You have hot water, thank God! Oh man...I long for hot water I think I could cry. OH, and a washing machine. Hand washing everything is gonna be a challenge! Oh yeah, and electricity - lucky you who have it constantly without daily power cuts! And Internet access hourly, what is that? Cell phone calls to friends, a nice latte, a MIRROR...these are the things that I don't have.

Jacob and Annie, the couple I will be working with, they are lovely! They both have amazing hearts and are real people, I am blessed! God has been meeting my every need, truly. I will be moving into my home this weekend hopefully. Pray that this will go smoothly, I am still living out of a bag. Also pray that I wouldn't be so afraid. I feel God is asking too much of me at times and wonder if I am able. But, I am not able - He is...able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine.

I am still learning, a lot about myself, also about Africa. It isnt what you would think. Our perceptions are mostly wrong.

I joined the choir at Pastor Jacob's church! Trying to get involved and stay busy so I can feel at home as soon as possible.

Love and miss you all! Especially you mom and dad!

Legalism

I came from legalism, I am an expert at legalism, and to be honest, I still am a legalist from time to time. I find it deep down inside my heart, when I begin to fear or my insecurities begin to compare myself to another I find solace in legalism...it is the only way for me to find myself "better" than someone else.

I hate legalism, it kills the spirit and a bunch of other things like love and mercy and grace and peace and acceptance and forgiveness and....I could go on but I think you get the point. Zambia is a Christian country. This is not praise, for when I say "Christian" I mean "Christian". When did we begin to determine ourselves better than everyone else? Why are we so afraid of love and grace? Pharisees, isn't that what we are, when we call ourselves Christians and then all we do is judge. When the words that we say have no connection to the deeds that we do? I am embarrassed and I want to apologize for we "Christians" who condemn others who are different from ourselves. We "Christians" are wrong, we are hateful, we are fearful, and we have not loved in the way Jesus would love. We look nothing like the God we proclaim and we shadow His name with lies.

I just spent a day going over Abuse with a group of people here. They are lovely people and I in no way want to put them down, but what they represent, the vicious words that are said make me shake with anger and ache with pain. We have got it all wrong you know. To condemn someone suffering as though they brought it upon themselves. To tell girls that they are at fault for the abuse of mindless, uncontrolled men who are supposed victims to a woman's beauty or appeal. How is that? Tell me how that works!

We asked the men to stand today and give a reason for their responsibility in rape...I felt I had won a bit of a war, asked a few people to think outside of their holier than thou positions and speak truth, for once, get out of those "Christian" ideals and speak the TRUTH. I was exhausted at the effort.

I have to see that the hate I feel inside is my own, my hate of myself, not of another person...we as Christians, if we dare continue to call ourselves by that name need to consider what that truly means, and step out of fear and into love...

I'm learning a lot, being challenged daily, and having to learn to love, even on my side of things instead of judge those I disagree with. It's a constant journey!

Be Still and Know - I am God

Thank you all for your prayers, they are felt, deep down inside of me and I just need to say that I have been filled with so much peace these last two days. God is faithful! I feel like I am learning so much, being pulled, stretched, TORTURED...okay, not really...but wow, there is so much in life to learn, so much to trust God with, so many ways to be renewed in the presence of God. I have been blessed with a friend named Sipelile, she has been such a blessing to have around. Both of us are away from home and miss the familiar. I think we have been placed together to support one another, and we have been. So many things have changed in only a day that have been so encouraging!

I've decided a few things in the past day that I would like to share with you. I have decided to let go of the past. Yeah, that may sound small, but it isn't really. The past has held me back, kept me believing lies from all the way back in grade school that I still recited to myself every time I was weak. Well, no longer...I now realize how much I have been given, by the absence of it. And really it is just a physical absence, because all that I love it still well and alive in this world, and my Father in heaven has never left either. I am learning to accept a Father's love. Believing that this Father of mine is truly loving and faithful. When I can pull myself out of my mind for only a moment I see that all is well - and it is. It is well with my soul.

I had ice cream today - that will be a rare occasion for me. We have one shopping store called shoprite - it has old veggies and then rows of processed foods and gadgets. Take one sixth of FRY'S and that is the size of the store. I am thinking of starting my own veggie garden once I get to my house. We have been in Kabwe, Zambia, training a group from here and I will go back to The Farm on Friday night and hope to move into my home in Luanshya on Saturday. I think that will as well do much to help me settle. I am still living out of a suitcase - for the last two months or so, and don't like being like that - I want a home!

Thanks again for everything! I thank my God upon Every remembrance of you!

Okay...now I need some help!!!

I can't put a title on this...I don't know why. The computer is not allowing me to reply to any emails, not allowing me to put a title in on my post either. I am going through some culture shock in a big way and feel on the edge of tears most of my time. God has blessed me with a friend, short term - for the next two weeks and I am so happy that she is here. She is from Zimbabwe and 28...and very strong. I don't know how to say what I feel without letting you all down, and that is the last thing I want to do, but I am scared, and feel like I just want to come home. I know I wrote like this when I first got to South Africa and I am hoping that this feeling will pass as it did there, but I feel SO LONELY here. I wonder who those people are that say that they will just look to God for their comfort - did they have friends around? Were they in a familiar world? Because everything is unfamiliar here, and I have nothing to lean on except for my faith which seems to be wavering right now. I am under attack, feeling like Im not going to make it and finding it difficult to believe anything else right now. This morning I was fine, last night I was okay, but oh how I am struggling right now. I hate to write home and say these things...but I wonder if this is where I am supposed to be with my small amount of faith left. The lump in my throat makes it difficult to swallow and I truly feel that I - Lord help me! I know that God made the way for me to be here, I know that He opened all the doors and I thanked him for this. THis is what I've always wanted, to be traveling, not really to be alone doing it...Being the minority is overwhelming and I feel I am getting a good picture of what others coming to America experience. Completly OVERWHELMED...God tells me He is with me, and as I write, as I process, I begin to believe this again...My weaknesses taunt me regularly, my insecurities, my doubts. I wish I could quiet the voices in my head telling me that I won't make it, that I am unable of connecting, that I will feel like this until I go running home. But No, the voice of TRUTH tells me a diferent story, the voice of truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID. Please pray for me...I need your prayers more than ever right now. Pray that I will find peace, pray that this fear will be turned to Strength, pray that I can focus on others more than myself and my insecurities will not win. AND - email, call, please let me know that you are there and I am not alone! Funny how you don't know what you have until it is gone!

African Fire Drills

Are you wondering what an African Fire Drill is??? Well, it is like a Chinese Fire Drill, except you throw in a bathroom break by the side of the car before getting back in....

Craziness, pure craziness! I am in the middle of Africa with two crazy hippies who keep me guessing what I will find around the next turn. We got into the car at 4am so I wasn't really in full mind when we got started so by the first stop a couple of hours into the drive I was very surprised to see the two in front get out, circle around the vehicle...and I am turning to see what is going on, very quickly then turning my head away as I see them squat to do their thing and then get back in the car, switching drivers as they returned, saying nothing to me in the meantime. Little did I know that this was the only kind of bathroom break we were to be taking during our three day road trip into Zambia.

They spit their seeds into a rolled up window...I didn't comprehend until a while after...you know I've seen my father spit seeds while driving, but this is a different kind of spitting seeds, cause they actually don't roll the window down before they do it. I am still struggling to make sense of all I have seen and heard over these past few days! :)

On sunday we had a delightful morning service with the elephants who were less than 20ft away...they trample humans you know, and I wasn't in any zoo...but they were beautiful and let us look on. They really didn't have any choice as there was a small electric fence separating us and them, but it was delightful to see, babies and mammas...loved it.

Lots of monkeys too, Babboons actually running through the area after our visit to Victoria Falls. I did the unthinkable by changing in the middle of the parking lot...I had to...Sal was kind enough to hold a towel up and look the other way. Goodness the experiences over the past few days.

Im in Zambia now and half settled...haven't seen my home yet, but there is a bunch of Owls living above me who keep me company at night. Their noises sound like a big heavy breathing man outside my window but after I got over the initial scare all was fine.

Love you all...pray for me, BIG TIME!

Plans and Prayers

The plans for Zambia -
Leave Friday, the 29th, 4am...wait, what?? FOUR A.M.

Drive through Botswana. Yes, you are correct when you are thinking I said Zimbabwe before. that is because it WAS Zimbabwe before, but now it is Botswana...things are always changing.

Arrive in Livingston, Zambia to see Victoria Falls. Pray that we will be able to get Visa's for Zambia at the lodge we will be staying at or else...well, I don't know how we will get Visa's otherwise??

Drive up through Zambia and arrive in Luanshya, Zambia - my home for the next 6 - 8 months. I really don't know how long it will take to get there, maybe by the 4th of July.

Pray for the trip. That we will all get along and enjoy the time we have away from things on the road. Pray that the car perform. Pray for safety in driving. Pray for favor at the borders as well as any stops by police on the way.

Pray that I will be bold once I get to Zambia and not hold back in developing relationships...I will need at least ONE friend, if not more...pray that God will bring this person.

Pray that God's peace will fill my heart, my life, and His joy will fill my mouth.

I feel like I am leaving my comfort zone again. And actually, I am, except for now I am truly going into Africa, and I will be more "alone" than I have been since I started.

I am excited but also, I'm a little scared....

Experience

You know...I've had some experiences in this life of mine. Some good, others bad, but I have a history and a place from which I've come. I think we forget this sometimes. We begin to believe that if God has changed us, or if we are supposed to forgive, well then we can't think about what came before the forgiveness, before the changes. I think we all might fall back into our past if we choose to forget. God does things in us for us to remember Him, to look back and see where we were, the pain we experienced. These memories guide us today in choices, what hurts, what heals. We know these things from our past and yet we somehow believe that we aren't supposed to remember. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, maybe you feel that you can remember those days you lived in complete denial of what God did in your life, you remember how you felt and the desperation inside of you and you are able to thank God for what He has done. But myself, I feel that I need to forget those days, forget that pain...it isn't really acceptable to others anyways. Many people say after hearing me share a piece of my heart, "well, I am assuming that was before you became a Christian" as though once that moment happens life somehow become easy and painless...we make all the right decisions and become something other than Human. No, sadly, I was still human after God interrupted my life and handed me something called Hope. Even with hope, even with mercy, even with grace...I still made bad decisions and lived as though God hadn't changed me...and now I bear the scars, deal with the consequences, and so I am ashamed of my past instead of looking at it and thanking God for still loving me, still being faithful, still having that enduring love that he promises. Why can't we remember the past in order to see God in it, because He was there for sure.

we had a ladies retreat last weekend that got me thinking. we focused only for a few minutes about our past experiences and how they've shaped us and it was so refreshing to be able to remember and honestly look at the past but see how God has done great work in transforming my life. God asks us to forgive, but not to forget. If we try to forget we won't be willing to accept someone else who is in the place we used to be, it won't be acceptable to us and we will judge them due to our unhealed scars and shame. No, we must remember! And it is okay if we still hurt...God came to comfort those who are broken, so it has to be okay to fall into that category!

We only had about 30 minutes to actually have a "workshop" cause all of us ladies were having fun and didn't' want to sit and listen to a lecture, but this brief time still accomplished what was needed in our lives. During the other 24 hours we were there we had some other experiences. Our birthday girl was personally kicked by the pet giraffe they have at the lodge. His name is Stripes...and he was behaving very badly! And me...my experience...well, there was this cute little baboon that they had adopted. He was only 2 months old and seriously the cutest thing ever. I bent down to pet him, named Bozo, and he began to climb up my arm so I thought I would just help him out a little bit and when I touched him he went NUTS! He bit me at least two times that left a mark of these little baboon teeth in my skin. He didn't break the skin but I sure was surprised! Naughty little monkey! But hey, who can say they've been attacked by a baby baboon??? ME!!! Jealous???

Zambia Address

So you can send me packages...I've heard putting Jesus stickers on the outside wards off evil-doers who want to steal nice things that come in brown packages...

Okay, so when I say "Jesus stickers" I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean spiritually aimed stickers...makes people feel nervous to disrupt the contents...am I just making a bigger deal out of nothing? What I was trying to say was...haha...I know I know, you get it...

SO here's my new address:

Hands at Work Zambia
Megan Christopherson
Box 90122
Fisenge
Luanshya
Zambia (yeah, I forgot this part...shouldn't the post just KNOW that I am in Zambia???)
Africa

Feel free to start sending now if you feel that it is necessary...I assure you it is most acceptable!

Flexible

Warning to all those Africa bound. Did you check mark ‘yes’ on a questionnaire that asked if you were flexible? If so you may be in for a shocker, maybe there has been some sort of miscommunication, so let me clear things up for you a bit. When they ask the question “Are you flexible?” they mean something very different from what you might expect. They don’t mean the kind of flexible that allows you to touch your finger tips to your toes, No, not even the kind of flexible that allows you to adjust your meeting schedule from 5pm to 6pm. There is a different kind of flexible that they talk about when you’re in Africa…the kind of flexible that says two to six complete strangers can move into my home for an indefinite period of time because they need a place to stay. The kind of flexible that says, that meeting that we had scheduled today is okay to postpone until the morning I have present on the results. Yes, this is what African flexibility really is. Now, you might think that sounds difficult, but there are perks to this new found flexibility. I am currently learning a new aspect of flexibility, the kind that says, hey, this report doesn’t have to be perfect; I don’t have to know it all. Wonderful huh? Accept for the sad reality that my Corporate American mind is struggling to allow me to accept this new flexibility. I am learning to be okay with knowing what I know, and not stressing about the other stuff. There is a guy working on all of our I.T. right now and it is a mess. I asked him this morning if he was daily experiencing stress and he responded, “no, not really. I just do what I know how to do and decide not to worry about the rest.” I couldn’t really understand. I just sat there looking at him as though he had just said something strangely offensive and strangely wonderful as well. His reasoning was so simple it must have been wrong…or was it? I am working on American time here and everyone around me is telling me to chill out. I am experiencing so much overwhelming stress over these dang grant proposals…combine that with computers being shared by at least two to three different people, unpredictable Internet access, and viruses and I am just a mess. But you know what? It doesn’t matter! I can only do as much as I can do, and that is the truth. I just need to be flexible with life. It’s a crazy fun adventure and if I keep telling myself this over and over…haha…just kidding!

New news about Zambia. I will be living in Luanshya, Zambia, in the Copperbelt Region. It is okay if you don’t know what that means, I don’t either! ;) I will be staying in a house next door to Pastor Jacob, his wife Annie and their little girls. Pastor Jacob is one of the main leaders of most of the Zambia projects and an amazing man. I am really excited to get there and get to know them better! I have also heard that close to Christmas some of the people I have grown to know and love here will be making their way to Zambia for a vacation. I was nervous about the holidays but I think they are going to be amazing and am very thankful for that! God just keeps taking care of me and I feel blessed when I recognize all He is doing!

Another friend left me today. Ginna - love forever!! But I found myself having a pity party and failing to recognize all those around me who are friends as well. Yeah, it takes work, but that shouldn't minimize the relationships God has put into my life. pray that my attitude would change, that my heart would grow out of myself and into someone else!

10 days to departure for Zimbabwe...I can't wait! (no, i'm not changing my plans for Zimbabwe, that is just the first stop :)