Up and then down

So much has happened since I arrived back home in Roan. I can't begin to explain the range of emotions flowing through me, fear, insecurity, sadness, and a bit of defeat...please pray for me that I would have an open heart for all that lies ahead of me. A forgiving heart for all that lies behind, and a hopeful heart to see God is in control from the beginning to the end.

A new girl from Footprints has joined me in my house today, her name is Natalie. She is young and fun and I truly pray that we will have a great time together during the month and a bit we are together before I make my journey homeward. It feels as though things are ending quickly and I don't like it. I have been alone here in Roan for so long and now there is someone new, and I feel as though my time here is coming to conclusion. I know everyone back home is eager to have me home but I feel a heaviness in my heart. I don't want it to feel good to go home, but I almost feel pushed out, you know, like when a younger person comes in to head the company you have been working for for a million years, like where is my place? I feel things too deeply, make them bigger than needed at times, just bear with me. But, there are things flowing through me that have brought me to a bad place. The enemy only desires to kill and destroy, and I can see how he desires to stain the end of my time here in Zambia and I am in a war to fight the lies, the feelings, and hold on to the Truth of God and be real. There is a wound inside of me, a deep one, and from time to time I see clearly as though I am looking at it in the mirror, and I am surprised that I am still protesting, that it hasn't been healed yet. I wanted God to change me, to rid me of all the ugliness in me. I hoped I would be perfected while here in Zambia :) silly maybe, but I had a hope that it would happen. Sadly, I am still a flawed human being, needing to reach out to her Savior for a refuge. Just pray for me, that I would be filled with Love and not anger or fear.

News:
I have had one serious proposal since I have been back in Roan, marriage was due to occur next July, all without my acceptance or belief that it was in earnest. We have settled on just being friends :) Funny adventures.

Mom said you wanted to know what I did for Thanksgiving...it was a funny day actually. I forget about the American holiday's until mom reminds me that this is Christmas time or something like that. It is hot here, no decorations, no one to remind me that a day is approaching that has significance somewhere...I am disconnected to these days here in Africa. But, I wanted to do something, so I decided to make Pumpkin pie from scratch. Mom sent alone a recipe with JR but when I was at the grocery store I forgot what a pumpkin looked like, so I bought a oval green one. I realized my mistake once returning home but heard from a friend that Butternut squash works well, so I used that instead. About 30 minutes into my baking the electricity went out in the house so I decided to keep the pie in the oven and let it go until the electricity came back. I was happy and relieved to find the pie was fully cooked and delicious in the end.

The day after thanksgiving my friends in Masaiti, a neighboring area, invited me over for real thanksgiving dinner, but when we arrived at their place we found their electricity had been out for over half the day. We waited to see if it would come back and then by 7pm decided that we would exchange our roasted chicken for a nice Indian dinner at our one and only restaurant in town. It was fun, spicy, and typical for Africa. We did get together again on Sunday and had our roasted chicken, green bean casserole made with only real onions, not those canned ones, and mashed potatoes made with soured milk, a result of the lost electricity. Nothing was wasted, all was delicious and appreciated, especially the pumpkin pie for dessert. :)