More on the Daesy

Some of you may not know that I have started a new blog since I've been home. If you click on my profile you can check it out under With Her Own Wings.

I go to Italy soon...one week to be exact, and I am very excited! :) Make sure to keep in touch!

Today

Today my mother said she was "getting into a swoop", but she meant to say she was "getting into a slump" I laughed

My mother also looked at me while we were having one of our frequent and funny arguements, she put her hands together and formed them into that typical W-shape meaning "whatever" and placed them on her forehead. "Ummm, Mom, that is what you do for the L-shape, not the W-shape...."

Today I also brought an old guitar into a music shop to get it re-strung and tuned cause I am going to learn how to play and probably become famous...

And, today I am hoping that someone calls me to give me a job, or at least an interview, so phone, go ahead and ring!

Passion

Passion is a word that I love to be associated with. I think I've always wanted to live a life of passion and when asked I would never stray from that desire, but right now I'm feel a little less than passionate. Today my pastor spoke about Passion, about living big, and I loved it.

Life is meant to be lived you know?! And because right now everything is up in the air I have found myself feeling much more comfortable hiding away under the covers, it's safe there, miserable, but safe.

I've been struggling, feeling a bit depressed, afraid, unavailable, and chaotic in the doldrums of my life, the thoughts in my head.

The message was about David from the Bible. I like hearing about David because I relate to him. He lived his life with passion, he was emotional, he loved, hated, experienced joy unthinkable, sorrow unknown, and yet, he was a man after God's own heart. The last part of this is music to my ears because I think God enjoyed his passion. I'd like to believe that God enjoys mine as well.

Today I am making that choice again, and may have to make it tomorrow and the next day as well to pick myself up, face the world, and not let the chaos and unknown paralyze me. It may not look like I think it should, but this is life, another day of the adventure, and it hit me today that this may actually be a bigger challenge than Zambia. This may be the place now where Faith and Trust are necessary to face the day and believe that God is still good, he is still present, and He has a plan for all of this.

Strange how everything flips around when we aren't watching. and now I am in an old and unfamiliar land that I have never been before, and God is asking me to trust him....

News Flash

I and my mother just wanted you all to know that my mother is aging very quickly...at an abnormally fast rate

Please be alarmed

She is looking so old that she may say she has serious memory loss
She is looking so old that many still ask if she is my sister
She is looking so old that men will turn their heads to stare as she walks by
She is looking so old that in Zambia they called me FAT in comparison to her and shook their heads at me

There are many other reasons why she is aging very quickly: she always tells people she IS the age she will turn the next year, there is also this thing where she doesn't look like she is 25 which means she is REALLY old...

So please, anyone who knows my mother, please have compassion on her in her old and frail age and do your best to just support and encourage her. Actually, maybe I am the one who needs the support...yeah, I think that might be the best in this current situation we are in. Support me, okay? Because I am having to take care of her in her senility, and it's getting pretty rough...

Listening

Maybe it's time for me to write a blog entry?

Talking I think is overrated....I've been doing a lot of talking lately, lots of people want to listen to stories and wisdom I've gained and as I talk, hoping that my words will somehow hold a weight beyond myself, I realize exactly that...it is beyond myself, and I would rather just be listening.

I think part of it is an insecurity on my part. I would rather listen to you than have to speak and hope I sound interesting or believe you actually want to hear what I am trying to say. But another new part of it all is the realization that I have really nothing to say that sounds any good to me any more. I am tired of hearing myself try to explain how to effectively meet the needs of my friends in Africa. How do I know? I love Africa, I love my friends and family there....I can tell you about that, I can tell you about my experience and what I saw, but I haven't even begun to process through everything. The realities, the consequences, the solutions...I'm not there yet, and somehow I feel like I am trying to be smarter than I am when I try to answer questions like these.

Am I being lazy? Maybe this is avoidance? I'm just not sure yet. But what I do know is that listening is a pretty good idea. Listening points towards learning, and then maybe something could change or an impact could be made...but really, just listening is good, all on it's own.



I'll be working on Haiku's....this is my first one since i finally looked up the definition of syllables:

weight is too heavy
seemingly words are too light
Echoing canyon

Hours

I went to bed exhausted around 11:30pm after meeting up with my closest friends last night, I had to party like a young person you know? (imagine me sitting with my elbows on the coffee table, chin resting on my palms to keep my head up, eyes half closed, yawning every 5 minutes or so...that's the kind of party I'm doing these days)

I thought I wouldn't be effected by Jet Lag, but here I am, only 3 hours of sleep and I am wide awake at 3am wondering when everyone else will get up so I can make more noise or have some company...might have to wait a couple more hours for that wish to come true.

I feel like i need to apologize, I have a bad attitude. I've been feeling resistant to coming home, negative about the States. I feel like it is easier for me to say something critical rather than just enjoying my time here, and I'm sorry. I keep thinking of how God wants obedience from us, from me, and I wonder if it is still considered obedience if you complain the whole way?

I'm reading a book called The Lineage of Grace, by Francine Rivers. The book covers the stories of 5 women in the bible and expands on them, it's fiction and pretty light reading, I wanted something light, but I've been feeling convicted while reading the story of Rahab. The Israelites did what they were told for the most part but they complained all the way through the wilderness, even as God continued to meet their every need, they complained. And isn't that why they never got to see the promised land? Complaining is my pride and my lack of faith combined I think. Somehow I think I have a better plan, that God must not know what he's doing, and somehow I've got things a little more figured out...and i know it's wrong, I'm wrong.

My desire is to trust with a faith that is strong and knows whom it has believed, and is convinced that He is able to keep that which I've committed to Him until that day. But I'm finding it difficult to release my plans and desires and just trust...Why is it difficult to believe that as God is love, He won't do anything to harm me but that He has plans to bring hope and a future? He's only been faithful and true so far....I have no reason to believe He would change now

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Noticing

Im home...in good ole Arizona....its strange to be home but still feel a bit like you're not home really. I mean, this will always be home, my house, my family...but not where I unpack and just relax...not yet at least.

Shorts and t-shirts in the winter, one of the things I noticed when we arrived at the airport, I also was amazed at the width of our street as we were driving to our house, it's massive! Another interesting thing, the toilet bowls here have a LOT of water in them!!! I thought it was overflowing but it wasn't, just "normal". I love how everything smells good at my mom's house, like candles have been burning all the time or something. The house is like a palace to me, not because of it's size, but the shiny tiles, clean walls and high fluffy beds...I'm a princess right now.

Im smelling everything and it all smells so nice! I went to Fry's to get some coffee today, holy choices!!! Do you know how many kinds of Chai Tea there are?????

Remembering

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Ginny Owen

Pictures

Lana and I in Venice, my Valentine. Having a typical Italian breakfast, coffee and Pastry...

See all the Gondola's behind me? I was too cheap to ride one, so I thought a picture would do!

a bird is on my head...but it's Italy, so it's okay...

Africans...in Italy

Italy was not just a random idea, not just a holiday, but an area of opportunity...for lots of things

I've been talking today to the family I am staying with, the Krause's, many of you may know them. They are missionaries out here as well as a couple I used to look up to as a child. It's funny to trade stories together, theirs coming from teenage/adult perspectives and mine coming from the mere 9 year old I was when my father was their teacher. Funny!

They work with many West Africans and are hoping to develop more of a outreach for them here, and that is why I am here (well, and for good gelato and pizza). I've heard a lot, much more to hear and see but I am excited about what they are doing.

I feel like the world is opening up and, although exciting it is a bit daunting. I love the cultures, the languages, the atmospheres. Adventure knocks, has been knocking, and I hope continues to knock at my door, reminding me of the big smallness of this place called earth. I think there is a lot to be prayed about, direction to be received, and faith to be placed in and before God. Continue to pray for my future, for the decisions and my ability to hear God through the excitement of it all.

Rob and Sandy are great and it has been fun to have someone to trade sarcasm with that actually get's it.

Italiano

Italy is a breath of fresh air. The atmosphere is cool and the wind cuts through my clothes and onto my skin where it leaves a mark with goose bumps, instant energy

We took a late night walk = after 7pm for me (call me grandma from now on)
I was cold
We ate Gelato

(this time that had to be a haiku right?!)

God is basically amazing to have created so much to wonder and marvel at, the world is beautiful!

In Transit

Here I sit in Dubai...on my way to Italy for a week or so...

I had a great time with the Zak's and found myself amazed at the blessings of God.

On sunday we went to pick up a few people living on the streets, we were going to take them to church so I went with Kevin (the dad) and headed into downtown Pretoria. I was shocked when we arrived at our destination. A full sized matress on the sidewalk surrounded by a short wall created by cardboard boxes made up the house for two small boys running around the cement chasing loose papers and kicking a plastic bottle. They were 5 and 3, mom had left them alone there while she went with her 1 1/2 year old little girl and 2 month old little boy to wash up for the day. I played with the boys while we waited for the mother to return. We were picking up some men as well, two from Kenya, fled the country due to the most recent political strife, one man from Somalia, and another from Ethiopia. They live in the same place and have created their own make-shift family with these children and mother of the four.

I struggled with what my responsibility was as I sat in front of church holding the sleeping little girl in my arms and watching her brothers run in the grass. The smell of her warm hair made me want to snuggle her in my arms forever. They need to be protected.

In church I watched as each of the adults we brought fell asleep and I wanted to cry, not because they were missing a wonderful message, no. I wanted to cry because I felt the exhaustion seeping out of them. I wondered what kind of sleep they got on the streets with four small children. I wondered how often they were able to sit on a cushioned seat in an air-conditioned room and be allowed to stay for a while. I was glad they had the chance to rest even if that was all they received from the service, it might have been just what they needed.

In the evening I went to the church that the Zak's have started in one of the surrounding villages. It was my last night in Africa and a perfect one. The car broke down so we walked the 2.5km to the church. I sang my favorite South African song in the church and felt very at home to be surrounded by local praise music and foreign languages all around me. I appreciate the true african culture and songs and I was missing the African feel to things being surrounded by so many white people...I know whites are part of Africa too, but please understand what I am trying to say. I loved it,the service, the long testimonies, the random singing for the Lord.

We walked home in the dark and I was hand in hand with Gift, a little boy who just had his 6th birthday. It was a sweet time as we walked. He asked his mother questions in Swana. he wanted to know all about the moon, was there only one or a lot of them. Why is it following us? Why is it running away from us? I wanted to hold onto the sweetness in his voice, his small swana speaking... It was a perfect night, don't know if I can really make sense of it as I write.

Lots of thoughts and memories swirling through my head...

Blessings upon blessings

I am having a great time with the Zak's here in Pretoria. It has been such a great time to de-stress and have some time with God. Even with the 7 children that are at the house it's quiet and I've been able to think.

I have been thinking a lot of the great blessings God has given me, this whole past year - I will cherish it forever...

Breathing

Its good to get a chance to just relax...I am taking that time now. It's exciting to look toward the future and know that something new is about to come my way. Every stop I have made since leaving Zambia has sparked something inside of me, opportunity.

I went to a true South Africa restaurant yesterday and ate Crocodile and Ostrich along with all sorts of other exotic animals. I tried to just block out their names and try a bit of everything. Funny to think how I didn't touch meat three years ago and now I am back to being Carnivoricious. I'm sorry Sheena if you are reading this...you'd do it too if you were here! :)

I will leave South Africa next Monday I believe, still need to buy a ticket and that is why I don't sound sure of my departure date. I will keep you updated...

I am learning how to see myself beyond other people's views or expectations of me. I am learning how to be comfortable in obscurity and anonymity. I had some difficult meetings this last week, I had to say some difficult things and had to hear some as well. I stretched beyond the immediate. I am trying to remember that life isn't just what is before me...truth isn't either. I am learning to take what I hear with a grain or two of salt and keep on breathing...

South

There are days when you feel you may not survive if you had to leave the people you were with, and then you do....

Coming back is difficult, strange, un-familiar. Maybe it is just me, maybe I don't want to act, maybe I am out of my comfort zone right now. I really don't like the fact that my year has flown by. I mean, it hasn't flown all the time. There were times when time was just dragging, when I thought the next week, the next day would NEVER come. But, it always did, and its a shame it came so quickly because I would like to have just a bit more of those dragging days.

My mind is full of experiences, fears for the future and trying to process them is a job in itself. I've left my family in Zambia, my friends in Malawi, and now I am back in South and trying to figure out how I fit into this new, yet old, equation.

I couldn't sleep last night, too much swirling through my mind. Will you all promise to be my friends when I get back home? :) I need some good friends, I need some de-compressing time, I need...a massage.

God doesn't change does He? That is a question and a statement depending on how it is read.

I was given the same passage today that I was given the first week I arrived in Africa - Proverbs 3:5&6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto you own understanding, In all your ways, acknowledge him and He will direct your paths... it isn't a mistake, it is still needed today maybe more than ever - walking into the unknown known. It is a strange thing!

weeks

time flies when you're having fun!  

I went to a baby clinic today and fed some of the babies...I kept reminding myself of my father's words, "don't come home with a baby"  If I had been working there this whole time I guarantee I would have broken that promise!  

I was thinking of how much has changed, how my scenery here is very different.  A month ago I was television-less, CD-player-less, computer-less, roommate-less, car-less...my life existed within a square mile radius.  Funny how Lilongwe feels like the big city to me...

Last week the water ran out here and Jessie told me there was only enough to wash my face and brush my teeth.  I went into the bathroom, filled the trash bucket with water and took a full bath, even washed my hair, and felt like a true African woman!  :)  I could handle it more than a local from Lilongwe....yeah for small township Zambia!  :)  

Anyway, just wanted to give a little update.  Only two days left in Malawi and I'm again trying to figure out how I can be back within the next two months.  we'll see!  

Resistance

I can feel myself fighting the idea of going home
could I somehow make a way to stay here forever?
I like change, but only when I have a bit of an idea of how that change will impact my life
I have no idea what will happen when I get to the States...

I have been working on editing and writing, odd jobs for the project in Malawi and keeping busy with friends, games, dancing, laughing, meeting new people, thinking and wondering about tomorrow

I will de-brief with the project in South Africa in two weeks and I am nervous, strange how things change over the course of time, one would never expect how things will actually turn out.

I could use your prayers right now, I don't want to be running away from things

Faithful

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

Brooke Fraser

~This has been my theme song for Africa~

Sorry Sorry for Everything

I MISS ZAMBIA!!!! Matthew, Joe, Naomi, Ba-Paul....sorry, sorry for everything.... :)


African countries can be worlds apart, vastly different from one another. I am in a world that disappoints me. Maybe I have glorified Zambia, the people, my friends, but I am in a place right now that speaks too strongly of America, living a life a little less than meaningful, wasting time, gifts, people and I wonder if it is preparation for going home?

The city can be a land of opportunities, it can also be a land where potential goes to waste. People forget to use their imaginations and discover something else than what is offered so freely. Drinking, smoking, television...my mind seems to be shriveling when it cries to be thriving.

When do we decide to live our lives for others? I don't mean to serve others in a glorious way, but living our lives to please others, a life without intention or conviction, a life of desperation. Everything within me is fighting against this idea that my worth is dependant on another person. Why are we so afraid of being alone that we settle for being alone in the midst of people we try to please while our spirits are crushed, crying out for love and acceptance?

This really has nothing to do with Malawi and everything to do with the nature of being human. We need a Savior, someone to tell us that life has a purpose outside of ourselves, outside of everyone around us, and inside the one who is our creator and in that place we will find streams of living water to quench all that is dry and longing in us to find fulfillment.

I want something more from life than this. We are all vulnerable people and we are destroying each other. I think of that quote from a film on HIV/AIDS I watched at WOG before I came out here, the man said, "We have lost our respect for human kind." It was actually something a little longer and maybe more profound than that but when is the hurting going to stop and healing going to begin?

Just like in the states, we use other people, like paper, like something that can be thrown away when we are done. We sleep around, do reckless things without a thought for tomorrow, and luckily our consequences aren't as bad as they could be. But, I've been told that over 80% of American's have an STD. I think then of Africa, the same happens here you know. Kids are still being reckless, drinking and sleeping around, waiting to be convinced that this life has more to offer, but instead of Herpes they exchange HIV. We are all the same, but some have better chances than others.

Right now I am just disappointed. We know that consequences are real, but why doesn't that knowledge change our actions? Knowledge is only power when we use it, otherwise it is just a waste of space.

Limbo

I am sitting here in Lusaka now, waiting for my flight to Lilongwe, Malawi. I've said goodbye to my family, but only with my mouth, not with my heart. I'm not really sure if I am ready for that right now.

The rains are heavy and ridiculous so I think my flight will be late. We will see how it all goes.

I feel sad, but numb...I cried when little Emmy cried this morning, I didn't know she would be so sad. I felt like I was abandoning her.

Now I must look forward, everything is new, unknown, another adventure awaits around the airplane.

Ten months...it's enough to get your heart hurt, but it isn't enough for much else...time is precious