Hours

I went to bed exhausted around 11:30pm after meeting up with my closest friends last night, I had to party like a young person you know? (imagine me sitting with my elbows on the coffee table, chin resting on my palms to keep my head up, eyes half closed, yawning every 5 minutes or so...that's the kind of party I'm doing these days)

I thought I wouldn't be effected by Jet Lag, but here I am, only 3 hours of sleep and I am wide awake at 3am wondering when everyone else will get up so I can make more noise or have some company...might have to wait a couple more hours for that wish to come true.

I feel like i need to apologize, I have a bad attitude. I've been feeling resistant to coming home, negative about the States. I feel like it is easier for me to say something critical rather than just enjoying my time here, and I'm sorry. I keep thinking of how God wants obedience from us, from me, and I wonder if it is still considered obedience if you complain the whole way?

I'm reading a book called The Lineage of Grace, by Francine Rivers. The book covers the stories of 5 women in the bible and expands on them, it's fiction and pretty light reading, I wanted something light, but I've been feeling convicted while reading the story of Rahab. The Israelites did what they were told for the most part but they complained all the way through the wilderness, even as God continued to meet their every need, they complained. And isn't that why they never got to see the promised land? Complaining is my pride and my lack of faith combined I think. Somehow I think I have a better plan, that God must not know what he's doing, and somehow I've got things a little more figured out...and i know it's wrong, I'm wrong.

My desire is to trust with a faith that is strong and knows whom it has believed, and is convinced that He is able to keep that which I've committed to Him until that day. But I'm finding it difficult to release my plans and desires and just trust...Why is it difficult to believe that as God is love, He won't do anything to harm me but that He has plans to bring hope and a future? He's only been faithful and true so far....I have no reason to believe He would change now

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.