Ending

I cried when I realized that today is the last day of 2007. My tears were mixed with feelings of regret and hope. There were some days when it felt like the end would never come, like I wouldn’t ever make it this far. Now I wish I could go back in time and do some things over, soak it in a little more, appreciate the stress and let the tensions of cross-cultural life settle in as they desired as was inevitable rather than fighting them and letting them overwhelm me. I wish I could have taken some things just a little lighter, others I should have let them hit me harder. We do what we do to survive and sometimes the pain is too much for us to stand. Next time I will be a little less vulnerable, but maybe not. Vulnerability isn’t a choice sometimes.

God has been so good to allow me this opportunity of seeking and pursuing the desires of my heart and I think I have grown more than I can understand.

I don’t really know how to process my leaving Zambia, I want to hold on a little longer but I have heard the word, Go. I wanted it when it came but now I wish I hadn’t heard it or that I could just ignore it.

He said to me “Depart, depart, go out from there! Touch no unclean thing! Come out from it and be pure, you who carry the vessels of the Lord. But you will not go in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard” Isaiah 58:11,12.

When I opened My Utmost for His Highest this morning God affirmed His word to me and gently whispered peace to me, “Megan, for now you need to leave, don’t struggle, don’t fight, just go and I will go before and behind you. I am with you” The Chapter addressed for this last day of 2007 was Isaiah 58 “for ye shall not go out with haste, for the Lord will go before you”.

Yesterday the preacher said the year of 2008 was the year of new beginnings, a year of re-birth and I hold on to this as a word for me. This new year holds hope of better things to come, lessons learned in the past will come to show themselves in this New Year, and I will be different, changed. Today I stood in the kitchen making some treats for tonight and thought, I have to believe that God is able, that his power is supernatural, which means it doesn’t matter who I have been so far, He is still able to do something different in me. It sounds basic but I don’t think it is basic to believe it.

Yesterday
Security for Today. “For ye shall not go out with haste.” As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, unremembering delight, nor with the flight of impulsive thoughtlessness, but with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ.

Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest-

Answers

God's timing is not my own.
Trust
It's not easy

(Is that a haiku? :)

Trust I think might mean to believe that all things work together for the good of those who love Christ Jesus. So, when something is going in a way that is completely opposite of our desire and heart, we have to have peace knowing that our ways are not God's ways and if He doesn't allow something we can trust that it will still be for our good.

I tried to remember this as we were rushing to make it to immigration an hour away that we were told closed at 1pm. It was 12 and we were delayed leaving early in the morning for some reasons beyond my control. I pushed the gas hard, feeling a little out of control as I knew if I didn't arrive in time I would have to leave Zambia in only a day. I willed the car to perform well, I willed the immigration office to stay open just a minute or so late if we couldn't make it in time. I thought of whether God could bless irrational behavior as I settled myself a bit, we'll make it in time, the speed limit gets us there in an hour, it will be fine. I looked down at the dashboard only to find the temperature of the vehicle outstandingly high. Pulled over. Crying. Desperate...I'm not going to make it in time. This happened before with this car, something was wrong with it and it was overheating. Jacob said to keep driving, just keep it between 60 - 80 kph and it should be fine. It didn't feel fine as water was gurggling and boiling all over but we thought he knew best and got back in. I prayed that car into cool temperatures and felt it was working until all of a sudden the temperature rose again. It was 12:45, I cried some more as two angels walked up, released the water valve to let out the pressure, ran to find a random flower watering can in the middle of nowhere filled with water to fill up our empty water container in the car. We rushed on after 5 minutes to make it, praying all the way, asking for favor...I jumped out of the car, threw the keys to Natalie and ran to the door of the immigration only to find he had just left. I cried again as his secretary told me I could talk to the man next door. Shaking I entered and sat down with a sigh as I handed him my request letter. He sent me down to the next door of a man named Macbeth. Macbeth told me the office was open until 5pm, no worries, just get your ticket, make some copies, and we can handle this for you. Instant relief as I inwardly rebuked myself...isn't God in control?!

All this toil, a chasing after wind.

Money is coming, a place to go on Friday, an extension on my visa...wait patiently for the salvation of the Lord, He will not delay, although it seems that He may tarry, wait for it.

Malawi holds my next destination. I will be there for the next three weeks working with Somebody Cares before I go to South Africa to do my final reporting with them and make my way back to the States. My plans have changed a bit, I need to keep things simple or I get overwhelmed so my hopes for Europe are dwindling, maybe a long lay-over will do for now. I think I need to be home soon, a breaking has begun inside me and I think it necessary to have some support around to hold me.

God answers, He knows what I need even before I ask, he has begun to answer.

Obscurity

Leaning into the mist...leaning into God...right now it feels the same to me but I have to know from experience that God, although unseen, is dependable.

I leave in 8 days and have no where to go, at least today I don't. If I look ahead of today I feel overwhelmed with plans that I don't know how to make. How do I say goodbye, how do I plan for accommodations in another country, how do I keep my head on straight enough to do all this and finish my projects here in Zambia? Will someone come and take care of these things for me? Puh-leeeease???

I'm stepping into the unknown in literally every area of my life and I feel a little crazy. I don't want to leave Africa, and yet I feel it is time to go, for now at least. I'm crying a lot...not that it is abnormal for me to do so but I am hurting deep in my heart and need to hear from God on some things. Time isn't enough and it feels even shorter now than it has before. Is it possible to make an announcement to all of Zambia?

"My Dear Zambia, Iam leaving you and I want you to know how much it hurts me. I don't want you to forget me. I know it will be impossible for me to forget you. I love you. I have you in my heart, in my blood, in my skin. My life has become rich because of you. I have learnt what it means to live in a new way from you. You hold the smiles that bring joy to my heart, light to my face. Your colors are inspirational to me, your love has been healing to me. You have been my mother, my father, my brother and sister. When you notice that I have gone, know that it isn't because I have forgotten you. I haven't left because I didn't love you.I wish to come again. My children, little ones that call my name from the road, know that I cherish you more than words can express. Your futures weigh on my heart and I pray for hope for you, life and freedom from the cares and hurts you have known prematurely. I love you like a mother. I miss you already and will come back to you soon"

Pray for my heart, for light that exposes the darkness...

Merry

Merry Christmas!!! Look towards a new year always makes me excited. I love setting goals, thinking of the new things that are ahead to experience and enjoy. I hope you all have felt peace and joy in this season....but I feel like many of you have felt stress and maybe a little bit of pressure from the busy-ness of this season?

Christmas is simple here. Dancing, Singing, Eating if you have food (our kitchen was empty so we didn't feast as my stomach longed to). I took a walk and heard a chorus of smiling children echoing my Christmas greeting, "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, How are You?" A mass of hands waving in the air as I walked further down the road looking back and smiling. I walked to another house that was having a party and danced in front of too many people who enjoyed watching the M'zungu dance. I love dancing so it was fun, but I didn't realize that the song was dedicated to me, which meant I had to dance alone, in front of everyone. The day was mainly uneventful until evening when we got together with Naomi, Joe and Matthew, my favorite people here, and played UNO. We laughed a lot and had a good time. We stayed up till Midnight just to get the fullness out of the day, half-asleep on the couches until we were allowed to go to bed.

We had only arrived back in Zambia on Monday morning from a crazy adventure to Tanzania to see Dar Es Salaam and Zanzibar. We spent over four of our days on buses but made up for it by snorkeling in the Indian Ocean, riding on a boat that looked like a pirate ship, and riding the waves of the ocean as though we were born for the sea kind of life. It's the natural things that are so amazing...the ocean, looking at zebra fish and strange coral things that seemed to be breathing and swallowing salt water...that's the good stuff! :) I ate prawns and rice and drank fresh coconut milk, mangoes sprinkled with Chili, Pineapple slices with chili, fresh papaya...basically it was my kind of heaven. We walked through markets that smelled of fresh cilantro, cucumber and peppers. Spices rose in the air, cinnamon tree bark piled on tables, curry powder, ginger, cardamon pods, cloves...Spices. Another rich world that I feel sorry so many are scared to go explore. It was amazing.

when a heart doesn't know....

Four more weeks....four more weeks and then I will be quitting Zambia, leaving as though my heart has not been imprinted with its images, touched by it's people.

I used to say that I loved saying goodbye, but that was a lie actually. I love it when it is possible for me to say goodbye, but it rarely is. I hold too many things in my heart for much too long. I am not sure how to feel right now, I want to pull away, but know that my last few weeks will be ruined if I follow my instincts in this matter. No running away, I don't know what the future holds, to run may mean to say goodbye too early.

I think I may not have a home anymore, not now at least. My heart is a nomad. If it were not for the need of a good chiropractor, dentist, and other attention I might decide just to stay and forget this idea of leaving, but, that is only "If".


News:
I am hungry right now, hungry for Indian food I think and I might just go get some after I'm done on the computer. I posted some new pictures that are actually quite old now, but I think you might be happy to see them.

JOY

First of all, let me apologize for not getting back to you all regularly on Email. With my month away the emails have backed up and for some reason email has been a rare thing to access of late. This may not change too much in this next month or so so I hope that you all can just love me and know that I love you in return, even though I am not responding too much.

So, God has been teaching me about JOY and LOVE. They have been on my heart for a while but I think I need to be reminded of what God does and how we works. In church on Sunday I read through Isaiah 58 during the prayer time and felt so clearly God asking me to stop looking at myself, my weaknesses, my hurts, and to look towards others through Him. I think I can get caught in a place of self-pity, wanting to be understood rather than focusing on understanding. I heard very clearly that I was to turn my eyes to others and the meaning of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" became real. I felt full as I sat there reflecting on what God was saying to me, to give rather than receive is truly the best, but we get so caught up in receiving, so desperate to have our needs met before we can be content rather than do for others what we long for so much in our own selves.

Remember that little saying about JOY we learned when we were young?

Jesus
Others
You

I think it's true. And I have been getting excited about it.

I am also feeling strongly that God has designed me and called me to be a mother. Not just of my own children but of those around me that I seem to attract, specifically young girls. He has called me to be for them what they need, to use my nurturing spirit to give them love. I don't know what this will look like, but I see that this has been a consistent theme of my time here and something that my passions excite at the thought of. I already have a few daughters here in Zambia and I wonder, where will God have me.

Please pray for further direction and discernment as I face my future. I feel like the rest of my time in Africa is up in the air. Zambia is only for sure until the 30th of this month when my Permit expires, January is still unclear, and I will go back to South Africa the first week of February. Still feeling a bit misplaced, but wanting to make the best of the opportunities I have.

God has blessed me with Natalie. I find that I have motivation when I have someone beside me. I crave the presence of another, it is the way God created me. I am a relational being. I don't need to do everything with someone, but I need to have someone around, to know that I am not alone. I'm enjoying the girl talks, the dance parties, and just having someone else in the house. Thank you Lord for every good and perfect gift!