Thinking

My mom told me that it was evident in my blog that I am not really…doing anything. Okay, maybe she said MUCh, that I am obviously not doing much but, this actually is not entirely true. I am helping out here and there as I can and am preparing to leave South Africa, but yes, things have changed quite a bit since I first arrived. I was annoyed at times with our packed schedule at first but now I am wishing it was packed again. There are only so many things I can do in an office before I start feeling stir crazy and want to go outside and enjoy the weather and the trees and the sunshine. But, I am in a period of waiting so I am trying to make the most of it.

I don’t want to give you a play by play of everything I am doing now as it isn’t all that interesting but I want you to know that I am still here, still lending a hand as I can, but having a lot of thinking time. This can actually be a very bad thing for me. I am doing my best to keep things healthy, mind, soul and spirit.

Have you ever come to a point where you just see what a fallen person you are? I come to this point about three times a day. :) Okay, but seriously, I am faced with my own reality daily, and yet, God promises something different. I am finding myself fighting against Him. Isn’t that crazy? I am here in Africa, finally giving Him my life, committing my life to Him, asking Him to do with it what He wants…and then, secretly, I take it back. I think about what kind of husband he has for me, and decide that I would rather choose on my own although I have time and time again failed in this area. I think of what He might ask me to do and find my heart building a wall around it. Excuses begin to flow from my heart telling myself all the reasons why I cannot do what He might ask me to do someday. I am beginning to think that God has me here in this waiting period to figure some of these things out. To at least become aware of what I am doing internally when I think of God and His will. I am constantly finding myself on my knees on the path of pleasing God and the words of John Lynch echo in my mind, “it is about Trusting God, not pleasing Him”. “Is there another road?” He asks in desperation as he’s failed at the road of pleasing God and all he can see is the road of trusting God in front of Him. Please, let there be another road! I laugh as I feel the similarities between my walk and the one John speaks of in his True-faced series. You know, being here isn’t like being away at college or going to a new place and being surrounded by peers…it is more like being the only one under the microscope surrounded by a bunch of professionals. Or that is the way I feel today. I want to fight so hard to be strong and perfect and presentable while all the while I really just want to be myself and know that its going to be okay. Okay, it’s like being at church, all day long. Yeah, maybe that describes it well. We’ve all been to those churches; many churches are like this actually. You put your smile on before you go in and you don’t think of taking it off until you leave the building. Will I be who I am here or will I succumb to the expectations or others? I want to scream “I am who I am”. I haven’t yet, but I am getting there. You can only survive for so long before you just have to be real. Not that the real me is bad, I don’t actually think that it is…but the real me doesn’t look like someone you would ask to be a missionary. What was God thinking? Didn’t he know that they would be looking for someone else? Maybe I am being a little dramatic. I am a little emotional lately and again, my mind has been going about a mile a minute. …but my expectation of their expectations…maybe that’s it. I am scared that I am turning into a very introspective and serious person but I think that has something to do with my present surroundings. Get me around some crazy people and I will get right again, don’t you worry.

Yesterday was my father’s birthday. I will not tell you his age for the protection of his personal comfort :) He is, VERY old though…please be sure, if you know him, to tell him happy Birthday. My pops is a great man and deserves much more recognition than I think he gets. I think he’s amazing. If you knew him I think you’d agree. I love you pops and wish you an amazing 75th!