Can I come home???

I am sitting here in the wilderness and understand that I need to make a choice to thank God anyways, to trust Him, to believe Him. Can I be honest with you right now and say that I want to come home? I want my mom...I want some comfort and something normal to count on. I think that Africa is my wilderness, where God has drawn me to take me away from my lovers, those I've depended on for my security. It is here that I wait for Him to be my comfort, my everything...because daily I am reminded that I have nothing without Him. There is an elephant sitting on my chest and I am struggling to breathe...why can't this just be easy? To trust God takes what? I am being stretched, maybe that is what I feel in my heart, stretching...

I am seeing people dying and I am getting angry. I forget what stage that is in the grieving process but anger is what I feel. So many sick and so many afraid of getting medical attention. The Sangoma sounds better to them, it is all they've known, all they've heard to trust in. A sangoma is a witch doctor by the way. We went to see this tiny little baby in Cork, a community by Hazyview. The baby was 9 months old and is skin and bones. He probably has meningitis, he also probably is HIV + by the looks of him. There are bumps all over this fragile little body and scabs behind both ears that the flies loved to feast on. I was disgusted, wanted to give him a bath and then kidnap him and take him to the Doctor's. He kept crying, the mother was desperate. We told her her baby would die if she didn't take him to the Doctors and she just got up and walked away. She knows...but she is filled with fear. Cork is a community that began as the place to send the bad Sangomas. The community is filled with oppression and it can appear to be completely hopeless.

On the flip side, after I spent part of my weekend in Cork we went to another Town near the Mozambican border and spent the night at a Hunting Reserve. I was in a movie...or maybe it just felt like i was in a movie. We dined by fireside, they served Impala sausages and chicken...you can guess what I ate. These men are serious hunters...serious. They live to kill and their den spoke volumes with the Elephant heads, stuffed LIONS, giraffe heads, and more hung all around the walls. They had Elephant stools which meant that they had used the foot of an elephant to make a stool...disgusting. Our Chalet had an Elephant trunk mounted to a wooden plate standing on the floor...you may not understand what the purpose was until you looked closer and saw the light bulb attachment on it...perfect lamp huh?! Wow...I was in a world that I had never enjoyed being a part of with all the dead stuff, but it was also amazing. Our chalet had a thatched roof and smelled like the hay on my grandparents farm. When I went to the main lodge in the morning what was standing there to greet me but a baby giraffe getting his breakfast out of a bottle. His name is Stripes and he enjoys sticking his head into the kitchen to find whatever food he can scrounge up. This was a delight! New experiences every day.

I decided that I am going to Malawi as planned. Got gave me a verse in Habakkuk I think about remembering the vision God gives in order for you to run with it. It said that it might seem like God is tarrying, but just to wait, because God is faithful...and I am holding onto this and walking confidently to Malawi unless God closes the door. I am excited about going but dreading leaving my friends here behind. This might be the exact move I need though.

Please pray for my heart. I am waiting on God, and I will praise Him in this storm, I WILL...it is a choice and I choose to trust Him, I just wish I felt better. Please pray that I would have discernment, that He would give me peace about what He is doing in my life...I need some peace right now. I miss you all too much right now and love you lots! Remember to appreciate the comfortable, because when it isn't there...you miss it! :)