Toilet paper

We have been on holiday since Friday and we still have today and tomorrow...lots of time for the restless Megan to think and obsess and create funny things inside of her head. Please pray for my thoughts and my heart, I continually need to fill them up with Truth to combat what I can fill them with myself.

So we went to a lodge on Saturday called Hannah Lodge. Brooke and I shared a chalet (which just sounds great huh?!). The Chalet was light yellow and had one of those thatched roofs on it that in the sun shines like a seal, it is beautiful. We had a great view of the valley and the game reserve that the lodge was sitting on. We arrived in the afternoon to barely catch the 4pm game drive. We sat on a stadium style seating truck that was completely open. We were going to drive through the bush to see what we could see. No lions are on the property but there are rhinos and a leopard and a bunch of other fun stuff that isn't too thrilling or scary. As we began the drive we found that the only animals we were capturing on film looked strangely familiar. They took the form of myself and Brooker and looked nothing like animals at all actually. We had a great time being silly sitting on the very top bench of this huge stadium style truck. The benches were shallow so we found ourselves sliding off and creating dangerous imaginative circumstances that never would come to be. We finally stopped to look at something amazing. Oddly enough the driver got off the truck and I wondered what was happening. He returned onto the truck carrying a handful of twigs..."Do you see the plant that I am holding here?" He asked as though this was to be a magic trick or something VERY important. "Feel it" he said as he began to pass pieces of his bush around to us in the truck. "can you feel how soft it is?" He waited for all of us to say yes, I was reminded of grade school. "This bush is the Toilet Paper bush. If you are in the bush and need to use the toilet, here is your toilet paper." It was so funny and actually one of the most impressive sights we say during the drive. It was all part of the adventure though, and that is what made it so great. It is becoming winter here so the drive was freezing. They passed out wool blankets to us before we left but it just wasn't enough to keep the cold out.

We decided to go on the morning drive as well. Get up at 6am for the 6:30 departure. This time I was prepared. Long sleeves shirt, Pants, sweatshirt, scarf, beenie, plus two blankets...I was still cold! Not what you imagined Africa to be like huh?! Me either. We saw a bunch of warthogs and I have decided that I like the warthogs the best so far. They are so little and think they are really fierce. They stare you down, and then when you get too close they run as fast as their little legs will take them. They remind me of my dog Jack. I LOVED THEM!

On our drive home we went to Blyde River Canyon, absolutely GORGEOUS! It was an adventure to say the least!

Love you!

Don't Worry

Okay, I can be the first person to admit that I have my ups and downs and I usually put them right out there just in case anyone is interested, they know where I stand at the moment. Yes, each moment might be a little different...and I hope that that is okay.

I am feeling much better today. I talked to my mom last night on the phone and let her know what was going on inside of me. How wonderful it is that God gives us others in this world to be in relationship with. You know we must trust God, but He gave Adam Eve, he needed a help meet, someone to stand with him, and we all need people in our lives. I can get into this mind set that if I am trusting God I had better not discuss my problems or concerns with anyone else, but that doesn't seem right, and I don't think it is.

So today we went to a house in town called the Millennium House, we actually went there yesterday as well. This is a sort of half-way house for children under 6yrs that have been abandoned by their parents at the local hospital. There are about 11 children there and they are absolutely adorable. It was good to be there and spend some time with them. Lots of babies to cuddle with and I admit that the idea of adoption did enter into my mind. :)

Everyone on my team is going through struggles right now with the upcoming move. Farzam is really having a difficult time with his family's pressures to get him back home. I am just the usual emotional gal as always, and Brooke is trying to decide how long she is going to stay. Pray for all of us that we will know God's will in these things and have confidence in moving forward.

We have a holiday weekend this weekend and are hoping to maybe go camping together which would actually be a really nice thing. There is a place called Blythe River Canyon that is sounding like a good place to be. We'll see what we can do.

Anyway, just a quickie here...I posted some more pictures yesterday as well just to let you know.

Love

Can I come home???

I am sitting here in the wilderness and understand that I need to make a choice to thank God anyways, to trust Him, to believe Him. Can I be honest with you right now and say that I want to come home? I want my mom...I want some comfort and something normal to count on. I think that Africa is my wilderness, where God has drawn me to take me away from my lovers, those I've depended on for my security. It is here that I wait for Him to be my comfort, my everything...because daily I am reminded that I have nothing without Him. There is an elephant sitting on my chest and I am struggling to breathe...why can't this just be easy? To trust God takes what? I am being stretched, maybe that is what I feel in my heart, stretching...

I am seeing people dying and I am getting angry. I forget what stage that is in the grieving process but anger is what I feel. So many sick and so many afraid of getting medical attention. The Sangoma sounds better to them, it is all they've known, all they've heard to trust in. A sangoma is a witch doctor by the way. We went to see this tiny little baby in Cork, a community by Hazyview. The baby was 9 months old and is skin and bones. He probably has meningitis, he also probably is HIV + by the looks of him. There are bumps all over this fragile little body and scabs behind both ears that the flies loved to feast on. I was disgusted, wanted to give him a bath and then kidnap him and take him to the Doctor's. He kept crying, the mother was desperate. We told her her baby would die if she didn't take him to the Doctors and she just got up and walked away. She knows...but she is filled with fear. Cork is a community that began as the place to send the bad Sangomas. The community is filled with oppression and it can appear to be completely hopeless.

On the flip side, after I spent part of my weekend in Cork we went to another Town near the Mozambican border and spent the night at a Hunting Reserve. I was in a movie...or maybe it just felt like i was in a movie. We dined by fireside, they served Impala sausages and chicken...you can guess what I ate. These men are serious hunters...serious. They live to kill and their den spoke volumes with the Elephant heads, stuffed LIONS, giraffe heads, and more hung all around the walls. They had Elephant stools which meant that they had used the foot of an elephant to make a stool...disgusting. Our Chalet had an Elephant trunk mounted to a wooden plate standing on the floor...you may not understand what the purpose was until you looked closer and saw the light bulb attachment on it...perfect lamp huh?! Wow...I was in a world that I had never enjoyed being a part of with all the dead stuff, but it was also amazing. Our chalet had a thatched roof and smelled like the hay on my grandparents farm. When I went to the main lodge in the morning what was standing there to greet me but a baby giraffe getting his breakfast out of a bottle. His name is Stripes and he enjoys sticking his head into the kitchen to find whatever food he can scrounge up. This was a delight! New experiences every day.

I decided that I am going to Malawi as planned. Got gave me a verse in Habakkuk I think about remembering the vision God gives in order for you to run with it. It said that it might seem like God is tarrying, but just to wait, because God is faithful...and I am holding onto this and walking confidently to Malawi unless God closes the door. I am excited about going but dreading leaving my friends here behind. This might be the exact move I need though.

Please pray for my heart. I am waiting on God, and I will praise Him in this storm, I WILL...it is a choice and I choose to trust Him, I just wish I felt better. Please pray that I would have discernment, that He would give me peace about what He is doing in my life...I need some peace right now. I miss you all too much right now and love you lots! Remember to appreciate the comfortable, because when it isn't there...you miss it! :)

Free

Oh goodness, what can I write? I have been sitting at the computer for over an hour now responding to emails while laughing and crying over what you all have written. It is so great to hear from you and read your encouraging words.

I feel like I have been busy but I don't think I really have been, just my mind has been busy. We are getting ready to leave for our countries, can you believe it has been almost two months already? This Sunday I think marks the two month period. I am beginning to think that a year isn't going to be enough, but, one step at a time...don't worry Christine, Terri, JR...don't worry! :)

I got to meet with the CEO of Hands@Work for two days last week. He took us volunteers out just to get to know him a bit better and it was a great time. The first day he took us to a botanical garden. It was so lush and green and we sat in the middle of a grassy hill with water sprinklers all around us and we talked about the heart of God. I was challenged in such a huge way. He sat there asking us if we knew who God was, and my answer echoed in every part of my being, "No". Tears streamed down my face as He spoke, the sacrifices he has made for the lives of others, the sacrifice that God made for us when He died for us...and what was I doing? "Who do you say I am?" I heard Jesus asking me this question and my response was embarrassing. "Well, you are the judge, the avenger, the punisher, and I am not sure that you truly love me...I am not sure that I know you at all actually" I answered honestly, I wanted to be honest about this question. We had a chance to go and spend some time with God while walking through the park and I waited expectantly for God to give me a sign..."where are you God, speak to me." Our assignment was to go home and read Isaiah 58 and as I read my heart was broken as I had been asking God all day to show Himself to me, I was earnestly seeking Him. The first few verses spoke directly to me and I heard God saying, "Show me Megan, show me that you earnestly are seeking my will, show me." Oh that time with God was precious as I think for the first time I comprehended who God truly was, I mean, I think I really got it...not all of it, not all of Him, but I began to understand for the first time the real reality of a God, my God, and what it means that He is who He is. My Ramblings may not be making any sense but I left that afternoon overflowing with Joy at having been so blessed to be part of a life, a creation who's Master and Creator is also a lover.

The next day we went to a remote Mozambican refugee camp. What an outstanding imprint on my mind. A creche, which is a pre-school, for 54 kids, sized 10ft x 20ft. The only roof is a ripped piece of material, the only seats are four old tires. 54 kiddos stay all day in this small space. there is no toilet, no running water, no electricity, no toys...and this community eats meat once a year, there is no meat availability. It was amazing to meet the people, to build a small relationship with the teacher of the Creche, her name is Thelma, she is young, she is amazing.

I have two minutes, what more can I say? Have I told you how they say, "be free" here in Africa? Well, I will say it again, I love it...it speaks acceptance and honesty.

Be free my friends!

Negative

Yes, I am negative today...and this was a blessing. As I sat in the chair the social worker that I have been training with explained to me HIV/AIDS. She asked, "have you any reason to believe that you could be infected by HIV/AIDS?" I looked her in the eyes and felt tears coming on, "Yes." I wondered if she had started to judge me. She continued to look me in the eyes, "have you taken part in any risky behaviors?" I answered in the affirmative again. I felt nervous. She was compassionate in her gaze. Megan, I want you to know that there is life no matter if you are negative or positive. I smiled but felt weak inside. Of course you can say that if you are negative...it means nothing to the one who is about to test. I thought of what my life would mean if I was positive. Would I be able to continue, would I feel hope? She asked me if I was ready and I said yes although I would have rather just run away and avoided the issue altogether. The nurse came in, she pricked my right middle finger and worked the blood to the tip. She placed a drop into two little plastic testers. I sat there and waited, Dorcas, the social worker, had her arm around my shoulder. She told me not to be nervous as she was shaking the test, trying to get it to work faster, past the number 2, past the number 1...I asked her if she was nervous, she said Yes. I knew she was in this with me, she was involved and I was glad, I needed her there for me. Finally the liquid made it past the 2, past the 1, and then a line was drawn on the C...Negative. Relief swept over my face, she smiled, we both laughed. It was great.

When I left she handed me a folded piece of paper. "Here's your love letter" she said. It was my testing sheet showing negative. It was a love letter, from God. How I have been so fortunate I don't understand, but I know that I was there, feeling the same way those I work with feel...all of the past, all of the regrets swelling in my mind, weighing down my heart..and then sweet releasing words, "You're negative." I wish they all received the same news.

Love and PEACE...oh and a little bit of grace as well :)

Pictures

Hey All,

fixed this:


I was able to post a few pictures to my flickr account. I thought I would be able to do pictures on here but I haven't figured that out yet. My flickr account is www.flickr.com/christophersondaesysun I think. YOu can check them out!

I will have to write more later. Love you all! Happy Easter!

Disconnect

This week has been a bit of a struggle. Bi-polar you could say, I have just self-diagnosed myself...I expected this to happen when I first arrived, and it did, but it has come back and I was hoping I was done with the emotional ups and downs. We have been doing a lot of workshops, which means we are at the ASM campus and folks are coming in to talk to us about their programs. Although it is a nice break I feel like I am sitting too much. Being relaxed sometimes is not a good thing. I would much rather return home exhausted, dusty, and ready for bed by 7pm. All the class time allows the mind to go a little crazy as well...if you know me you understand that this is just not a healthy place for me to be, I am obsessive enough already.
I was given the chance to share my heart yesterday at the Young Mums program. I had felt the Lord had laid it on my heart to speak to this group about my own personal struggles for love and acceptance. Many women here believe that since I have no children that I had lived a perfect life...I wanted to encourage them that their struggles are human struggles, not South African young women struggles. I broke down, I shared my heart, I encouraged them to go to God as I needed to...I read Hosea chapter 2 to them...I prayed that God would use my story, I hope He will.
Today I shadowed the social worker at the AIDS clinic that is right across the road from ASM. Her name is Dorcas. I was able to sit in on two VCT's, this means Voluntary, Counseling, Testing. Most people say VCT when they are getting tested for HIV/AIDS. The first I came into a man had just been told he was HIV+. He was older and said that He wasn't surprised, He was fine with it. I sat and thought about how I would feel and understood a fraction of what he must have felt...it rattled me. The second VCT was for an older lady. She was suffering from Cervical Cancer. I related to her, knowing that I might be sitting in the same chair someday, and my emotions were so involved in her story I started to feel faint. I was overwhelmed as she told of her bleeding. She was there to get some treatment for cancer but the clinic only serves HIV+ patients so insists that all that come get tested first...this is a good thing and somewhat forces patients to come face to face with their reality. It is tough, but necessary. Anyhow, she was sitting there, wondering if she had AIDS. She just wanted to know for sure. They speak with them first, ask them how they feel, what would they do if they were positive? They don't use gloves in this clinic...I have actually never seen anyone with Hands@Work using gloves. They pricked her with a needle and used two 5 minute tests that are about 95% accurate. They chatted with her while waiting for the results. One line on the C meant she was clean. A line on the C and the one means she would have HIV-1, a line on the C, the 1 and the 2 would mean a foreign strand of HIV-1 and HIV-2, something that is very rare. I was nervous. I saw the two plastic cases as they passed them over to the patient. "Do you know what this means?" The nurse asked her? A big smile came onto the nurses face, relief poured through my chest. She was negative! Every generalization I had formed was beaten down inside of me. It is easy to begin to believe that all of the Blacks here in South Africa are positive. The woman smiled and tears came into her eyes. She picked up the tests and looked closely and then insisted that she must be positive. "No, you are negative." She couldn't believe it, wouldn't believe it. The smile never left her face but there was shock showing as well. She had been protected. How wonderful it was to see that and what a good reminder. They are all individuals you know, and they all have different stories. It was a good day. We began the day having prayer in a little courtyard between two of the buildings. The sky was dark with grey clouds covering the sky. Mist poured down as the rich sounds of African Gospel flowed from the 40+ volunteers who surrounded me. What a beautiful morning it was. If I could capture the moment I would sent a bit of it to each and every one of you so you could experience true worship and the blessings I have every day I volunteer in the community. There is always beauty in the midst of the ashes. God's promises are faithful.

We are on vacation until this upcoming Tuesday, it will be nice to have a few days off and maybe get out to see some things. Maybe God's Window, a beautiful Mountain look out around here, maybe Kruger Park. We'll see what we have time for.

Please continue to pray, it has been so encouraging to hear from you all and the prayers you have prayed have met my needs exactly. Thank you for this!

Peace and love to you all! Niyabonga!