Maybe it's time for me to write a blog entry?
Talking I think is overrated....I've been doing a lot of talking lately, lots of people want to listen to stories and wisdom I've gained and as I talk, hoping that my words will somehow hold a weight beyond myself, I realize exactly that...it is beyond myself, and I would rather just be listening.
I think part of it is an insecurity on my part. I would rather listen to you than have to speak and hope I sound interesting or believe you actually want to hear what I am trying to say. But another new part of it all is the realization that I have really nothing to say that sounds any good to me any more. I am tired of hearing myself try to explain how to effectively meet the needs of my friends in Africa. How do I know? I love Africa, I love my friends and family there....I can tell you about that, I can tell you about my experience and what I saw, but I haven't even begun to process through everything. The realities, the consequences, the solutions...I'm not there yet, and somehow I feel like I am trying to be smarter than I am when I try to answer questions like these.
Am I being lazy? Maybe this is avoidance? I'm just not sure yet. But what I do know is that listening is a pretty good idea. Listening points towards learning, and then maybe something could change or an impact could be made...but really, just listening is good, all on it's own.
I'll be working on Haiku's....this is my first one since i finally looked up the definition of syllables:
weight is too heavy
seemingly words are too light
Echoing canyon
3.07.2008
2.27.2008
Hours
I went to bed exhausted around 11:30pm after meeting up with my closest friends last night, I had to party like a young person you know? (imagine me sitting with my elbows on the coffee table, chin resting on my palms to keep my head up, eyes half closed, yawning every 5 minutes or so...that's the kind of party I'm doing these days)
I thought I wouldn't be effected by Jet Lag, but here I am, only 3 hours of sleep and I am wide awake at 3am wondering when everyone else will get up so I can make more noise or have some company...might have to wait a couple more hours for that wish to come true.
I feel like i need to apologize, I have a bad attitude. I've been feeling resistant to coming home, negative about the States. I feel like it is easier for me to say something critical rather than just enjoying my time here, and I'm sorry. I keep thinking of how God wants obedience from us, from me, and I wonder if it is still considered obedience if you complain the whole way?
I'm reading a book called The Lineage of Grace, by Francine Rivers. The book covers the stories of 5 women in the bible and expands on them, it's fiction and pretty light reading, I wanted something light, but I've been feeling convicted while reading the story of Rahab. The Israelites did what they were told for the most part but they complained all the way through the wilderness, even as God continued to meet their every need, they complained. And isn't that why they never got to see the promised land? Complaining is my pride and my lack of faith combined I think. Somehow I think I have a better plan, that God must not know what he's doing, and somehow I've got things a little more figured out...and i know it's wrong, I'm wrong.
My desire is to trust with a faith that is strong and knows whom it has believed, and is convinced that He is able to keep that which I've committed to Him until that day. But I'm finding it difficult to release my plans and desires and just trust...Why is it difficult to believe that as God is love, He won't do anything to harm me but that He has plans to bring hope and a future? He's only been faithful and true so far....I have no reason to believe He would change now
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I thought I wouldn't be effected by Jet Lag, but here I am, only 3 hours of sleep and I am wide awake at 3am wondering when everyone else will get up so I can make more noise or have some company...might have to wait a couple more hours for that wish to come true.
I feel like i need to apologize, I have a bad attitude. I've been feeling resistant to coming home, negative about the States. I feel like it is easier for me to say something critical rather than just enjoying my time here, and I'm sorry. I keep thinking of how God wants obedience from us, from me, and I wonder if it is still considered obedience if you complain the whole way?
I'm reading a book called The Lineage of Grace, by Francine Rivers. The book covers the stories of 5 women in the bible and expands on them, it's fiction and pretty light reading, I wanted something light, but I've been feeling convicted while reading the story of Rahab. The Israelites did what they were told for the most part but they complained all the way through the wilderness, even as God continued to meet their every need, they complained. And isn't that why they never got to see the promised land? Complaining is my pride and my lack of faith combined I think. Somehow I think I have a better plan, that God must not know what he's doing, and somehow I've got things a little more figured out...and i know it's wrong, I'm wrong.
My desire is to trust with a faith that is strong and knows whom it has believed, and is convinced that He is able to keep that which I've committed to Him until that day. But I'm finding it difficult to release my plans and desires and just trust...Why is it difficult to believe that as God is love, He won't do anything to harm me but that He has plans to bring hope and a future? He's only been faithful and true so far....I have no reason to believe He would change now
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
2.26.2008
Noticing
Im home...in good ole Arizona....its strange to be home but still feel a bit like you're not home really. I mean, this will always be home, my house, my family...but not where I unpack and just relax...not yet at least.
Shorts and t-shirts in the winter, one of the things I noticed when we arrived at the airport, I also was amazed at the width of our street as we were driving to our house, it's massive! Another interesting thing, the toilet bowls here have a LOT of water in them!!! I thought it was overflowing but it wasn't, just "normal". I love how everything smells good at my mom's house, like candles have been burning all the time or something. The house is like a palace to me, not because of it's size, but the shiny tiles, clean walls and high fluffy beds...I'm a princess right now.
Im smelling everything and it all smells so nice! I went to Fry's to get some coffee today, holy choices!!! Do you know how many kinds of Chai Tea there are?????
Shorts and t-shirts in the winter, one of the things I noticed when we arrived at the airport, I also was amazed at the width of our street as we were driving to our house, it's massive! Another interesting thing, the toilet bowls here have a LOT of water in them!!! I thought it was overflowing but it wasn't, just "normal". I love how everything smells good at my mom's house, like candles have been burning all the time or something. The house is like a palace to me, not because of it's size, but the shiny tiles, clean walls and high fluffy beds...I'm a princess right now.
Im smelling everything and it all smells so nice! I went to Fry's to get some coffee today, holy choices!!! Do you know how many kinds of Chai Tea there are?????
Remembering
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to
When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to
Ginny Owen
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to
When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to
Ginny Owen
2.16.2008
Pictures
Lana and I in Venice, my Valentine. Having a typical Italian breakfast, coffee and Pastry...
See all the Gondola's behind me? I was too cheap to ride one, so I thought a picture would do!
a bird is on my head...but it's Italy, so it's okay...2.13.2008
Africans...in Italy
Italy was not just a random idea, not just a holiday, but an area of opportunity...for lots of things
I've been talking today to the family I am staying with, the Krause's, many of you may know them. They are missionaries out here as well as a couple I used to look up to as a child. It's funny to trade stories together, theirs coming from teenage/adult perspectives and mine coming from the mere 9 year old I was when my father was their teacher. Funny!
They work with many West Africans and are hoping to develop more of a outreach for them here, and that is why I am here (well, and for good gelato and pizza). I've heard a lot, much more to hear and see but I am excited about what they are doing.
I feel like the world is opening up and, although exciting it is a bit daunting. I love the cultures, the languages, the atmospheres. Adventure knocks, has been knocking, and I hope continues to knock at my door, reminding me of the big smallness of this place called earth. I think there is a lot to be prayed about, direction to be received, and faith to be placed in and before God. Continue to pray for my future, for the decisions and my ability to hear God through the excitement of it all.
Rob and Sandy are great and it has been fun to have someone to trade sarcasm with that actually get's it.
I've been talking today to the family I am staying with, the Krause's, many of you may know them. They are missionaries out here as well as a couple I used to look up to as a child. It's funny to trade stories together, theirs coming from teenage/adult perspectives and mine coming from the mere 9 year old I was when my father was their teacher. Funny!
They work with many West Africans and are hoping to develop more of a outreach for them here, and that is why I am here (well, and for good gelato and pizza). I've heard a lot, much more to hear and see but I am excited about what they are doing.
I feel like the world is opening up and, although exciting it is a bit daunting. I love the cultures, the languages, the atmospheres. Adventure knocks, has been knocking, and I hope continues to knock at my door, reminding me of the big smallness of this place called earth. I think there is a lot to be prayed about, direction to be received, and faith to be placed in and before God. Continue to pray for my future, for the decisions and my ability to hear God through the excitement of it all.
Rob and Sandy are great and it has been fun to have someone to trade sarcasm with that actually get's it.
2.12.2008
Italiano
Italy is a breath of fresh air. The atmosphere is cool and the wind cuts through my clothes and onto my skin where it leaves a mark with goose bumps, instant energy
We took a late night walk = after 7pm for me (call me grandma from now on)
I was cold
We ate Gelato
(this time that had to be a haiku right?!)
God is basically amazing to have created so much to wonder and marvel at, the world is beautiful!
We took a late night walk = after 7pm for me (call me grandma from now on)
I was cold
We ate Gelato
(this time that had to be a haiku right?!)
God is basically amazing to have created so much to wonder and marvel at, the world is beautiful!
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