There are days when you feel you may not survive if you had to leave the people you were with, and then you do....
Coming back is difficult, strange, un-familiar. Maybe it is just me, maybe I don't want to act, maybe I am out of my comfort zone right now. I really don't like the fact that my year has flown by. I mean, it hasn't flown all the time. There were times when time was just dragging, when I thought the next week, the next day would NEVER come. But, it always did, and its a shame it came so quickly because I would like to have just a bit more of those dragging days.
My mind is full of experiences, fears for the future and trying to process them is a job in itself. I've left my family in Zambia, my friends in Malawi, and now I am back in South and trying to figure out how I fit into this new, yet old, equation.
I couldn't sleep last night, too much swirling through my mind. Will you all promise to be my friends when I get back home? :) I need some good friends, I need some de-compressing time, I need...a massage.
God doesn't change does He? That is a question and a statement depending on how it is read.
I was given the same passage today that I was given the first week I arrived in Africa - Proverbs 3:5&6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto you own understanding, In all your ways, acknowledge him and He will direct your paths... it isn't a mistake, it is still needed today maybe more than ever - walking into the unknown known. It is a strange thing!
1.29.2008
1.25.2008
weeks
time flies when you're having fun!
I went to a baby clinic today and fed some of the babies...I kept reminding myself of my father's words, "don't come home with a baby" If I had been working there this whole time I guarantee I would have broken that promise!
I was thinking of how much has changed, how my scenery here is very different. A month ago I was television-less, CD-player-less, computer-less, roommate-less, car-less...my life existed within a square mile radius. Funny how Lilongwe feels like the big city to me...
Last week the water ran out here and Jessie told me there was only enough to wash my face and brush my teeth. I went into the bathroom, filled the trash bucket with water and took a full bath, even washed my hair, and felt like a true African woman! :) I could handle it more than a local from Lilongwe....yeah for small township Zambia! :)
Anyway, just wanted to give a little update. Only two days left in Malawi and I'm again trying to figure out how I can be back within the next two months. we'll see!
I went to a baby clinic today and fed some of the babies...I kept reminding myself of my father's words, "don't come home with a baby" If I had been working there this whole time I guarantee I would have broken that promise!
I was thinking of how much has changed, how my scenery here is very different. A month ago I was television-less, CD-player-less, computer-less, roommate-less, car-less...my life existed within a square mile radius. Funny how Lilongwe feels like the big city to me...
Last week the water ran out here and Jessie told me there was only enough to wash my face and brush my teeth. I went into the bathroom, filled the trash bucket with water and took a full bath, even washed my hair, and felt like a true African woman! :) I could handle it more than a local from Lilongwe....yeah for small township Zambia! :)
Anyway, just wanted to give a little update. Only two days left in Malawi and I'm again trying to figure out how I can be back within the next two months. we'll see!
1.20.2008
Resistance
I can feel myself fighting the idea of going home
could I somehow make a way to stay here forever?
I like change, but only when I have a bit of an idea of how that change will impact my life
I have no idea what will happen when I get to the States...
I have been working on editing and writing, odd jobs for the project in Malawi and keeping busy with friends, games, dancing, laughing, meeting new people, thinking and wondering about tomorrow
I will de-brief with the project in South Africa in two weeks and I am nervous, strange how things change over the course of time, one would never expect how things will actually turn out.
I could use your prayers right now, I don't want to be running away from things
could I somehow make a way to stay here forever?
I like change, but only when I have a bit of an idea of how that change will impact my life
I have no idea what will happen when I get to the States...
I have been working on editing and writing, odd jobs for the project in Malawi and keeping busy with friends, games, dancing, laughing, meeting new people, thinking and wondering about tomorrow
I will de-brief with the project in South Africa in two weeks and I am nervous, strange how things change over the course of time, one would never expect how things will actually turn out.
I could use your prayers right now, I don't want to be running away from things
1.09.2008
Faithful
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
Brooke Fraser
~This has been my theme song for Africa~
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
Brooke Fraser
~This has been my theme song for Africa~
1.07.2008
Sorry Sorry for Everything
I MISS ZAMBIA!!!! Matthew, Joe, Naomi, Ba-Paul....sorry, sorry for everything.... :)
African countries can be worlds apart, vastly different from one another. I am in a world that disappoints me. Maybe I have glorified Zambia, the people, my friends, but I am in a place right now that speaks too strongly of America, living a life a little less than meaningful, wasting time, gifts, people and I wonder if it is preparation for going home?
The city can be a land of opportunities, it can also be a land where potential goes to waste. People forget to use their imaginations and discover something else than what is offered so freely. Drinking, smoking, television...my mind seems to be shriveling when it cries to be thriving.
When do we decide to live our lives for others? I don't mean to serve others in a glorious way, but living our lives to please others, a life without intention or conviction, a life of desperation. Everything within me is fighting against this idea that my worth is dependant on another person. Why are we so afraid of being alone that we settle for being alone in the midst of people we try to please while our spirits are crushed, crying out for love and acceptance?
This really has nothing to do with Malawi and everything to do with the nature of being human. We need a Savior, someone to tell us that life has a purpose outside of ourselves, outside of everyone around us, and inside the one who is our creator and in that place we will find streams of living water to quench all that is dry and longing in us to find fulfillment.
I want something more from life than this. We are all vulnerable people and we are destroying each other. I think of that quote from a film on HIV/AIDS I watched at WOG before I came out here, the man said, "We have lost our respect for human kind." It was actually something a little longer and maybe more profound than that but when is the hurting going to stop and healing going to begin?
Just like in the states, we use other people, like paper, like something that can be thrown away when we are done. We sleep around, do reckless things without a thought for tomorrow, and luckily our consequences aren't as bad as they could be. But, I've been told that over 80% of American's have an STD. I think then of Africa, the same happens here you know. Kids are still being reckless, drinking and sleeping around, waiting to be convinced that this life has more to offer, but instead of Herpes they exchange HIV. We are all the same, but some have better chances than others.
Right now I am just disappointed. We know that consequences are real, but why doesn't that knowledge change our actions? Knowledge is only power when we use it, otherwise it is just a waste of space.
African countries can be worlds apart, vastly different from one another. I am in a world that disappoints me. Maybe I have glorified Zambia, the people, my friends, but I am in a place right now that speaks too strongly of America, living a life a little less than meaningful, wasting time, gifts, people and I wonder if it is preparation for going home?
The city can be a land of opportunities, it can also be a land where potential goes to waste. People forget to use their imaginations and discover something else than what is offered so freely. Drinking, smoking, television...my mind seems to be shriveling when it cries to be thriving.
When do we decide to live our lives for others? I don't mean to serve others in a glorious way, but living our lives to please others, a life without intention or conviction, a life of desperation. Everything within me is fighting against this idea that my worth is dependant on another person. Why are we so afraid of being alone that we settle for being alone in the midst of people we try to please while our spirits are crushed, crying out for love and acceptance?
This really has nothing to do with Malawi and everything to do with the nature of being human. We need a Savior, someone to tell us that life has a purpose outside of ourselves, outside of everyone around us, and inside the one who is our creator and in that place we will find streams of living water to quench all that is dry and longing in us to find fulfillment.
I want something more from life than this. We are all vulnerable people and we are destroying each other. I think of that quote from a film on HIV/AIDS I watched at WOG before I came out here, the man said, "We have lost our respect for human kind." It was actually something a little longer and maybe more profound than that but when is the hurting going to stop and healing going to begin?
Just like in the states, we use other people, like paper, like something that can be thrown away when we are done. We sleep around, do reckless things without a thought for tomorrow, and luckily our consequences aren't as bad as they could be. But, I've been told that over 80% of American's have an STD. I think then of Africa, the same happens here you know. Kids are still being reckless, drinking and sleeping around, waiting to be convinced that this life has more to offer, but instead of Herpes they exchange HIV. We are all the same, but some have better chances than others.
Right now I am just disappointed. We know that consequences are real, but why doesn't that knowledge change our actions? Knowledge is only power when we use it, otherwise it is just a waste of space.
1.04.2008
Limbo
I am sitting here in Lusaka now, waiting for my flight to Lilongwe, Malawi. I've said goodbye to my family, but only with my mouth, not with my heart. I'm not really sure if I am ready for that right now.
The rains are heavy and ridiculous so I think my flight will be late. We will see how it all goes.
I feel sad, but numb...I cried when little Emmy cried this morning, I didn't know she would be so sad. I felt like I was abandoning her.
Now I must look forward, everything is new, unknown, another adventure awaits around the airplane.
Ten months...it's enough to get your heart hurt, but it isn't enough for much else...time is precious
The rains are heavy and ridiculous so I think my flight will be late. We will see how it all goes.
I feel sad, but numb...I cried when little Emmy cried this morning, I didn't know she would be so sad. I felt like I was abandoning her.
Now I must look forward, everything is new, unknown, another adventure awaits around the airplane.
Ten months...it's enough to get your heart hurt, but it isn't enough for much else...time is precious
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