Megan's Journey to Africa

More on the Daesy

2008-08-28T06:30:00.002+02:00

Some of you may not know that I have started a new blog since I've been home. If you click on my profile you can check it out under With Her Own Wings.

I go to Italy soon...one week to be exact, and I am very excited! :) Make sure to keep in touch!

Today

2008-04-09T21:57:00.003+02:00

Today my mother said she was "getting into a swoop", but she meant to say she was "getting into a slump" I laughed

My mother also looked at me while we were having one of our frequent and funny arguements, she put her hands together and formed them into that typical W-shape meaning "whatever" and placed them on her forehead. "Ummm, Mom, that is what you do for the L-shape, not the W-shape...."

Today I also brought an old guitar into a music shop to get it re-strung and tuned cause I am going to learn how to play and probably become famous...

And, today I am hoping that someone calls me to give me a job, or at least an interview, so phone, go ahead and ring!

Passion

2008-04-06T20:39:00.002+02:00

Passion is a word that I love to be associated with. I think I've always wanted to live a life of passion and when asked I would never stray from that desire, but right now I'm feel a little less than passionate. Today my pastor spoke about Passion, about living big, and I loved it.

Life is meant to be lived you know?! And because right now everything is up in the air I have found myself feeling much more comfortable hiding away under the covers, it's safe there, miserable, but safe.

I've been struggling, feeling a bit depressed, afraid, unavailable, and chaotic in the doldrums of my life, the thoughts in my head.

The message was about David from the Bible. I like hearing about David because I relate to him. He lived his life with passion, he was emotional, he loved, hated, experienced joy unthinkable, sorrow unknown, and yet, he was a man after God's own heart. The last part of this is music to my ears because I think God enjoyed his passion. I'd like to believe that God enjoys mine as well.

Today I am making that choice again, and may have to make it tomorrow and the next day as well to pick myself up, face the world, and not let the chaos and unknown paralyze me. It may not look like I think it should, but this is life, another day of the adventure, and it hit me today that this may actually be a bigger challenge than Zambia. This may be the place now where Faith and Trust are necessary to face the day and believe that God is still good, he is still present, and He has a plan for all of this.

Strange how everything flips around when we aren't watching. and now I am in an old and unfamiliar land that I have never been before, and God is asking me to trust him....

News Flash

2008-04-03T22:22:00.004+02:00

I and my mother just wanted you all to know that my mother is aging very quickly...at an abnormally fast rate

Please be alarmed

She is looking so old that she may say she has serious memory loss
She is looking so old that many still ask if she is my sister
She is looking so old that men will turn their heads to stare as she walks by
She is looking so old that in Zambia they called me FAT in comparison to her and shook their heads at me

There are many other reasons why she is aging very quickly: she always tells people she IS the age she will turn the next year, there is also this thing where she doesn't look like she is 25 which means she is REALLY old...

So please, anyone who knows my mother, please have compassion on her in her old and frail age and do your best to just support and encourage her. Actually, maybe I am the one who needs the support...yeah, I think that might be the best in this current situation we are in. Support me, okay? Because I am having to take care of her in her senility, and it's getting pretty rough...

Listening

2008-03-07T07:14:00.003+02:00

Maybe it's time for me to write a blog entry?

Talking I think is overrated....I've been doing a lot of talking lately, lots of people want to listen to stories and wisdom I've gained and as I talk, hoping that my words will somehow hold a weight beyond myself, I realize exactly that...it is beyond myself, and I would rather just be listening.

I think part of it is an insecurity on my part. I would rather listen to you than have to speak and hope I sound interesting or believe you actually want to hear what I am trying to say. But another new part of it all is the realization that I have really nothing to say that sounds any good to me any more. I am tired of hearing myself try to explain how to effectively meet the needs of my friends in Africa. How do I know? I love Africa, I love my friends and family there....I can tell you about that, I can tell you about my experience and what I saw, but I haven't even begun to process through everything. The realities, the consequences, the solutions...I'm not there yet, and somehow I feel like I am trying to be smarter than I am when I try to answer questions like these.

Am I being lazy? Maybe this is avoidance? I'm just not sure yet. But what I do know is that listening is a pretty good idea. Listening points towards learning, and then maybe something could change or an impact could be made...but really, just listening is good, all on it's own.

I'll be working on Haiku's....this is my first one since i finally looked up the definition of syllables:

weight is too heavy
seemingly words are too light
Echoing canyon

Hours

2008-02-27T13:22:00.002+02:00

I went to bed exhausted around 11:30pm after meeting up with my closest friends last night, I had to party like a young person you know? (imagine me sitting with my elbows on the coffee table, chin resting on my palms to keep my head up, eyes half closed, yawning every 5 minutes or so...that's the kind of party I'm doing these days)

I thought I wouldn't be effected by Jet Lag, but here I am, only 3 hours of sleep and I am wide awake at 3am wondering when everyone else will get up so I can make more noise or have some company...might have to wait a couple more hours for that wish to come true.

I feel like i need to apologize, I have a bad attitude. I've been feeling resistant to coming home, negative about the States. I feel like it is easier for me to say something critical rather than just enjoying my time here, and I'm sorry. I keep thinking of how God wants obedience from us, from me, and I wonder if it is still considered obedience if you complain the whole way?

I'm reading a book called The Lineage of Grace, by Francine Rivers. The book covers the stories of 5 women in the bible and expands on them, it's fiction and pretty light reading, I wanted something light, but I've been feeling convicted while reading the story of Rahab. The Israelites did what they were told for the most part but they complained all the way through the wilderness, even as God continued to meet their every need, they complained. And isn't that why they never got to see the promised land? Complaining is my pride and my lack of faith combined I think. Somehow I think I have a better plan, that God must not know what he's doing, and somehow I've got things a little more figured out...and i know it's wrong, I'm wrong.

My desire is to trust with a faith that is strong and knows whom it has believed, and is convinced that He is able to keep that which I've committed to Him until that day. But I'm finding it difficult to release my plans and desires and just trust...Why is it difficult to believe that as God is love, He won't do anything to harm me but that He has plans to bring hope and a future? He's only been faithful and true so far....I have no reason to believe He would change now

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Noticing

2008-02-26T19:38:00.002+02:00

Im home...in good ole Arizona....its strange to be home but still feel a bit like you're not home really. I mean, this will always be home, my house, my family...but not where I unpack and just relax...not yet at least.

Shorts and t-shirts in the winter, one of the things I noticed when we arrived at the airport, I also was amazed at the width of our street as we were driving to our house, it's massive! Another interesting thing, the toilet bowls here have a LOT of water in them!!! I thought it was overflowing but it wasn't, just "normal". I love how everything smells good at my mom's house, like candles have been burning all the time or something. The house is like a palace to me, not because of it's size, but the shiny tiles, clean walls and high fluffy beds...I'm a princess right now.

Im smelling everything and it all smells so nice! I went to Fry's to get some coffee today, holy choices!!! Do you know how many kinds of Chai Tea there are?????

Remembering

2008-02-26T09:00:00.000+02:00

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Ginny Owen

Pictures

2008-02-16T15:52:00.002+02:00

Lana and I in Venice, my Valentine. Having a typical Italian breakfast, coffee and Pastry...

See all the Gondola's behind me? I was too cheap to ride one, so I thought a picture would do!

a bird is on my head...but it's Italy, so it's okay...

Africans...in Italy

2008-02-13T16:04:00.002+02:00

Italy was not just a random idea, not just a holiday, but an area of opportunity...for lots of things

I've been talking today to the family I am staying with, the Krause's, many of you may know them. They are missionaries out here as well as a couple I used to look up to as a child. It's funny to trade stories together, theirs coming from teenage/adult perspectives and mine coming from the mere 9 year old I was when my father was their teacher. Funny!

They work with many West Africans and are hoping to develop more of a outreach for them here, and that is why I am here (well, and for good gelato and pizza). I've heard a lot, much more to hear and see but I am excited about what they are doing.

I feel like the world is opening up and, although exciting it is a bit daunting. I love the cultures, the languages, the atmospheres. Adventure knocks, has been knocking, and I hope continues to knock at my door, reminding me of the big smallness of this place called earth. I think there is a lot to be prayed about, direction to be received, and faith to be placed in and before God. Continue to pray for my future, for the decisions and my ability to hear God through the excitement of it all.

Rob and Sandy are great and it has been fun to have someone to trade sarcasm with that actually get's it.

Italiano

2008-02-12T22:22:00.000+02:00

Italy is a breath of fresh air. The atmosphere is cool and the wind cuts through my clothes and onto my skin where it leaves a mark with goose bumps, instant energy

We took a late night walk = after 7pm for me (call me grandma from now on)
I was cold
We ate Gelato

(this time that had to be a haiku right?!)

God is basically amazing to have created so much to wonder and marvel at, the world is beautiful!

In Transit

2008-02-12T00:10:00.000+02:00

Here I sit in Dubai...on my way to Italy for a week or so...

I had a great time with the Zak's and found myself amazed at the blessings of God.

On sunday we went to pick up a few people living on the streets, we were going to take them to church so I went with Kevin (the dad) and headed into downtown Pretoria. I was shocked when we arrived at our destination. A full sized matress on the sidewalk surrounded by a short wall created by cardboard boxes made up the house for two small boys running around the cement chasing loose papers and kicking a plastic bottle. They were 5 and 3, mom had left them alone there while she went with her 1 1/2 year old little girl and 2 month old little boy to wash up for the day. I played with the boys while we waited for the mother to return. We were picking up some men as well, two from Kenya, fled the country due to the most recent political strife, one man from Somalia, and another from Ethiopia. They live in the same place and have created their own make-shift family with these children and mother of the four.

I struggled with what my responsibility was as I sat in front of church holding the sleeping little girl in my arms and watching her brothers run in the grass. The smell of her warm hair made me want to snuggle her in my arms forever. They need to be protected.

In church I watched as each of the adults we brought fell asleep and I wanted to cry, not because they were missing a wonderful message, no. I wanted to cry because I felt the exhaustion seeping out of them. I wondered what kind of sleep they got on the streets with four small children. I wondered how often they were able to sit on a cushioned seat in an air-conditioned room and be allowed to stay for a while. I was glad they had the chance to rest even if that was all they received from the service, it might have been just what they needed.

In the evening I went to the church that the Zak's have started in one of the surrounding villages. It was my last night in Africa and a perfect one. The car broke down so we walked the 2.5km to the church. I sang my favorite South African song in the church and felt very at home to be surrounded by local praise music and foreign languages all around me. I appreciate the true african culture and songs and I was missing the African feel to things being surrounded by so many white people...I know whites are part of Africa too, but please understand what I am trying to say. I loved it,the service, the long testimonies, the random singing for the Lord.

We walked home in the dark and I was hand in hand with Gift, a little boy who just had his 6th birthday. It was a sweet time as we walked. He asked his mother questions in Swana. he wanted to know all about the moon, was there only one or a lot of them. Why is it following us? Why is it running away from us? I wanted to hold onto the sweetness in his voice, his small swana speaking... It was a perfect night, don't know if I can really make sense of it as I write.

Lots of thoughts and memories swirling through my head...

Blessings upon blessings

2008-02-07T15:00:00.000+02:00

I am having a great time with the Zak's here in Pretoria. It has been such a great time to de-stress and have some time with God. Even with the 7 children that are at the house it's quiet and I've been able to think.

I have been thinking a lot of the great blessings God has given me, this whole past year - I will cherish it forever...

Breathing

2008-02-05T13:31:00.000+02:00

Its good to get a chance to just relax...I am taking that time now. It's exciting to look toward the future and know that something new is about to come my way. Every stop I have made since leaving Zambia has sparked something inside of me, opportunity.

I went to a true South Africa restaurant yesterday and ate Crocodile and Ostrich along with all sorts of other exotic animals. I tried to just block out their names and try a bit of everything. Funny to think how I didn't touch meat three years ago and now I am back to being Carnivoricious. I'm sorry Sheena if you are reading this...you'd do it too if you were here! :)

I will leave South Africa next Monday I believe, still need to buy a ticket and that is why I don't sound sure of my departure date. I will keep you updated...

I am learning how to see myself beyond other people's views or expectations of me. I am learning how to be comfortable in obscurity and anonymity. I had some difficult meetings this last week, I had to say some difficult things and had to hear some as well. I stretched beyond the immediate. I am trying to remember that life isn't just what is before me...truth isn't either. I am learning to take what I hear with a grain or two of salt and keep on breathing...

South

2008-01-29T11:33:00.000+02:00

There are days when you feel you may not survive if you had to leave the people you were with, and then you do....

Coming back is difficult, strange, un-familiar. Maybe it is just me, maybe I don't want to act, maybe I am out of my comfort zone right now. I really don't like the fact that my year has flown by. I mean, it hasn't flown all the time. There were times when time was just dragging, when I thought the next week, the next day would NEVER come. But, it always did, and its a shame it came so quickly because I would like to have just a bit more of those dragging days.

My mind is full of experiences, fears for the future and trying to process them is a job in itself. I've left my family in Zambia, my friends in Malawi, and now I am back in South and trying to figure out how I fit into this new, yet old, equation.

I couldn't sleep last night, too much swirling through my mind. Will you all promise to be my friends when I get back home? :) I need some good friends, I need some de-compressing time, I need...a massage.

God doesn't change does He? That is a question and a statement depending on how it is read.

I was given the same passage today that I was given the first week I arrived in Africa - Proverbs 3:5&6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto you own understanding, In all your ways, acknowledge him and He will direct your paths... it isn't a mistake, it is still needed today maybe more than ever - walking into the unknown known. It is a strange thing!

weeks

2008-01-25T19:13:00.001+02:00

time flies when you're having fun!

I went to a baby clinic today and fed some of the babies...I kept reminding myself of my father's words, "don't come home with a baby" If I had been working there this whole time I guarantee I would have broken that promise!

I was thinking of how much has changed, how my scenery here is very different. A month ago I was television-less, CD-player-less, computer-less, roommate-less, car-less...my life existed within a square mile radius. Funny how Lilongwe feels like the big city to me...

Last week the water ran out here and Jessie told me there was only enough to wash my face and brush my teeth. I went into the bathroom, filled the trash bucket with water and took a full bath, even washed my hair, and felt like a true African woman! :) I could handle it more than a local from Lilongwe....yeah for small township Zambia! :)

Anyway, just wanted to give a little update. Only two days left in Malawi and I'm again trying to figure out how I can be back within the next two months. we'll see!

Resistance

2008-01-20T20:09:00.000+02:00

I can feel myself fighting the idea of going home
could I somehow make a way to stay here forever?
I like change, but only when I have a bit of an idea of how that change will impact my life
I have no idea what will happen when I get to the States...

I have been working on editing and writing, odd jobs for the project in Malawi and keeping busy with friends, games, dancing, laughing, meeting new people, thinking and wondering about tomorrow

I will de-brief with the project in South Africa in two weeks and I am nervous, strange how things change over the course of time, one would never expect how things will actually turn out.

I could use your prayers right now, I don't want to be running away from things

Faithful

2008-01-09T10:29:00.000+02:00

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

Brooke Fraser

~This has been my theme song for Africa~

Sorry Sorry for Everything

2008-01-07T14:00:00.000+02:00

I MISS ZAMBIA!!!! Matthew, Joe, Naomi, Ba-Paul....sorry, sorry for everything.... :)

African countries can be worlds apart, vastly different from one another. I am in a world that disappoints me. Maybe I have glorified Zambia, the people, my friends, but I am in a place right now that speaks too strongly of America, living a life a little less than meaningful, wasting time, gifts, people and I wonder if it is preparation for going home?

The city can be a land of opportunities, it can also be a land where potential goes to waste. People forget to use their imaginations and discover something else than what is offered so freely. Drinking, smoking, television...my mind seems to be shriveling when it cries to be thriving.

When do we decide to live our lives for others? I don't mean to serve others in a glorious way, but living our lives to please others, a life without intention or conviction, a life of desperation. Everything within me is fighting against this idea that my worth is dependant on another person. Why are we so afraid of being alone that we settle for being alone in the midst of people we try to please while our spirits are crushed, crying out for love and acceptance?

This really has nothing to do with Malawi and everything to do with the nature of being human. We need a Savior, someone to tell us that life has a purpose outside of ourselves, outside of everyone around us, and inside the one who is our creator and in that place we will find streams of living water to quench all that is dry and longing in us to find fulfillment.

I want something more from life than this. We are all vulnerable people and we are destroying each other. I think of that quote from a film on HIV/AIDS I watched at WOG before I came out here, the man said, "We have lost our respect for human kind." It was actually something a little longer and maybe more profound than that but when is the hurting going to stop and healing going to begin?

Just like in the states, we use other people, like paper, like something that can be thrown away when we are done. We sleep around, do reckless things without a thought for tomorrow, and luckily our consequences aren't as bad as they could be. But, I've been told that over 80% of American's have an STD. I think then of Africa, the same happens here you know. Kids are still being reckless, drinking and sleeping around, waiting to be convinced that this life has more to offer, but instead of Herpes they exchange HIV. We are all the same, but some have better chances than others.

Right now I am just disappointed. We know that consequences are real, but why doesn't that knowledge change our actions? Knowledge is only power when we use it, otherwise it is just a waste of space.

Limbo

2008-01-04T14:24:00.000+02:00

I am sitting here in Lusaka now, waiting for my flight to Lilongwe, Malawi. I've said goodbye to my family, but only with my mouth, not with my heart. I'm not really sure if I am ready for that right now.

The rains are heavy and ridiculous so I think my flight will be late. We will see how it all goes.

I feel sad, but numb...I cried when little Emmy cried this morning, I didn't know she would be so sad. I felt like I was abandoning her.

Now I must look forward, everything is new, unknown, another adventure awaits around the airplane.

Ten months...it's enough to get your heart hurt, but it isn't enough for much else...time is precious

Ending

2007-12-31T14:22:00.000+02:00

I cried when I realized that today is the last day of 2007. My tears were mixed with feelings of regret and hope. There were some days when it felt like the end would never come, like I wouldn’t ever make it this far. Now I wish I could go back in time and do some things over, soak it in a little more, appreciate the stress and let the tensions of cross-cultural life settle in as they desired as was inevitable rather than fighting them and letting them overwhelm me. I wish I could have taken some things just a little lighter, others I should have let them hit me harder. We do what we do to survive and sometimes the pain is too much for us to stand. Next time I will be a little less vulnerable, but maybe not. Vulnerability isn’t a choice sometimes.

God has been so good to allow me this opportunity of seeking and pursuing the desires of my heart and I think I have grown more than I can understand.

I don’t really know how to process my leaving Zambia, I want to hold on a little longer but I have heard the word, Go. I wanted it when it came but now I wish I hadn’t heard it or that I could just ignore it.

He said to me “Depart, depart, go out from there! Touch no unclean thing! Come out from it and be pure, you who carry the vessels of the Lord. But you will not go in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard” Isaiah 58:11,12.

When I opened My Utmost for His Highest this morning God affirmed His word to me and gently whispered peace to me, “Megan, for now you need to leave, don’t struggle, don’t fight, just go and I will go before and behind you. I am with you” The Chapter addressed for this last day of 2007 was Isaiah 58 “for ye shall not go out with haste, for the Lord will go before you”.

Yesterday the preacher said the year of 2008 was the year of new beginnings, a year of re-birth and I hold on to this as a word for me. This new year holds hope of better things to come, lessons learned in the past will come to show themselves in this New Year, and I will be different, changed. Today I stood in the kitchen making some treats for tonight and thought, I have to believe that God is able, that his power is supernatural, which means it doesn’t matter who I have been so far, He is still able to do something different in me. It sounds basic but I don’t think it is basic to believe it.

Yesterday
Security for Today. “For ye shall not go out with haste.” As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in the haste of impetuous, unremembering delight, nor with the flight of impulsive thoughtlessness, but with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ.

Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest-

Answers

2007-12-31T13:58:00.000+02:00

God's timing is not my own.
Trust
It's not easy

(Is that a haiku? :)

Trust I think might mean to believe that all things work together for the good of those who love Christ Jesus. So, when something is going in a way that is completely opposite of our desire and heart, we have to have peace knowing that our ways are not God's ways and if He doesn't allow something we can trust that it will still be for our good.

I tried to remember this as we were rushing to make it to immigration an hour away that we were told closed at 1pm. It was 12 and we were delayed leaving early in the morning for some reasons beyond my control. I pushed the gas hard, feeling a little out of control as I knew if I didn't arrive in time I would have to leave Zambia in only a day. I willed the car to perform well, I willed the immigration office to stay open just a minute or so late if we couldn't make it in time. I thought of whether God could bless irrational behavior as I settled myself a bit, we'll make it in time, the speed limit gets us there in an hour, it will be fine. I looked down at the dashboard only to find the temperature of the vehicle outstandingly high. Pulled over. Crying. Desperate...I'm not going to make it in time. This happened before with this car, something was wrong with it and it was overheating. Jacob said to keep driving, just keep it between 60 - 80 kph and it should be fine. It didn't feel fine as water was gurggling and boiling all over but we thought he knew best and got back in. I prayed that car into cool temperatures and felt it was working until all of a sudden the temperature rose again. It was 12:45, I cried some more as two angels walked up, released the water valve to let out the pressure, ran to find a random flower watering can in the middle of nowhere filled with water to fill up our empty water container in the car. We rushed on after 5 minutes to make it, praying all the way, asking for favor...I jumped out of the car, threw the keys to Natalie and ran to the door of the immigration only to find he had just left. I cried again as his secretary told me I could talk to the man next door. Shaking I entered and sat down with a sigh as I handed him my request letter. He sent me down to the next door of a man named Macbeth. Macbeth told me the office was open until 5pm, no worries, just get your ticket, make some copies, and we can handle this for you. Instant relief as I inwardly rebuked myself...isn't God in control?!

All this toil, a chasing after wind.

Money is coming, a place to go on Friday, an extension on my visa...wait patiently for the salvation of the Lord, He will not delay, although it seems that He may tarry, wait for it.

Malawi holds my next destination. I will be there for the next three weeks working with Somebody Cares before I go to South Africa to do my final reporting with them and make my way back to the States. My plans have changed a bit, I need to keep things simple or I get overwhelmed so my hopes for Europe are dwindling, maybe a long lay-over will do for now. I think I need to be home soon, a breaking has begun inside me and I think it necessary to have some support around to hold me.

God answers, He knows what I need even before I ask, he has begun to answer.

Obscurity

2007-12-26T13:55:00.000+02:00

Leaning into the mist...leaning into God...right now it feels the same to me but I have to know from experience that God, although unseen, is dependable.

I leave in 8 days and have no where to go, at least today I don't. If I look ahead of today I feel overwhelmed with plans that I don't know how to make. How do I say goodbye, how do I plan for accommodations in another country, how do I keep my head on straight enough to do all this and finish my projects here in Zambia? Will someone come and take care of these things for me? Puh-leeeease???

I'm stepping into the unknown in literally every area of my life and I feel a little crazy. I don't want to leave Africa, and yet I feel it is time to go, for now at least. I'm crying a lot...not that it is abnormal for me to do so but I am hurting deep in my heart and need to hear from God on some things. Time isn't enough and it feels even shorter now than it has before. Is it possible to make an announcement to all of Zambia?

"My Dear Zambia, Iam leaving you and I want you to know how much it hurts me. I don't want you to forget me. I know it will be impossible for me to forget you. I love you. I have you in my heart, in my blood, in my skin. My life has become rich because of you. I have learnt what it means to live in a new way from you. You hold the smiles that bring joy to my heart, light to my face. Your colors are inspirational to me, your love has been healing to me. You have been my mother, my father, my brother and sister. When you notice that I have gone, know that it isn't because I have forgotten you. I haven't left because I didn't love you.I wish to come again. My children, little ones that call my name from the road, know that I cherish you more than words can express. Your futures weigh on my heart and I pray for hope for you, life and freedom from the cares and hurts you have known prematurely. I love you like a mother. I miss you already and will come back to you soon"

Pray for my heart, for light that exposes the darkness...

Merry

2007-12-26T13:28:00.000+02:00

Merry Christmas!!! Look towards a new year always makes me excited. I love setting goals, thinking of the new things that are ahead to experience and enjoy. I hope you all have felt peace and joy in this season....but I feel like many of you have felt stress and maybe a little bit of pressure from the busy-ness of this season?

Christmas is simple here. Dancing, Singing, Eating if you have food (our kitchen was empty so we didn't feast as my stomach longed to). I took a walk and heard a chorus of smiling children echoing my Christmas greeting, "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, How are You?" A mass of hands waving in the air as I walked further down the road looking back and smiling. I walked to another house that was having a party and danced in front of too many people who enjoyed watching the M'zungu dance. I love dancing so it was fun, but I didn't realize that the song was dedicated to me, which meant I had to dance alone, in front of everyone. The day was mainly uneventful until evening when we got together with Naomi, Joe and Matthew, my favorite people here, and played UNO. We laughed a lot and had a good time. We stayed up till Midnight just to get the fullness out of the day, half-asleep on the couches until we were allowed to go to bed.

We had only arrived back in Zambia on Monday morning from a crazy adventure to Tanzania to see Dar Es Salaam and Zanzibar. We spent over four of our days on buses but made up for it by snorkeling in the Indian Ocean, riding on a boat that looked like a pirate ship, and riding the waves of the ocean as though we were born for the sea kind of life. It's the natural things that are so amazing...the ocean, looking at zebra fish and strange coral things that seemed to be breathing and swallowing salt water...that's the good stuff! :) I ate prawns and rice and drank fresh coconut milk, mangoes sprinkled with Chili, Pineapple slices with chili, fresh papaya...basically it was my kind of heaven. We walked through markets that smelled of fresh cilantro, cucumber and peppers. Spices rose in the air, cinnamon tree bark piled on tables, curry powder, ginger, cardamon pods, cloves...Spices. Another rich world that I feel sorry so many are scared to go explore. It was amazing.

when a heart doesn't know....

2007-12-05T13:36:00.000+02:00

Four more weeks....four more weeks and then I will be quitting Zambia, leaving as though my heart has not been imprinted with its images, touched by it's people.

I used to say that I loved saying goodbye, but that was a lie actually. I love it when it is possible for me to say goodbye, but it rarely is. I hold too many things in my heart for much too long. I am not sure how to feel right now, I want to pull away, but know that my last few weeks will be ruined if I follow my instincts in this matter. No running away, I don't know what the future holds, to run may mean to say goodbye too early.

I think I may not have a home anymore, not now at least. My heart is a nomad. If it were not for the need of a good chiropractor, dentist, and other attention I might decide just to stay and forget this idea of leaving, but, that is only "If".

News:
I am hungry right now, hungry for Indian food I think and I might just go get some after I'm done on the computer. I posted some new pictures that are actually quite old now, but I think you might be happy to see them.

JOY

2007-12-03T10:44:00.000+02:00

First of all, let me apologize for not getting back to you all regularly on Email. With my month away the emails have backed up and for some reason email has been a rare thing to access of late. This may not change too much in this next month or so so I hope that you all can just love me and know that I love you in return, even though I am not responding too much.

So, God has been teaching me about JOY and LOVE. They have been on my heart for a while but I think I need to be reminded of what God does and how we works. In church on Sunday I read through Isaiah 58 during the prayer time and felt so clearly God asking me to stop looking at myself, my weaknesses, my hurts, and to look towards others through Him. I think I can get caught in a place of self-pity, wanting to be understood rather than focusing on understanding. I heard very clearly that I was to turn my eyes to others and the meaning of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" became real. I felt full as I sat there reflecting on what God was saying to me, to give rather than receive is truly the best, but we get so caught up in receiving, so desperate to have our needs met before we can be content rather than do for others what we long for so much in our own selves.

Remember that little saying about JOY we learned when we were young?

Jesus
Others
You

I think it's true. And I have been getting excited about it.

I am also feeling strongly that God has designed me and called me to be a mother. Not just of my own children but of those around me that I seem to attract, specifically young girls. He has called me to be for them what they need, to use my nurturing spirit to give them love. I don't know what this will look like, but I see that this has been a consistent theme of my time here and something that my passions excite at the thought of. I already have a few daughters here in Zambia and I wonder, where will God have me.

Please pray for further direction and discernment as I face my future. I feel like the rest of my time in Africa is up in the air. Zambia is only for sure until the 30th of this month when my Permit expires, January is still unclear, and I will go back to South Africa the first week of February. Still feeling a bit misplaced, but wanting to make the best of the opportunities I have.

God has blessed me with Natalie. I find that I have motivation when I have someone beside me. I crave the presence of another, it is the way God created me. I am a relational being. I don't need to do everything with someone, but I need to have someone around, to know that I am not alone. I'm enjoying the girl talks, the dance parties, and just having someone else in the house. Thank you Lord for every good and perfect gift!

Up and then down

2007-11-30T15:20:00.000+02:00

So much has happened since I arrived back home in Roan. I can't begin to explain the range of emotions flowing through me, fear, insecurity, sadness, and a bit of defeat...please pray for me that I would have an open heart for all that lies ahead of me. A forgiving heart for all that lies behind, and a hopeful heart to see God is in control from the beginning to the end.

A new girl from Footprints has joined me in my house today, her name is Natalie. She is young and fun and I truly pray that we will have a great time together during the month and a bit we are together before I make my journey homeward. It feels as though things are ending quickly and I don't like it. I have been alone here in Roan for so long and now there is someone new, and I feel as though my time here is coming to conclusion. I know everyone back home is eager to have me home but I feel a heaviness in my heart. I don't want it to feel good to go home, but I almost feel pushed out, you know, like when a younger person comes in to head the company you have been working for for a million years, like where is my place? I feel things too deeply, make them bigger than needed at times, just bear with me. But, there are things flowing through me that have brought me to a bad place. The enemy only desires to kill and destroy, and I can see how he desires to stain the end of my time here in Zambia and I am in a war to fight the lies, the feelings, and hold on to the Truth of God and be real. There is a wound inside of me, a deep one, and from time to time I see clearly as though I am looking at it in the mirror, and I am surprised that I am still protesting, that it hasn't been healed yet. I wanted God to change me, to rid me of all the ugliness in me. I hoped I would be perfected while here in Zambia :) silly maybe, but I had a hope that it would happen. Sadly, I am still a flawed human being, needing to reach out to her Savior for a refuge. Just pray for me, that I would be filled with Love and not anger or fear.

News:
I have had one serious proposal since I have been back in Roan, marriage was due to occur next July, all without my acceptance or belief that it was in earnest. We have settled on just being friends :) Funny adventures.

Mom said you wanted to know what I did for Thanksgiving...it was a funny day actually. I forget about the American holiday's until mom reminds me that this is Christmas time or something like that. It is hot here, no decorations, no one to remind me that a day is approaching that has significance somewhere...I am disconnected to these days here in Africa. But, I wanted to do something, so I decided to make Pumpkin pie from scratch. Mom sent alone a recipe with JR but when I was at the grocery store I forgot what a pumpkin looked like, so I bought a oval green one. I realized my mistake once returning home but heard from a friend that Butternut squash works well, so I used that instead. About 30 minutes into my baking the electricity went out in the house so I decided to keep the pie in the oven and let it go until the electricity came back. I was happy and relieved to find the pie was fully cooked and delicious in the end.

The day after thanksgiving my friends in Masaiti, a neighboring area, invited me over for real thanksgiving dinner, but when we arrived at their place we found their electricity had been out for over half the day. We waited to see if it would come back and then by 7pm decided that we would exchange our roasted chicken for a nice Indian dinner at our one and only restaurant in town. It was fun, spicy, and typical for Africa. We did get together again on Sunday and had our roasted chicken, green bean casserole made with only real onions, not those canned ones, and mashed potatoes made with soured milk, a result of the lost electricity. Nothing was wasted, all was delicious and appreciated, especially the pumpkin pie for dessert. :)

Back Home

2007-11-15T15:43:00.000+02:00

I think for the first time in my life a small town isn't scaring me, but bringing peace. I have missed Zambia and when I think of leaving my family here I begin to feel heartsick. My journey home was an adventure to say the least. I did in fact travel with people I sorta knew, so I wasn't being reckless or unsafe, but the journey was still quite the experience.

Brooke dropped me off at the Zimbabwean border where a man named Farai picked me up and took me to Mutari while trying to convince me to have a white wedding with him. I met the family of the Zambian girl who just was married at the train station in Mutari and waited for the overnight train to set off. We booked a sleeper car but it should have been called a freezing cold bruiser car. The window wouldn't go up so we were blasted with cold air the whole night. They don't provide blankets or anything and I didn't know I needed any so...I froze. The beds were hard and uncomfortable. I think I have bruises from the bed. Couldn't even think of using the toilet it was so disgusting...I suffered... :)

We arrived in Harare early in the morning and took a taxi to the bus station where we boarded a 10 hour bus from harare to Lusaka, in Zambia. By this time I beginning to feel sick and not looking forward to the long journey but we made it without too many strange things happening except for a very suspicious sausage that against my better judgement I had a bit of....this may have been a leading contributor to my sour stomach for the next few days up to today.

Okay, so I am home, and feeling good about the next few weeks. I may only be in Zambia for 6 more weeks until I will be leaving, going back to Malawi for a bit before I make my journey home. I plan to go back to South Africa in February to do my de-briefing and then homeward bound.

I just lost all of my writing juices so I will write more later when I get a chance. Thanks to all for the prayers for my time...it was really wonderfuL!

Where in the world is the African Daesy???

2007-11-09T16:29:00.000+02:00

...Mozambique...

Another country, another experience, another world. Mozambique is very different from Zambia and Malawi...to me it is South American, but they are African. The language spoken here is Portuguese so I understand a whole lot more than usual and I want to speak in Spanish everywhere I go.

I am here visiting my friend Brooke at another Hands@Work location. Brooke is amazing to me in all that she is doing and I have to fight those critical thoughts that bring me to wishing I could have done more of what she is doing. Since the moment I arrived we have been busy. Planning for a Zambian wedding in Mozambique is quite the adventure. Brooke's current roommate is Zambian and is marrying a guy from here and is in the wedding, so I have been part of that drama a bit. Plus Brooke still has her daily work. Monday she goes to the Hospital and prays for patients, Tuesday we went out on Home Based Care where I served as pharmacist and loved it. You know, I would really love to be a nurse...if that whole problem of blacking out whenever someone gets hurt would just go away I think I would be a great nurse! :) But she is wonderful and does her work well. I couldn't help but admire her and feel very happy to dole out the meds to everyone.

Is "Dole" a word?? Hmmmm...

Anyway, Wednesday was our "day off" so we first took a walk to a little water fall on the land of the mission and hiked our way around it. Through a mango orchard and into the bush, it was a beautiful and surreal walk through Africa. I saw a very vibrant green skinny snake bounce ahead of us and felt death approaching. I hate snakes! Once we got to the falls we were overwhelmed with the high pitched noise of the bugs around the water. I am not very excited about the massive number of bugs that inhabit Mozambique...its grossing me out! After the falls we went to the baby clinic and another health clinic and then to "art practice". I wasn't too thrilled with the teachers assignment for me so I escaped outside and worked on some tile pieces. Then we went to another village in the bush where Brooke had been asked to talk at the church. After she spoke the community said they wanted to hear whether my voice was high or low and asked me to speak to them. I continued on with her encouragement briefly and was happy that I was able to speak a bit to them.

Thursday we went out on Home Based Care again and then into town for a glorious lunch of pizza (which I haven't had a decent slice in over 4 months). We did a little shopping and then drove home in time for Brooke to attend yet another dance practice for the wedding. Friday was a great day in the bush, hiking up and down the hillsides of Mozambique which should more appropriately be called massive ant hills. We were treated to a snack of unripened litchi's and banana's...it was glorious. We ate lunch with the volunteers, beans and rice, and I enjoyed that thoroughly as well. Saturday was the wedding and a very busy day.

Anyone who prays for a dry wedding should re-consider...The wedding was pretty, and dry, but the reception was the highlight of the day. It poured! We all sat eating under a cloth tent and as it began to rain we were refreshed with the mist that made it's way through the cloth. But as the rain continued and the cloth became soaked the water came pouring in. My paper plate was now flattened to the table, my food a little more watery than when it came, I was completely soaked...we all were. And yet, we all just sat there smiling, still eating our food calmly. We put drank our Coke from glass bottles and let the rain hit our faces. It should have been a commercial. It was great!

Tony

2007-11-06T22:40:00.000+02:00

Zimbabwe is actually quite surprising. The airport itself was luxury - clean, big...toilet paper! I walked up a marble staircase as I entered the airport. The place was empty except for our little plan that just arrived. On the flight I felt like I was in another world, vertigo perhaps? I felt weightless and dizzy.

This is a different place altogether; it's beautiful. The houses are big and beautiful as we drive out of Harare, but maybe that is to be expected of the capital city? It's sunday so I see lots of white robed people walking and groups of them sitting in the grass listening to the one who stands.

Lots of dark wood trees with vibrant green leaves, my favorite combination. Big rock structures randomly placed by God in the middle of fields and forest areas bring delight to my eyes. I love everything I see. The thatching of roofs in Africa must come from this place. Even the round mud huts here have glorious roofs!

Tony is a white Zimbabwean. He drives a flashy red sports car and smokes. My head presses against the roof of his car as he drives. His eyes are gorgeous blue and he speaks a big effeminately. He says that Zimbabwe is all about connections now. The political strife has caused the people to join together and rise in resilience.

Resilient...that is the word those on my flight used to describe themselves as we rode on the bus from the plane to the airport. Each of them carrying bags of flour, rice, and one lady with a cool box full of meat. They've decided to fight, to thrive regardless of their struggles, regardless of their leader. I admire them.

They have rock gardens here, filled with rock statues, beautiful, smooth figures protruding from rough stone roots. Shirtless men sit, sweating, forming, chiseling, polishing, creating. The richness and effort invigorates me.

Tony was mugged last night. He has a nice sized cut on his head and a bruised face. The guys punched him repeatedly until he went down and then took his cash.

Land of contrasts, Oh Africa, you contradict yourself. I see now that the dark wood bark is actually burnt wood bark. The tree survives with it's rich green, chooses to thrive.

a day in Malawi

2007-11-06T22:29:00.000+02:00

A wagon rolls by, two cows yoked as a man whips them, spurring them to go faster. Pigs graze to my left, to my right a tree serving as a parking lot for bicycles enjoying it's shade. In front of me i see we are gathered under a shelter made with wooden poles and covered with grass straw. The leaders of the community are facing me, chiefs, coordinators.... They're here as a community to move forward, to make decisions together...as a family. Babies sucking at their mother's breast are uninterested, children look at me, the azungu, expectantly. Teens are here, young adults, parents, and gogo's. Women and children sitting in front in typical "L" shape, men in the back, to my surprise, sitting with their arms wrapped around their knees. The wind blows softly through the leaves of the talking trees. Behind me a child pumps water from the borehole for another child needing a drink.

Toothless

2007-11-06T22:18:00.000+02:00

She climbed into the back of the bus, bench nearest the front seat.

"You can see how clean my feet are 'cause now I have soap"

She lifts up her foot, well worn flip flop in hand so as to clear the way for us to see as she sits, showing the proof of her words. She smiles a big toothless smile. They call her Fatty.

Malawi...Zimbabwe, and on to Mozambique

2007-11-03T16:47:00.000+02:00

Malawi was amazing! IN the three weeks I was there I was able to grow a fast attachment to the country and people. It was really the last week that I was able to go into the communities and see things as they normally are and I loved it. Malawi has such a rich culture.

Every day this past week I went into the bush and took pictures of the communities. We drove through the dirt roads and then sat in the midst of blowing red dirt. My baths in the evening left an outstanding red ring on the tub and stained my white wash cloth pink from the layers of dirt being washed off. It was refreshing. Being dirty for a purpose is always great. Now Christine can you see the significance of my love of dirt as a child?! Dirt has just been a part of me, I am one with the earth :)

I was sad leaving Malawi but really believe that I will go back in January for a while. ON my journey to Mozambique a necessary pit stop in Zimbabwe was in order so here I sit in Harare, Zimbabwe, preparing to leave by car with a man named Tony for the boarder of Mozambique.

I am trying to visualize the faces of Karl and Ruth as they read this...a man named Tony???What did we tell her about this trip?! But rest assured, Tony is a friend of a friend of a friend. The life of adventure is the one for me, but I am missing Zambia and my friends there, looking forward to getting back with them.

Just a quick update, hope all is well! Love!

Greener

2007-10-28T14:46:00.000+02:00

I was surrounded by many wise men and women these past two weeks as I have been in Malawi joining Word of Grace on a mission trip. I loved every single one of the members who came on the trip and was encouraged so much. God is good!

JR was funny with his new best friend Gary. They were the construction team and also the comedic relief for the mixture of many very serious conversations.

JR shared something with me that Gary told him that has stuck in my mind since.

"Most people think the grass is greener on the other side, but really, the grass is greener where you water it"

Simple right? But its big actually, especially for me. I have opperated out of fear for much of my life. I think I live against fear only to succumb to bigger fears. Let me see if I can explain this. I have always said that I wouldn't let fear hold me back from anything, but I am coming to see that it is also fear that keeps me moving. THis fear is one of becoming stagnant, of living a dull and lifeless existence in Arizona, of becoming like my father, my mother....the list goes on. So you may look at me and see a woman who is Courageous and who looks fear in the face as I move from country to country in Africa all by myself...but there is more to me than just these things. Motivation counts for a lot actually.

What does it mean to be content? Could I sit at the feet of Jesus and be? I move, I run, I escape. I stay for as long as it is safe to my heart, to stay protected, and I run when I fear things may become too...I don't know what...too normal maybe.

This may be a lifelong struggle for me, but my desire is to hear God's voice above the voices of fear in my head that rob me of peace and rest.

He wispers to me gently, Peace, Be Still...and in my doubt I struggle and debate to know if it was really Him to wispered these things to me...and I run, again.

I think I would like to start watering my grass where I am, to learn how to rest, to find my contentment in God, to find the value of my days when I look into the face of my Savior.

This is big for me, really big, and I hope that you would pray for me in this, it makes the difference between life and death for my future, living in freedom or fear.

Love to all and peace that passes all understanding.

P.S. MY parents are great, okay?! :)

Prayer of a child

2007-10-19T00:12:00.000+02:00

"Dear God, I don't have the strength to walk alone, so please give me your strength and walk with me"

Moses, 7 years old, HIV positive, Malawi

Adventures on a Bus

2007-10-12T14:34:00.000+02:00

I was warned about taking the bus, but as the typical Megan usual does, I went with my plans rather than warnings of others. You know, you hear different things all around, so who are you supposed to listen to?

I left Luanshya at 6am to be at the station leaving at 7:20am. I then traveled to Lusaka on bus, 4 hours and stopping only once for the toilet to find masses of women waiting in lines to get some relief. I avoided drinking water as I knew it would be trouble for me. The stench was overwhelming and the task difficult. Hold onto purse, lift trousers up from floor to avoid soakage, squat over disgusting toilet, hold nose from breathing in, then try to focus on what you are trying to do....it is exciting to say the least.

The man sitting next to me was a Christian and asked a lot of questions about God, why the middle east was at war, all sorts of things that I didn't have answers for. I am finding it a bit empowering to have my answer be "I don't know"...cause I don't, I don't' have the answers for everything. I mean, I know I look like a person who should, but surprisingly, I don't :)

I arrived in Lusaka at 11:45 and my next bus was to leave at Noon. There was a man there who had booked my ticket for me so I met up with him, paid him, and went to wait for my bus. Swarms of Caponias (vendors and sweet talkers) surrounded me asking to take my bags for only a mear K20,000 which is absolutely ridiculous. I enjoy being more of a local and understanding when someone is trying to rip me off. I fought with the guys and found a nice girl there who helped me with my bags. Finding a seat was a chore when the bus arrived. My only view was of a two seat bench, already taken by a mother with two small children offering me the other seat that my elbow might not even squeeze into. I felt like crying, getting that hot feeling in my eyes as I walked back to the front of the bus to tell my new friend that it was impossible. A man heard me and offered me a seat at the front that he had his bag in. It was a huge blessing!

The bus ended up leaving at 2pm, so much for rushing, and after 30 minutes was pulled over by the police. Threatened to make us turn back they had to pay off the police to let us continue. The issue was a big one. Our 60 passenger bus was filled to the top inside. There was no aisle in which to walk but only a jungle gym of sorts to crawl your way through. bags were everywhere and I was sure if there was an accident it would be almost impossible for us to get out of the bus.

I hoped to read or write during the ride but this was no luxury bus, it was a lucky to have a seat for the entire ride type of bus. During this 10 trek to the border we stopped once, yes, ONCE. The ladies all ran for the toilet and found a cement structure with a piece of wood in front of the door opening to squeeze through to get inside. Mosquitoes swarmed over the steamy troughs in the floor and women found any spot they could to relieve themselves. No privacy, not a time for modesty, just a time to get things done. It was disgusting and a bit embarrassing to have a crowded room full of half-clothed women. One of the women looked at me and said, "after your done just forget about this." somehow I think we expect because this is normal for most African toilets that they must be okay with it, but I don't think anyone could enjoy that...they endure it because that is the only option. I personally would rather go behind a bush.

Upon getting back into the bus I noticed a small roach on my seat, I brushed it off and became aware of a swarm of roaches crawling through the bench in front of me. Time to practice mind over matter I tried to block it out and be okay, heck, everyone else had to be so why not me! I couldn't get it out of my head though, stamping my feet randomly on the floor and batting at anything that brushed against me I was a paranoid girl for the rest of the journey.

I drifted off to sleep after the border and woke to find we were in Lilongwe. It looked to me like the streets of Guatemala so I liked it right away. I only made this quick observation and drifted back to sleep. My bed was to be my bus seat for the rest of the evening since I arrived around 2:30 in the morning. Most of the passengers did the same so we all slept in our seats parked at the bus station. One man was snoring loudly. I was woken around 4:30am to a bright light and music coming from the bus. Time to off-load so they could clean and prepare for the next trip. I sat shivering on the cement steps of the station with the other ladies. The only white girl around as usual. I was exhausted. I had no SIM card to phone in Malawi so I had to wait for the stores to open to tell my ride that I was there. Around 5:30 one of the ladies escorted me to the corner and pointed where I could get a SIM card. I trekked down the block, rolling my suitcase behind me, trying not to notice all the attention pointed towards me as I walked. I came to Malawi with 500 Malawian Kwacha. The SIM card was 400 Kwacha and the smalled amount of talk time available was 70 Kwacha. It was enough for me to send a text message so I did. with only 30 kwacha to my name I sat at the Gas station and hoped that my ride would be able to find me well.

When I was picked up I was told that I slept and walked through the most dangerous area in all of Lilongwe. Good times! :) Ignorance truly is bliss I must say. I felt like a hero, empowered by God's protection and blessings.

Arriving at the guesthouse after 24 hours of bus rides felt like stepping into paradise. My body was so exhausted, dirty, and hungry without a meal all day as well. I welcomed the early continental breakfast and then took a bath, the first luxury bath I've had in almost 8 months. I felt spoiled. It is truly amazing that hot water still comes from taps in parts of this world. I wish it came out of my taps at home! I soaked, my aim to rid my body of the deep dirt that covered my body. I scrubbed three months of Zambian dirt of my feet, and felt truly clean for the first time in a LONG time.

I am happy to be here, looking forward to seeing JR, Karl, Theresa, and being part of Malawi for some time.

I planned on taking another bus to Mozambique once I leave...I am re-thinking that idea :)

Does she DO anything out there???

2007-10-02T11:11:00.000+02:00

"After every time of exaltation we are brought down with a sudden rush into things as they are where it is neither beautiful nor poetic nor thrilling"

I felt this quote fit perfectly for what I wanted to tell you all about today. I know that I don't write much about my "JOB" and that is probably because it isn't very interesting to me. The things of Africa that grow me and stretch me have nothing to do with my responsibilities here but rather my daily interactions with my spirit and self living in Africa, a place altogether different from what I have known. But I understand it is necessary to explain what I am doing during my time other than existing.

Currently my responsibilities are Administrative in nature. I am stuck in the office to be specific. The plans for me doing training have not come to fruition and I am training in a very different way. We were able to get an Internet connection for the office which is a huge and amazing thing for small town Roan. We may be the only Internet connection around the entire township. So I have taken on the task of teaching the staff at the office how to use a computer, how to access Internet, how to connect with their funders, and shortcuts for everything in between. It feels a bit elementary to me because I have been on the computer since grade 7, but here, adults have never even used a computer before. In the midst of my teachings I am also applying for funding for the projects. I have submitted three major funding proposals to a project in Canada called WOW to provide some of our community schools with uniforms for the kids, paper to write on and soap to use at home. Again, these things may sound very small to you, but here, the impact is major. These kids are mostly orphans, only having one outfit in their possession, and struggling to go to school using scrap paper we would just throw away. This is what they have to use. So these funds will empower the children to feel a bit more "normal" to get to change when they go home, to have a distinction between home and school, to have paper and pencils to write with, to have the opportunity to bathe with soap for a while. It is great. I've been able to go and see a couple of the community schools out in the Bush and it was so helpful for me to see the kids that will be benefiting from these funds and understand a bit more of the impact that will be made.

You know, I wanted to escape the office in America and I find myself in the office, even in Africa. It isn't always fun, and I don't always feel good when I go home. I often wonder what I am doing here, whether I should be ashamed of my days. But, I was reminded this morning in my devotions that we aren't always on the Mountain tops. Most of life takes place in the valley, regardless of where you live or what you are doing. It is life. Many times I wonder if the amazing things I hear about happening in Africa came from an agenda to make those things happen. To come for a short while I could come with an agenda and do something spectacular. But, I am staying, and seeing life continue as it did before the spectacular occured, and it is the valley. I don't know if this makes sense, but I hope that it does.

Bugs and Bats

2007-10-02T10:58:00.000+02:00

The first rain brought with it a swarm of flies. It was the first plague I have ever experienced and I pray it will never happen again. I told God that if it was to continue that I wanted to go home...immediately. Fortunately the bugs were only staying for a day. But the next night something in my spirit wasn't allowing me to sleep, I'm still not sure what was going on but I woke to the sound of wings in the night. As I slowly became more conscious of my surroundings I realized something was flying in my room. I opened my eyes to see something gross and black crawling up my mosquito net toward my unfortunate hole at the top, aiming to do serious harm to me I was sure. I crouched as low as I could to my bed as I slowly pulled out the net from being tucked and crawled on the floor to the light switch. I switched on the light and this motion drove the creature to a maniac state where it began to swoop and sway around my room. It was a BAT...UGH...I screamed and crouched down on the floor to avoid the blood sucking power of this disgusting creature...I rescued my pillow, crawled out of the room locking the door. Then I slept on the couch. It was quite the adventure and very unsettling. I asked Joe the next day to survey my house and kill any swooping creatures that meant me harm. He went over with a big bamboo stick but the bat was no where to be found, thank goodness!

Growing Older

2007-09-28T14:50:00.000+02:00

So, I passed up another year in my life...I am now a big 25 years old and feeling as though I might be growing younger. Oh, and when I say "passed up" that is actually not correct, because I am embracing each moment given to me. So, passed up really just means, I am passing up the number 24 for the new number 25. Now who thought I would be 25, single, and living in AFRICA??? Not me.

Can I say a humongous THANK YOU to everyone for the overflow of cards and gifts passed through my parents for my birthday?! I was overwhelmed with gratitude and unworthiness as I opened, one after another, encouraging cards, letters, and even gifts from people I have never met but now love more than I could ever understand. There is something irresistible about love unwarrented.

Having mom and dad here was good and bad. Good in that I was able to get all the loving I wanted. Bad in that I didn't know how to absorb it all. I broke actually with their arrival. To transition from self-reliance, to have the availability of two loving parents...I could function, I didn't know how to adjust. I struggled BIG TIME with having them here. My anxieties rose, my emotions from the past three months that never truly had an opportunity to just flow, they flowed like a mighty river. Daily I was a mess, a failure, a crazy woman. Thoughts of the future are too much for me right now. I have decided that I have to just settle the future in my mind and not address it again until it is my today.

I love my parents, and bawled like a baby when I said goodbye to them. We enjoyed each other more when we were away from Roan. There just isn't much in my small house and township to keep two restless adults busy with. They were challenged in ways I probably don't even know. They walked into something with only a daughter who doesn't much enjoy explaining everything to depend on. I am the type that likes to let people jump in...and I think I forced them to do the same. They took my moods graciously, still let me put my head on their shoulder while I was grouchy and touchy. They still loved me, still told me they were proud of me, even as I aired my failures freely through my sobs, they still held me, encouraged me, were proud of me. They think I am a success...I can't even understand.

It is good to be back in Roan. I struggled being away from my small town Africa. I have been seeing a lot of the learning that is unconsciously happening in me. I see Africa in a different way, the struggle in me continues. Wanting to be around equality, wanting to be free of poverty, free of the realities of their being an otherness in the world that I am responsible for. And yet when I have an opportunity, like going to the tourist trap livingstone, I can't ignore Africa still, I can't run away from knowing the reality of the lives of the people I am surrounded by. But much of africa is fake, you can go and come home bragging on being in Africa and understand maybe even less about Africa than when you came.

I am still processing a lot, but in my much older and wiser mind, I am sure I will figure it all out...right? :)

Love and Peace to you all, and again, another thank you for making my birthday a success, I felt loved.

Childlike Wonder

2007-09-10T13:48:00.000+02:00

I was just standing in the doorway of our office looking out onto the African land before me, a breeze comes through the doorway and makes it the most enjoyable place to be when I'm at the project. A girl around 6 years old was walking home from school in her little uniform. I watched her as she walked confidently, all alone - the only human in the scene in front of me. She walked and then all of a sudden threw down the stick she was carrying, got down on her hands and knees in the grass and began crawling around looking at something that caught her attention. She got up almost as quickly as she knelt down and went on her way, walking backwards, then turning around and running with her arms spread like a bird. I watched her until I couldn't see her anymore and felt refreshed. Oh the wonder of a child!

Becoming African

2007-09-10T12:55:00.000+02:00

I love the styles here in Africa and am confident I will be bringing them home with me. This picture is of myself and our project Director, Margaret.

Last night Naomi and I walked to section 9 to bring some material to a girl who is sewing me and African suit. It should be awesome! On our way home we bought some of the most delicious popcorn ever, you have to go to Section 9 to get it. Freshly popped so it is hot, with salt and that fabulous taste...we walked home in the dark. I love walking in Africa! Especially while eating popcorn :)

You can see now, but will you believe???

2007-09-07T10:51:00.000+02:00

I have a picture of my new/old hair on my flickr account...enjoy! Isn't this what you've all been waiting for??? :)

Birthday

2007-09-05T14:54:00.000+02:00

So today is our program coordinators birthday, so I baked her lemon bars in her honor...while they were in the oven I remembered she wouldn't be at work, but I brought them anyways. We sat down for lunch which consisted of my bars and two little buns. When we set the table I started singing, "happy birthday dear margaret, Happy birthday to you."

Annie told me I was a bad daughter since margaret wasn't here to enjoy her birthday lunch. Then we all sat down to eat :)

Rats

2007-09-04T15:32:00.001+02:00

The Bemba's and the Chewa's here in Zambia used to be at war...now they are at peace. Or so everyone thinks. But I work with them, and I know better! Daily these two tribes taunt one another, the winning tribe, the Bemba's, forcing submission from the Chewa's. It is actually really funny to see.

We have rats in our building. The Eastern province tribes, like the Chewa's eat bush Rats, so we have been joking all day about catching the rats and feeding them to the Chewa's. It should be an interesting morning tomorrow as we will see the fruits of that labor! :) I just took a picture of our most recent kill. I am feeling a little sad actually. A mamma with three of her babies. Boo.... I guess I can't really love rats right? I will post pictures as soon as the cord my father sent arrives.

I was told today that ground mail can take up to 3 months. I may not be able to post pictures until I return back to America if that is true!

Anyway, having a fun day at the office today! We were able to get internet set up here in the office. Tomorrow I am giving internet lessons! :)

When you need a toilet, you just need one!

2007-09-01T13:05:00.000+02:00

I am having a difficult time paying attention right now to what I am writing because I have to go to the bathroom REALLY bad...but I know that trying to find a decent toilet in town is almost impossible so I am going to suffer through this for another hour or so and try not to embarrass myself and my friends with me. It didn't help matters to read the email that Georgetta just sent about ladies toilets...I should write an African version of the same email! Think about finding only a toilet that is a hole in the ground with a broken door and many armed men around you who want to use the same toilet....no where to hang the purse, no toilet paper cause why would there be, and having to stand up just to make sure no one barges in on the awkward situation....then no running water, only hand sanitizer....I could go on about the experiences here but I probably shouldn't cause it is actually only making me notice more my need to find a toilet.

On Thursday night we had a grand adventure! We took the mini-bus into town and ordered some food at the only restaurant here in town, lucky for me it is Indian food and I love Indian food. We ordered take away and then did some emailing, but only half the time at the cafe did the email actually work. We went back to the restaurant after we were finished, about a half hour after they said the food would be ready only to find the owner very upset with us because he closed his store almost 45 minutes before we arrived. When we paid the total was K69,000. We gave him K80,000 and we waited for our change. He looked at us with intention as he counted our money back...well, he didn't count our money back, he kept saying K69,000 and, and...and holding onto our change as though he wasn't going to give it back, as though he was going to charge us extra for his time. It was strange, very bold on his part, but I suggested that we just give him the K10,000 that he was very hesitant to give back to us. So we left him with the tip and ran to the station to catch the last mini-bus that would take us to our home. We arrived home to find that the power was out as it usually is on Thursday nights. We lit a couple candles and placed them in the only candle holders I have...empty water bottles. We made a table out of the floor since I don't have a table in my house and we ate by candlelight in true Indian style on the floor. It was great, we joked around and enjoyed the most delicious food I have had in a VERY long time. Naomi and Joe came over and I shared my dish with them, tricking Joe into eating a very HOT bit of something that came with the food. It was a good time. a bit later Jacob and Annie came over as well so the 7 of us sat in my candle lit sitting room and talked. It felt wonderful, natural and it was a lot of fun. After our visitors left we stayed up late and played cards. It has been so good to have friends in the house and to have a touch of something a little normal. I keep reminding myself that these gifts are from my Father who loves me.

I made Banana bread last night but you could more correctly refer to it as a lump of charcoal! It is a process to figure out the stove that I am using...nothing has turned out so far. I tried to make another batch this morning after I made a silly move and woke up at 5am to put out the trash for the trash collector that I was told comes early in the morning. I couldn't go back to sleep so I made another loaf that turned out a bit better but the top is still burnt a little. The trash men didn't come until 10am...Africa does not know Early!

Friends are a good thing to have

2007-08-30T18:17:00.000+02:00

Brooker and Paula are here and it is so good to have them! It is great to have someone to laugh with about jokes from South Africa! God is good to have blessed me with them!

Please pray that our time together would be sweet, that we would have fun, have time for some good and deeply needed talks, and that we would all be encouraged by one another.

Brooker made muffins today, that means I love her just a little bit more today than I did yesterday! :)

Ruthless Trust

2007-08-29T17:11:00.000+02:00

I am learning (Ndesambilila) what this is, Trust....I am reading a book that I started over a year ago and then put down unfinished. You know how that goes, God begins something in you, you seek Him until you feel better and then drop the subject without finding healing or a true answer. We are so fickle with God, I wonder how He continues to love us through it all?! So this book, by my favorite author Brennan Manning...I am in pursuit of God, learning to trust His love for me. I really want it to soak in, to be real to me.

I started working this week... I went out on Home Based Care on Monday morning. The project here only goes out in the field twice a week and only for half days on those two days. It is a strange feeling because this is a small area and the people we are visiting are actually my neighbors. There is something comforting about going and helping people that are a bit distant from you. You can go home and convince yourself that it might have all been another world...but here, it is my backyard. I am a little ashamed to say it, but I need to be honest. It is more of a challenge to see your heart, your compassion, when you can't escape as most of us want to do, but we have to face the pain every day. What do I do? What can I give? I was challenged in a big way to evaluate my heart and commitment.

One of the women I actually met on the mini-bus last week. Valerie and Cath were talking to her son and as we got off the bus we saw him help this woman out as she was disabled and needed a wheelchair. I greeted her, Mulishani? and she asked me who I was and what I did. In meeting her I found that she was a client of ours. We went to visit her on Monday and I learned that she is quite the woman. She is actually prostituting herself out, even in her condition. She sells the medications that are given to her...and her children suffer the consequences, the stigma's. She is HIV + but won't admit it although it is written all over her scarred face. I wonder what brings people to this place? How can men knowingly sleep with her? Pay her to infect them with death? It just doesn't make sense!

There is a new dynamic at work here since the men and women are still married, still alive. I sat in a sitting room with a couple, both infected, only enough money for one of them to be on ARV's. I wondered how they decided the husband should be the one to be treated or if there was a conversation at all. She felt hopeless and we read scriptures. I tried to see her face, to see if it was an encouragement or a slap in the face. Where is God when someone is dying, where is God when you have missed out on the selection and the man who infected you is getting a chance at life? There is a need for something big, for the love of God to be so evident this woman can hold onto it for hope, for life. We all need something to live for!

I have one true bodyguard here in Zambia, her name is knowledge and she takes the form of a small black dog. She has fleas and ticks, but she loves me. She sits on my doorstep throughout most of the day and sleep there at night. When I go somewhere she comes along with. I go to the market, knowledge comes along. Sometimes I don't even realize she is there because she hides in the shadows of my feet. She is tricky. I don't even know who's dog she is truly, mine I guess. She came with me to work on Monday, she and two of Jacob and Annie's dogs. I'm not mean enough to convince them to go home when I say "Go". they just look at me with pleading eyes and when I sigh and go on, they come along. :) Another reason for the locals to laugh at the crazy white girl!

My parents are coming out here in less than a month and I can barely contain my excitement...I am ready to see them, to talk too much to them, to have them close to me.

Mazungu

2007-08-23T12:35:00.000+02:00

I'm a white girl living in an African world! the children yell Mazungu, mazungu as I walk past in my Zambian attire...my skin keeps me from being anonymous in this small world I am now living in. Mazungu means white person...I try to see it as an endearing term rather than a racial comment. It isn't like calling me something horrible, just a term for my kind...the whiteys!

Today the water will be off for most of the day and tonight is the night for 2 hours of no electricity. I am learning the schedule now, but the water is a new difficulty. You don't realize how much water you use until you don't have any!

Valerie Long, a friend from the Gathering, is here visiting for a couple of days with her friend Cath from Kenya, it is good to see another familiar face. God has been blessing me with friends all around, never a lack actually and I am blessed to see his hand of protection over my heart and life. I am looking forward to hearing good stories of their travels by candlelight tonight!

Pray for my mind, my thinking...Ive been under attack, believing lies...this is my greatest struggle here, my thoughts. Pray specifically that I would be confident of my relationship with the Father, that I would have the wisdom to stop the lies from continuing by replacing them with truths from God's word. Thank you all who have been praying so faithfully!

To you ladies at church who love me more than I can know, I thank you so much for your prayers, for your encouragement. Thank you for ministering to my spirit, thank you for ministering to my mom in my absence. I know it blesses her heart to have you caring for me. You all hold such a dear place in my heart and I hope you know that I love you and am praying for you as well. You are treasures, and God is using you in amazing ways!

Love and Peace!

Zambia Mailing....

2007-08-22T14:58:00.000+02:00

I have heard well-meant comments from several of my loved ones of intentions of sending me glorious packages but, I am beginning to doubt. I have been in Zambia for a month and a half now and alas, nothing has arrived...BUT, I was thinking that this may be due to a lack of recent addressing (i have posted it in the past but I will do so again) :)

There are three ways of reaching me:

Revival Mission Center
Megan Christopherson
P.O. Box 90198,
Luanshya, Zambia

Hands@Work in Africa
Megan Christopherson
P.O. Box 90122
Luanshya, Zambia

And then the fastest and most expensive way straight to my door using DHL:

Megan Christopherson
C/O Jacob Sichalwe
1104 Section 5
Roan Township, Luanshya, Zambia

I look forward to many letters and very large packages! :)

Im feeling better today, my headache is gone which is a huge blessing cause I thought my head would explode. Now I am resting, preparing for two sweet gals to join me next week.

I cleaned all day yesterday. We use brooms outside made of dried long grass. It was ridiculous and very dusty but my place is looking more presentable. I found out that the mango tree in my yard is the big mango type, Sweetness! I eat fresh Papaya every morning, Joe climbs the tree to get it for me. Africa is Amazing!

lONG Time...

2007-08-20T11:30:00.000+02:00

I know, I know...it has been a while! I have been missing you too! All sorts of craziness has been going on to keep me away from the computer and away from town.

We just finished two weeks of Kids Camps at the farm for 60 kiddos who are orphaned and vulnerable. It was a stretching time as well as sweet. It was great to be with the UK team and have some normal English conversations on a daily basis, that was such a blessing...although the British still have something against Americans! Ive found that almost every one has a problem with Americans. I used to be the same...but now I am just tired of the generalizations and the overall high opinions of everyone else. I guess we are all entitled to our opinions, but am ready for people to stop picking on me because of where I come from!

I just discovered that two of the boys from the camp live on my "street" and I have a fun time this morning as I was going to the market for some fruit when one of the boys ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to another one of the boys houses. I am looking forward to having the opportunity to continue loving on them and looking out for them! The children here are so beautiful and wonderful, even when their lives are in shambles, they are strong. I am humbled daily when I hear more stories. These people are amazing and it would truly be easy to ignore their stories because they don't wave them as banners, they rise above and thrive.

Im sick again, don't know how I keep getting sick, maybe I just have never truly gotten better. I feel it a bit in my chest though which makes me a little nervous. Pray that I will have time to rest and heal now that all the craziness has subsided!

This week God has really shown me the Spiritual struggle that I am involved in. The enemy has been trying to keep me from acknowledging the love of God in my life and I have been left feeling vulnerable and fearful. I miss the encouragement of other people in my life, but last night as I was sick and tired and crying, Naomi came to my house and encouraged me. She reminded me that I need to encourage myself in the Lord, as David did...even when all seems wrong, to believe that God is love, that He is in control, and trust in His authority in my life. So...I have been struggling, but holding fast to my Abba Father, Tata, and staying in the word.

Update on Pictures - my computer cord is broken, which means I can't use my laptop. My laptop has the software on it to download my pics from my camera...so we are stuck right now. NO music, no time to write reports from home, and no pictures until I get a new cord. Sorry! I am suffering as well...i miss music!

Love you all!

Email Help

2007-08-08T16:04:00.000+02:00

Anyone who is from Bethel who is still using their bethel account, how do I access mine now? Maybe the site is just down but the new exchange system won't accept my login and password and I don't know what to do...Apes? Bon? Could you find out what I need to do and post it to this blog? Thanks a HEAP!

Do you think I'm beautiful??

2007-08-06T16:00:00.000+02:00

Africa has a different standard, and it is in my favor right now. I don't know how, but people think I am beautiful with this crazy head of hair I have...I might never understand it. My head itches so badly I am reminded of those horrible days as a child when I had lice. Yuck!

When I go to sleep I have to wrap my head with a scarf to keep the braids from tearing out of my scalp. Okay, I am exaggerating but it feels like that! It felts like there was wounds all over my head, and now those wounds are healing, and as they heal, they itch, HORRIBLY! By Friday, at the latest, I am taking these babies out...maybe by tomorrow. they tell me "you have to get used" Oh no, there will be no "getting used" this will not happen again!

This past weekend we had a Jubilee Conference with the church and I sang in the choir. I attracted much attention as the only white person within miles from the area on the first day. It was an interesting time. I learned some things, but was also challenged in some big ways. I don't feel comfortable with emotional churches, the screaming, the tongues, the laughter of the Lord. I don't understand these things and I can't see how a person can be fine and looking bored one moment and then the next be falling on the ground shaking. I don't like it, not one bit.

To be the only person in my group of relationships that believes in a different way is hard. I begin to doubt myself, wonder if I truly have been filled with the Holy Spirit since I don't speak in tongues or faint or do strange things. I wonder if I am missing something, maybe I have been wrong this whole time. And then the lingo that is used. Everything has the "Anointing" and we are praying "the blood of Jesus" over everything. I just hate this kind of talk. Yes, Jesus has given us all an anointing - and the blood of Jesus is what makes everything possible...but, I am just not impressed with something here. I'm sorry I am talking about this, maybe I need to keep it inside, but I really struggle with this, I don't get it.

I've decided to read through the book of Acts. The Holy Spirits power permeates through this book and I want to know about it, I want to find some confidence in what I believe in so i won't be swayed by other doctrines of belief. I hate being unsure of things, but what I hate most is being unsure of my relationship with the Lord. I have nothing when my confidence wavers in Him. Pray for me in this, it is real and it is important!

The speaker at the conference said we need to go deeper, we need to do the work of getting to the depths of God and His power. We can't be lazy about our relationship with him...I have taken this to heart and am searching for answers.

I'm moving into my house today! I am excited, but feeling a little lonely. A new house, another adjustment, many more things to learn, to buy, to clean. :) Does someone want to come over and help?

Love you!

Learning when to say NO

2007-08-02T13:59:00.000+02:00

If you were to look at me right now, your eyes would still be searching for the Megan you know and I would hope that you love. The girl you would be glancing at has a pale face due to a few days of some major flu stuff going on in her system, but also due to bright red/brown hair...yes, you read that correctly.

Okay, so I am a little crazy and maybe just a little too easy going. So I told Annie that I wanted my hair braided...but in Zambia this means that I want extensions...which isn't true, at least not for me. Praxidence, a lovely girl who i have determined to be my friend took me to get my hair braided yesterday. After stopping by the shop called RUTH's we went to the market to check out extensions...I didn't really understand why we needed to look, but maybe for her? Nope...they were for me. First they pulled out BLACK extensions and I quickly declined, then came the black roots with bright purple and I hesitated for a very quick moment when I thought back to my younger days when I really wanted purple hair, and then I declined confidently...they tried to trick me with the third option with, again, black roots, but orange ends and I thought, hey, I love orange, and then stopped myself and shook my head, NO. Finally they pulled out a bunch of brown hair...yes, this was the last option and truly the only option as far as I'm concerned. Can you imagine me with black hair?!

I was already sick and feeling more nauseous as we walked back to RUTH's to get my hair done. I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours but had been losing plenty of fluids if that makes any sense...I sat to be braided and within half an hour my scalp was throbbing and my eyes began to grow dim. How do you explain "passing out" to someone who doesn't speak English? It isn't possible actually. The ladies all laughed at me and told me I was lazy and tired, but I knew the truth...I was freaked out, in pain, and incredibly dehydrated. I couldn't go on and I was a sight to see walking home with only the lower portion of my head braided with long red brown hair while the remaining blonde hair was pulled up on the top of my head in pig tails. Humiliation...that is the only word that really fits. I tied my bright green sweater around my head and avoided looking into anyone's eyes while I made the walk home...first stop - bathroom, second stop - bed, and that is where I stayed until almost 6pm when I taught the kiddos how to play UNO, ate some dinner and went to bed again. After another draining night, pun intended, I woke up early this morning determined to get this braiding over with and "embrace" my new look.

I will post pictures soon and you will be shocked and quite possibly appalled...but what's a girl to do but stand tall and say to heck with image! So, to heck with Image...I am still beautiful on the inside, right?

Pray for my health - I hate being sick like this, especially in someone else's home and without someone there to take care of me. I am trying to begin saying No to all the chaos around me and just relax while I can, give myself a rest as every day I am being challenged...it is okay if people look on and say I'm lazy...I guess...I need to be healthy in order to be effective right?!

The Rooster

2007-07-27T13:03:00.000+02:00

Have I told you about my friend, the Rooster? She lives at Jacob and Annie’s with me. She is roosting…??? Uh, maybe that isn’t what it is called, but she is doing whatever it is called when she is laying eggs. So she lives in a plastic crate right now. She has a soft floor she sits on throughout the day and the children like using her temporary home for a stool when all the others are taken by us greedy adults. When the lights outside begin to go out she comes inside the kitchen to sleep. Her temporary home comes with her so she can keep comfortable on her soft floor. Every morning she does me the favor of reminding me that I am still alive as she wakes me at 5am singing her cock-a-doodle-doo song. She thinks it is beautiful and wants to sing us all lovely songs to help us remember that God’s mercies are new every morning. But oh how I wish she would wait until just a little later in the morning to sing her glory song! We are friends nevertheless and I think I will just be grateful that in the midst of my slumber I am able to be reminded of the breath that fills my lungs and the newness of another morning.

The only problem with saying that this kind Rooster is my friend is the reality that one day she may be my dinner…and that is disturbing to me! The foods I have been eating here, oh, you all would be surprised! I have been told I can be a Zambian now – this is because I can eat properly with Nshima with needing utensils. Basically, I am rocking the socks off of these Zambians who think I am just a clueless white girl. I refuse to be that girl, so I am taking chances and feeling free to get my hands dirty.

Today we picked up all sorts of rubbish around the farm and then carried it to “the pit” where all the other rubbish was thrown. Then…we burnt it! Just Laurie and myself – we were pyromaniacs and set the pit ablaze. It was glorious and very satisfying to know that we were able to do something that actually freaked us out at the beginning. You will all be happy to know that the fire stayed inside the pit and did not venture out into unwelcoming areas of the farm Hooray for we who are adventurous!

I joined the praise choir at the church and have been attempting to learn songs in Bemba. Who ever told me that English was the first language of Zambia and not to worry about a language barrier was just tricking me! I am struggling to wrap my tongue around the words here, they are long and hey, did you know that Zambians mix the R and L? I am reminded daily of my mother SoongHe who did the same. It has been a great thing actually to keep her in my heart. I smile when I think of her worshiping God. You know, at her funeral the pastor of her church reminded us of how she would stand as tall as her four foot something height would allow during worship with her hands raised up to the God that she loved and adored, singing passionately. I can hear her off-key singing, switching the l’s with r’s and vice-versa. I loved that woman so much, she was a mother to me for many years and I hold her memories dearly in my heart. We did an activity during our trainings called The Tree of My Life and we drew leaves on our trees, each symbolizing someone in our lives that made an impact. SoongHe was one of my many leaves. We were encouraged to think about whether or not we had a chance to tell that person how much they meant to our lives. I thought of how she was in the hospital and how they thought it best that I didn’t see her in the condition she was in. I hate that now. I wish I could have told her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her, how thankful I was for her love that began from the moment we met. She always called me her daughter, always stood up for me, always thought the best of me. I thank God for allowing me to have her in my life for the time I did! … Goodness, I’m getting emotional and that wasn’t my intention…this was meant to be funny and endearing, but, a tribute to a mother is okay I think…I thank God that He gives us people. Even when they are gone their memories still impact our lives, and I am grateful for the sweet reminders!

To all of you who have been in my life, I appreciate you and love you very much! No matter what has happened, good or bad, I still cherish the time we had together. I don’t think there has been even one person in my life that hasn’t taught me something, and that is something to be celebrated. So here’s to you!

Love

Embracing

2007-07-23T15:28:00.000+02:00

I am learning....to embrace makes everything okay!

I am embracing my cold showers! To just get in and not even bother with warming water, its better that way! Then when you get out of the shower you feel warmer rather than colder, try it, you'll see! I am also learning to embrace the poor communication level I have. I can't speak English and expect to be understood so I will learn Bemba faster, that is better for me. Trusting God, yeah, I am embracing that too, slowing down - that is good as well. I will move into my home this week. They fixed the water lines today, we picked up the stove on Friday, the Fridge will come tomorrow, and then we will start moving in and I am SO EXCITED!!!

I did speak with my mother, for all of you who were worried, thanks for passing on the info that they were in Minnesota. Can you believe they left without even telling me? You know, I have realized that so many of you think that your lives aren't interesting to me so you don't tell me what is going on, but I want to know! I get bored of my drama and like to hear about the seeming sanity of the states, feel free to share!

I am eating some new and interesting things. You know I was a vegetarian for 6 years...and now I am shocked at what I am putting into my body. Last night I ate these little fishes that you eat all of them, bones and all, the night before that I had some sort of beef, and before that I tried fermented milk...yuck...try drinking a container of sour cream, that is what it tastes like! They want me to try the Mopani Worm...I think I will try almost anything once, so I wouldn't mind trying, we'll see if they break them out for me to try. They scared me when I first arrived by telling me they like to eat Chihuahua...oh gosh, I was about to go puke when then they told me that was the name of a vegetable dish they make with Pumpkin leaves...relief!

I am on my way to becoming a regular Zambian, they have approved me already since I eat with my hands and pass up the noodles to eat more Nshima...hey, I like new things...maybe not all of them, but I can do this. Don't expect failure from me, I'll let you down!

I'm trying to post some pictures, we'll see if it works. Ive been trying to email one email for the past hour and it still hasn't gone....

WHY

2007-07-17T16:34:00.000+02:00

Could someone tell me why my mother or father hasn't emailed me recently? I am feeling lonesome for home!

Things are going well here, i am still fighting that lump in my throat, even now I am feeling it, but I just keep reminding myself, and God is reminding me too, to take things one day at a time.

It is the small things that are freaking me out. The cold showers, the lack of a home, eating too much Nshima I think I am gonna get fat, wishing I had toilet paper in abundance, wanting to have an apple whenever I want...WE TAKE TOO MUCH FOR GRANTED!!! Today when you turn your shower on, thank God! You have hot water, thank God! Oh man...I long for hot water I think I could cry. OH, and a washing machine. Hand washing everything is gonna be a challenge! Oh yeah, and electricity - lucky you who have it constantly without daily power cuts! And Internet access hourly, what is that? Cell phone calls to friends, a nice latte, a MIRROR...these are the things that I don't have.

Jacob and Annie, the couple I will be working with, they are lovely! They both have amazing hearts and are real people, I am blessed! God has been meeting my every need, truly. I will be moving into my home this weekend hopefully. Pray that this will go smoothly, I am still living out of a bag. Also pray that I wouldn't be so afraid. I feel God is asking too much of me at times and wonder if I am able. But, I am not able - He is...able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine.

I am still learning, a lot about myself, also about Africa. It isnt what you would think. Our perceptions are mostly wrong.

I joined the choir at Pastor Jacob's church! Trying to get involved and stay busy so I can feel at home as soon as possible.

Love and miss you all! Especially you mom and dad!

Legalism

2007-07-12T16:02:00.000+02:00

I came from legalism, I am an expert at legalism, and to be honest, I still am a legalist from time to time. I find it deep down inside my heart, when I begin to fear or my insecurities begin to compare myself to another I find solace in legalism...it is the only way for me to find myself "better" than someone else.

I hate legalism, it kills the spirit and a bunch of other things like love and mercy and grace and peace and acceptance and forgiveness and....I could go on but I think you get the point. Zambia is a Christian country. This is not praise, for when I say "Christian" I mean "Christian". When did we begin to determine ourselves better than everyone else? Why are we so afraid of love and grace? Pharisees, isn't that what we are, when we call ourselves Christians and then all we do is judge. When the words that we say have no connection to the deeds that we do? I am embarrassed and I want to apologize for we "Christians" who condemn others who are different from ourselves. We "Christians" are wrong, we are hateful, we are fearful, and we have not loved in the way Jesus would love. We look nothing like the God we proclaim and we shadow His name with lies.

I just spent a day going over Abuse with a group of people here. They are lovely people and I in no way want to put them down, but what they represent, the vicious words that are said make me shake with anger and ache with pain. We have got it all wrong you know. To condemn someone suffering as though they brought it upon themselves. To tell girls that they are at fault for the abuse of mindless, uncontrolled men who are supposed victims to a woman's beauty or appeal. How is that? Tell me how that works!

We asked the men to stand today and give a reason for their responsibility in rape...I felt I had won a bit of a war, asked a few people to think outside of their holier than thou positions and speak truth, for once, get out of those "Christian" ideals and speak the TRUTH. I was exhausted at the effort.

I have to see that the hate I feel inside is my own, my hate of myself, not of another person...we as Christians, if we dare continue to call ourselves by that name need to consider what that truly means, and step out of fear and into love...

I'm learning a lot, being challenged daily, and having to learn to love, even on my side of things instead of judge those I disagree with. It's a constant journey!

Be Still and Know - I am God

2007-07-11T16:05:00.000+02:00

Thank you all for your prayers, they are felt, deep down inside of me and I just need to say that I have been filled with so much peace these last two days. God is faithful! I feel like I am learning so much, being pulled, stretched, TORTURED...okay, not really...but wow, there is so much in life to learn, so much to trust God with, so many ways to be renewed in the presence of God. I have been blessed with a friend named Sipelile, she has been such a blessing to have around. Both of us are away from home and miss the familiar. I think we have been placed together to support one another, and we have been. So many things have changed in only a day that have been so encouraging!

I've decided a few things in the past day that I would like to share with you. I have decided to let go of the past. Yeah, that may sound small, but it isn't really. The past has held me back, kept me believing lies from all the way back in grade school that I still recited to myself every time I was weak. Well, no longer...I now realize how much I have been given, by the absence of it. And really it is just a physical absence, because all that I love it still well and alive in this world, and my Father in heaven has never left either. I am learning to accept a Father's love. Believing that this Father of mine is truly loving and faithful. When I can pull myself out of my mind for only a moment I see that all is well - and it is. It is well with my soul.

I had ice cream today - that will be a rare occasion for me. We have one shopping store called shoprite - it has old veggies and then rows of processed foods and gadgets. Take one sixth of FRY'S and that is the size of the store. I am thinking of starting my own veggie garden once I get to my house. We have been in Kabwe, Zambia, training a group from here and I will go back to The Farm on Friday night and hope to move into my home in Luanshya on Saturday. I think that will as well do much to help me settle. I am still living out of a suitcase - for the last two months or so, and don't like being like that - I want a home!

Thanks again for everything! I thank my God upon Every remembrance of you!

Okay...now I need some help!!!

2007-07-09T16:48:00.000+02:00

I can't put a title on this...I don't know why. The computer is not allowing me to reply to any emails, not allowing me to put a title in on my post either. I am going through some culture shock in a big way and feel on the edge of tears most of my time. God has blessed me with a friend, short term - for the next two weeks and I am so happy that she is here. She is from Zimbabwe and 28...and very strong. I don't know how to say what I feel without letting you all down, and that is the last thing I want to do, but I am scared, and feel like I just want to come home. I know I wrote like this when I first got to South Africa and I am hoping that this feeling will pass as it did there, but I feel SO LONELY here. I wonder who those people are that say that they will just look to God for their comfort - did they have friends around? Were they in a familiar world? Because everything is unfamiliar here, and I have nothing to lean on except for my faith which seems to be wavering right now. I am under attack, feeling like Im not going to make it and finding it difficult to believe anything else right now. This morning I was fine, last night I was okay, but oh how I am struggling right now. I hate to write home and say these things...but I wonder if this is where I am supposed to be with my small amount of faith left. The lump in my throat makes it difficult to swallow and I truly feel that I - Lord help me! I know that God made the way for me to be here, I know that He opened all the doors and I thanked him for this. THis is what I've always wanted, to be traveling, not really to be alone doing it...Being the minority is overwhelming and I feel I am getting a good picture of what others coming to America experience. Completly OVERWHELMED...God tells me He is with me, and as I write, as I process, I begin to believe this again...My weaknesses taunt me regularly, my insecurities, my doubts. I wish I could quiet the voices in my head telling me that I won't make it, that I am unable of connecting, that I will feel like this until I go running home. But No, the voice of TRUTH tells me a diferent story, the voice of truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID. Please pray for me...I need your prayers more than ever right now. Pray that I will find peace, pray that this fear will be turned to Strength, pray that I can focus on others more than myself and my insecurities will not win. AND - email, call, please let me know that you are there and I am not alone! Funny how you don't know what you have until it is gone!

African Fire Drills

2007-07-04T14:15:00.001+02:00

Are you wondering what an African Fire Drill is??? Well, it is like a Chinese Fire Drill, except you throw in a bathroom break by the side of the car before getting back in....

Craziness, pure craziness! I am in the middle of Africa with two crazy hippies who keep me guessing what I will find around the next turn. We got into the car at 4am so I wasn't really in full mind when we got started so by the first stop a couple of hours into the drive I was very surprised to see the two in front get out, circle around the vehicle...and I am turning to see what is going on, very quickly then turning my head away as I see them squat to do their thing and then get back in the car, switching drivers as they returned, saying nothing to me in the meantime. Little did I know that this was the only kind of bathroom break we were to be taking during our three day road trip into Zambia.

They spit their seeds into a rolled up window...I didn't comprehend until a while after...you know I've seen my father spit seeds while driving, but this is a different kind of spitting seeds, cause they actually don't roll the window down before they do it. I am still struggling to make sense of all I have seen and heard over these past few days! :)

On sunday we had a delightful morning service with the elephants who were less than 20ft away...they trample humans you know, and I wasn't in any zoo...but they were beautiful and let us look on. They really didn't have any choice as there was a small electric fence separating us and them, but it was delightful to see, babies and mammas...loved it.

Lots of monkeys too, Babboons actually running through the area after our visit to Victoria Falls. I did the unthinkable by changing in the middle of the parking lot...I had to...Sal was kind enough to hold a towel up and look the other way. Goodness the experiences over the past few days.

Im in Zambia now and half settled...haven't seen my home yet, but there is a bunch of Owls living above me who keep me company at night. Their noises sound like a big heavy breathing man outside my window but after I got over the initial scare all was fine.

Love you all...pray for me, BIG TIME!

Plans and Prayers

2007-06-26T13:20:00.001+02:00

The plans for Zambia -
Leave Friday, the 29th, 4am...wait, what?? FOUR A.M.

Drive through Botswana. Yes, you are correct when you are thinking I said Zimbabwe before. that is because it WAS Zimbabwe before, but now it is Botswana...things are always changing.

Arrive in Livingston, Zambia to see Victoria Falls. Pray that we will be able to get Visa's for Zambia at the lodge we will be staying at or else...well, I don't know how we will get Visa's otherwise??

Drive up through Zambia and arrive in Luanshya, Zambia - my home for the next 6 - 8 months. I really don't know how long it will take to get there, maybe by the 4th of July.

Pray for the trip. That we will all get along and enjoy the time we have away from things on the road. Pray that the car perform. Pray for safety in driving. Pray for favor at the borders as well as any stops by police on the way.

Pray that I will be bold once I get to Zambia and not hold back in developing relationships...I will need at least ONE friend, if not more...pray that God will bring this person.

Pray that God's peace will fill my heart, my life, and His joy will fill my mouth.

I feel like I am leaving my comfort zone again. And actually, I am, except for now I am truly going into Africa, and I will be more "alone" than I have been since I started.

I am excited but also, I'm a little scared....

Experience

2007-06-26T12:58:00.000+02:00

You know...I've had some experiences in this life of mine. Some good, others bad, but I have a history and a place from which I've come. I think we forget this sometimes. We begin to believe that if God has changed us, or if we are supposed to forgive, well then we can't think about what came before the forgiveness, before the changes. I think we all might fall back into our past if we choose to forget. God does things in us for us to remember Him, to look back and see where we were, the pain we experienced. These memories guide us today in choices, what hurts, what heals. We know these things from our past and yet we somehow believe that we aren't supposed to remember. Maybe I am the only one who feels that way, maybe you feel that you can remember those days you lived in complete denial of what God did in your life, you remember how you felt and the desperation inside of you and you are able to thank God for what He has done. But myself, I feel that I need to forget those days, forget that pain...it isn't really acceptable to others anyways. Many people say after hearing me share a piece of my heart, "well, I am assuming that was before you became a Christian" as though once that moment happens life somehow become easy and painless...we make all the right decisions and become something other than Human. No, sadly, I was still human after God interrupted my life and handed me something called Hope. Even with hope, even with mercy, even with grace...I still made bad decisions and lived as though God hadn't changed me...and now I bear the scars, deal with the consequences, and so I am ashamed of my past instead of looking at it and thanking God for still loving me, still being faithful, still having that enduring love that he promises. Why can't we remember the past in order to see God in it, because He was there for sure.

we had a ladies retreat last weekend that got me thinking. we focused only for a few minutes about our past experiences and how they've shaped us and it was so refreshing to be able to remember and honestly look at the past but see how God has done great work in transforming my life. God asks us to forgive, but not to forget. If we try to forget we won't be willing to accept someone else who is in the place we used to be, it won't be acceptable to us and we will judge them due to our unhealed scars and shame. No, we must remember! And it is okay if we still hurt...God came to comfort those who are broken, so it has to be okay to fall into that category!

We only had about 30 minutes to actually have a "workshop" cause all of us ladies were having fun and didn't' want to sit and listen to a lecture, but this brief time still accomplished what was needed in our lives. During the other 24 hours we were there we had some other experiences. Our birthday girl was personally kicked by the pet giraffe they have at the lodge. His name is Stripes...and he was behaving very badly! And me...my experience...well, there was this cute little baboon that they had adopted. He was only 2 months old and seriously the cutest thing ever. I bent down to pet him, named Bozo, and he began to climb up my arm so I thought I would just help him out a little bit and when I touched him he went NUTS! He bit me at least two times that left a mark of these little baboon teeth in my skin. He didn't break the skin but I sure was surprised! Naughty little monkey! But hey, who can say they've been attacked by a baby baboon??? ME!!! Jealous???

Zambia Address

2007-06-21T17:23:00.000+02:00

So you can send me packages...I've heard putting Jesus stickers on the outside wards off evil-doers who want to steal nice things that come in brown packages...

Okay, so when I say "Jesus stickers" I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean spiritually aimed stickers...makes people feel nervous to disrupt the contents...am I just making a bigger deal out of nothing? What I was trying to say was...haha...I know I know, you get it...

SO here's my new address:

Hands at Work Zambia
Megan Christopherson
Box 90122
Fisenge
Luanshya
Zambia (yeah, I forgot this part...shouldn't the post just KNOW that I am in Zambia???)
Africa

Feel free to start sending now if you feel that it is necessary...I assure you it is most acceptable!

Flexible

2007-06-19T18:45:00.000+02:00

Warning to all those Africa bound. Did you check mark ‘yes’ on a questionnaire that asked if you were flexible? If so you may be in for a shocker, maybe there has been some sort of miscommunication, so let me clear things up for you a bit. When they ask the question “Are you flexible?” they mean something very different from what you might expect. They don’t mean the kind of flexible that allows you to touch your finger tips to your toes, No, not even the kind of flexible that allows you to adjust your meeting schedule from 5pm to 6pm. There is a different kind of flexible that they talk about when you’re in Africa…the kind of flexible that says two to six complete strangers can move into my home for an indefinite period of time because they need a place to stay. The kind of flexible that says, that meeting that we had scheduled today is okay to postpone until the morning I have present on the results. Yes, this is what African flexibility really is. Now, you might think that sounds difficult, but there are perks to this new found flexibility. I am currently learning a new aspect of flexibility, the kind that says, hey, this report doesn’t have to be perfect; I don’t have to know it all. Wonderful huh? Accept for the sad reality that my Corporate American mind is struggling to allow me to accept this new flexibility. I am learning to be okay with knowing what I know, and not stressing about the other stuff. There is a guy working on all of our I.T. right now and it is a mess. I asked him this morning if he was daily experiencing stress and he responded, “no, not really. I just do what I know how to do and decide not to worry about the rest.” I couldn’t really understand. I just sat there looking at him as though he had just said something strangely offensive and strangely wonderful as well. His reasoning was so simple it must have been wrong…or was it? I am working on American time here and everyone around me is telling me to chill out. I am experiencing so much overwhelming stress over these dang grant proposals…combine that with computers being shared by at least two to three different people, unpredictable Internet access, and viruses and I am just a mess. But you know what? It doesn’t matter! I can only do as much as I can do, and that is the truth. I just need to be flexible with life. It’s a crazy fun adventure and if I keep telling myself this over and over…haha…just kidding!

New news about Zambia. I will be living in Luanshya, Zambia, in the Copperbelt Region. It is okay if you don’t know what that means, I don’t either! ;) I will be staying in a house next door to Pastor Jacob, his wife Annie and their little girls. Pastor Jacob is one of the main leaders of most of the Zambia projects and an amazing man. I am really excited to get there and get to know them better! I have also heard that close to Christmas some of the people I have grown to know and love here will be making their way to Zambia for a vacation. I was nervous about the holidays but I think they are going to be amazing and am very thankful for that! God just keeps taking care of me and I feel blessed when I recognize all He is doing!

Another friend left me today. Ginna - love forever!! But I found myself having a pity party and failing to recognize all those around me who are friends as well. Yeah, it takes work, but that shouldn't minimize the relationships God has put into my life. pray that my attitude would change, that my heart would grow out of myself and into someone else!

10 days to departure for Zimbabwe...I can't wait! (no, i'm not changing my plans for Zimbabwe, that is just the first stop :)

Youth Day

2007-06-16T13:29:00.000+02:00

30 years ago the Black youth of South Africa had to fight for schooling in English rather than Afrikaans...on June 16th, 1976 they marched for the freedom of education, marched for the right to understand their text books, marched against the oppression of the Apartheid regime...

Children were killed during this protest, actually murdered for using their voices and now we remember this day, remember those children who fought and died to gain freedom for the future of the black youth of South Africa.

The youth of Masoyi chose to celebrate this day rather than mourn. We met this morning and partied with dancing and singing. The children here are so strong, so talented, and full of potential. Who is going to give them a chance? Who is going to give them what they need to actually turn that potential into something tangible? This is not a hopeless cause, not by any means, but we need people who are willing to come and love. Oh yes, we need money, of course, nothing on earth is free...but what is most important is that touch, that word that says, you are great, you can do it, and you can be somebody...here, let me show you how.

I am ever amazed by the heart in the community and challenged to be more, to live life with passion, to make it worth the time I've been given. I love the children here and my passion is renewed when I spend time with them. I sat and listened to the speakers and held two children on my lap. They didn't know me before I arrived, but they know me now. They need love, and accept it from those who are willing to give it. I love giving it! What a treasure it is to give something as simple as a hug or a lap, even a gentle touch on the head, to someone who truly desires it!

Life is rich if you will let it be!

Just a few suggestions

2007-06-14T18:28:00.000+02:00

I can't remember if I've already made this suggestion or not...but watch the movie Yesterday. It is a great movie that will show you a very close picture of the community that I have been working in with Masoyi, the language is similar too. Also, Faith Like Potatoes is really good as well...also about South Africa and Zambia. Another movie that is really funny and South African is The God's Must Be Crazy...just a taste of South African humor, specifically Afrikaans humor. Ummm...was there anything else? Oh, read the book The Prince...amazing!

I am reading Come Thirsty by Max Lucado, I would also suggest this book to everyone. It has been an encouragement and an easy read. It pulls you in and grabs your heart.

That's all for now!

Thinking

2007-06-12T17:38:00.000+02:00

My mom told me that it was evident in my blog that I am not really…doing anything. Okay, maybe she said MUCh, that I am obviously not doing much but, this actually is not entirely true. I am helping out here and there as I can and am preparing to leave South Africa, but yes, things have changed quite a bit since I first arrived. I was annoyed at times with our packed schedule at first but now I am wishing it was packed again. There are only so many things I can do in an office before I start feeling stir crazy and want to go outside and enjoy the weather and the trees and the sunshine. But, I am in a period of waiting so I am trying to make the most of it.

I don’t want to give you a play by play of everything I am doing now as it isn’t all that interesting but I want you to know that I am still here, still lending a hand as I can, but having a lot of thinking time. This can actually be a very bad thing for me. I am doing my best to keep things healthy, mind, soul and spirit.

Have you ever come to a point where you just see what a fallen person you are? I come to this point about three times a day. :) Okay, but seriously, I am faced with my own reality daily, and yet, God promises something different. I am finding myself fighting against Him. Isn’t that crazy? I am here in Africa, finally giving Him my life, committing my life to Him, asking Him to do with it what He wants…and then, secretly, I take it back. I think about what kind of husband he has for me, and decide that I would rather choose on my own although I have time and time again failed in this area. I think of what He might ask me to do and find my heart building a wall around it. Excuses begin to flow from my heart telling myself all the reasons why I cannot do what He might ask me to do someday. I am beginning to think that God has me here in this waiting period to figure some of these things out. To at least become aware of what I am doing internally when I think of God and His will. I am constantly finding myself on my knees on the path of pleasing God and the words of John Lynch echo in my mind, “it is about Trusting God, not pleasing Him”. “Is there another road?” He asks in desperation as he’s failed at the road of pleasing God and all he can see is the road of trusting God in front of Him. Please, let there be another road! I laugh as I feel the similarities between my walk and the one John speaks of in his True-faced series. You know, being here isn’t like being away at college or going to a new place and being surrounded by peers…it is more like being the only one under the microscope surrounded by a bunch of professionals. Or that is the way I feel today. I want to fight so hard to be strong and perfect and presentable while all the while I really just want to be myself and know that its going to be okay. Okay, it’s like being at church, all day long. Yeah, maybe that describes it well. We’ve all been to those churches; many churches are like this actually. You put your smile on before you go in and you don’t think of taking it off until you leave the building. Will I be who I am here or will I succumb to the expectations or others? I want to scream “I am who I am”. I haven’t yet, but I am getting there. You can only survive for so long before you just have to be real. Not that the real me is bad, I don’t actually think that it is…but the real me doesn’t look like someone you would ask to be a missionary. What was God thinking? Didn’t he know that they would be looking for someone else? Maybe I am being a little dramatic. I am a little emotional lately and again, my mind has been going about a mile a minute. …but my expectation of their expectations…maybe that’s it. I am scared that I am turning into a very introspective and serious person but I think that has something to do with my present surroundings. Get me around some crazy people and I will get right again, don’t you worry.

Yesterday was my father’s birthday. I will not tell you his age for the protection of his personal comfort :) He is, VERY old though…please be sure, if you know him, to tell him happy Birthday. My pops is a great man and deserves much more recognition than I think he gets. I think he’s amazing. If you knew him I think you’d agree. I love you pops and wish you an amazing 75th!

Own Me

2007-06-12T17:35:00.000+02:00

Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

-Ginny Owens

Revelations

2007-06-05T15:22:00.000+02:00

I was talking to a girl the other night. She is 19, both of her parents are gone and she is absolutely fabulous. She walks tall with confidence and sass. I told her I was impressed with her strength and she said that Masoyi is what gave her strength. She was able to look around and she children younger than her all alone and having to fit into the new role of adult. She looked at me and said, "how can I say sorry, sorry, when I am crying myself? How will they know that things can get better?" This really made me think.

The children of Masoyi are amazing and they encourage me to be stronger. I spoke with a boy today who was very sad. He was isolating himself and believing that no one would understand his situation. He is 17 and his mother died two years ago. He is angry, hurt, and afraid of others seeing him cry. He asked us, "to who can I go when I feel like no one cares? Who can I turn to when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel?" ...I was reminded of the words I was given earlier in the week from that strong young woman as I wanted to cry with him. I thought, No, I need to show strength and encourage his heart. I felt the same way, have asked the same questions and what I found...God is still with me. I read verse after verse to him. I really felt like this was one of the first times I was moved to share Christ's love since I became an adult. When I was young I used to save all of my friends :) But as an adult I have taken a back seat in the witnessing department, it's not my style. But today this boy needed hope, and the only hope that I knew to give him was the only hope I have found myself...and it was found in God. Day by day returning to the truth that God is still there, and He will never leave us or forsake us, and for this reason we can say with CONFIDENCE, I will put my trust in the Lord, why should I fear, what can man do to me?

These things need follow up. You can't just say something once and expect it to stick forever..He needs a friend, someone to go to when these struggles continue. investment, it is an investment in someone's life that fosters change...

I will be going to Mozambique this coming Monday. Should be a good time and relaxing is my hope. I am still working on getting well. Pray for the children in the community that they will have peace, and pray for the volunteers that they will have strength to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

I really was happy to hug all of the children today, wanted them to feel a mother's touch and hoped that they felt the sweetness of being loved. We all need that!

Zambizi for Sheezy

2007-06-02T12:43:00.000+02:00

So...I'm going to Zambia!!!

Are you Surprised? I sure am! There are so many emotions and thoughts swirling through my mind...my sick mind that just needs rest is actually very full of all sorts of things. I feel on one side that I have let WOG down, I have let Karl down, and wonder how Malawi will feel about this decision. You know I truly love pleasing other people and this is something that maybe God is trying to grow me up from. Malawi was uncertain and no plans were made. I wonder if I should have waited longer, but then I am trying to trust that God will direct me back to Malawi when the timing is right, when all parties involved feel peace about the placement, when I am ready to go. Hands directed toward Zambia, this was not my idea, but I am excited about it. When I first arrived in Africa I felt a sort of tug towards Zambia and quickly dismissed it from my mind, now here I am again and wonder if I should have been more considerate of the idea from the beginning?

I will be working on developing a Psycho-social program for the orphans in Zambia and training a few of the volunteers on how to work with the children's emotional needs. They work primarily with HBC as well as Community Schools, this is exciting for me as I am definitely a big education advocate. I also plan to travel to Congo during my time as well as the project there is in need of training and I will be close enough to just cross the border and help them out when needed. Funny, Zambia I didn't want to go to, Congo I swore I WOULDN'T go to...and now, well, look...I guess we should always be careful when telling God we won't do something huh?! I still plan on going to Malawi but the timing will just be different. I am not sure if I will go before next February or if I will go after my year commitment to Hands has been completed, I am trying not to worry about that and trust that it will happen in the right timing and God will reveal this as it comes.

I will go to Zambia on the 29th of June and we will still be driving except for this time I will be going with a couple named Robin and Salvador. We will camp in a tent along the way (Awesome) and will arrive around the fourth of July. I will still get to see Victoria Falls in Livingston and am very excited about that as well. Robin and Sal are crazy hippies and we are sure to have a blast of a time. Until then I will need to leave the country of South Africa as my Visa was only extended until the 11th of June, my father's birthday, so I will be traveling to Mozambique next weekend. When I come back into the country of South Africa I will get a new 3 month Visa so no one can chase me out! So, in the next month I will have seen South Africa, Botswana, Zambia and Mozambique with Congo and Malawi still to come. Call me a regular African traveler if you will, that will be my new title. :)

We are working on grant proposals for all 9 of the Home Based Care projects out in Zambia...pray that these will be approved, it means a lot for the projects and wold be a huge blessing. I am working on writing the proposals which has been crazy as I have never done this before and know NOTHING about it so pray for me as well.

You can also pray for my health as I have not been well. A head cold or something is leaving me with stuffy everything and an attention span of an ant. I need energy and also rest. There are very few times that I really feel restful...I am not sure why and am searching my heart about this but pray that I will find some peace and rest, that whatever reason inside of me comes between me and rest will be discovered and conquered! Also, pray for companionship. I am feeling lonely without my friends and finding myself only going so far with the friends I have made around me. this has been a life-long struggle but I would really like to learn how to be vulnerable with others and really authentic.

Thanks to all of you who are keeping up with me and praying for me regularly. It is such a blessing to know that there are people out there that care, not just about my stories, but about my heart and spirit!

A New Thing

2007-05-29T16:52:00.000+02:00

A rush of adrenaline flowed through my body and into my hands and feet as I looked at the dirt road ahead of me. Well, maybe calling it a road is a bit of an exaggeration. The terrain in front of my eyes was about half a road and half a cliff. I clenched the steering wheel, said a quick prayer, let up on the clutch, and pressed my lead foot down on the gas…success, we made it over the cliff and the girls in the car cheered for their fearless driver, Me. I tried to believe that they actually thought I was fearless but after I would make it over another bit of dreadful terrain I would look in my rear-view mirror with a face of terror and see the girls staring at my expression with laughs in their eyes. There was no way to hide it, but the encouragement never wavered. They had decided to trust in me and, that was that, I forged ahead and decided that I was going to conquer those roads or else. The cheers kept me going. The encouragement was what I needed and in the back of my mind I knew that I was doing something for someone else, and then it was all worth it. Let me tell you, I will never back away from a 4x4 adventure again, in fact, I may ask if I can be the driver…exhilarating, that is what it was, and I think I am fit to take on just about any terrain after my first few months in Africa! Watch out world, Megan is on the road!

I went to my first Rugby game on Saturday afternoon. I actually thought the game was on Friday so I sat out by the gate of the campus for almost a good hour until Vivienne called me and said, “Megan, you’ve got it all wrong, the game is tomorrow afternoon.” I had seen her earlier in the morning while I was on a run and told her my plans. I thought she gave me a strange look but it all began to make more sense after feeling ditched as the hour passed and then receiving her call. Saturday was fabulous though. I drove in with Viv and sat with a lovely couple named Mark and Shirley Tucker. Shirley is a writer and we met at church. Her husband talks at church quite often and is also a successful franchiser with Great Clips. Pretty amazing the people you can meet if you take a chance! Oh yes, and our team won! Give me a
U – P – L – A – N – D – S…What’s that spell? UPLANDS!!!! Yeeaaahhhhh!!! I loved the feeling of high school again. I am glad to be done with it all but the competition, the rivalry, I do miss those things! I had lunch with Mark and Shirl at their home after the game; it was great. I feel that I have made South Africa a second home and I feel blessed to have been adopted by many great people!

I made Tiramisu today, we’ll be having it for dessert…it looks wonderful!

Oh yes, and the most important information of all, my destination…as you can probably tell I am still in South Africa and have not been speaking much of leaving in two days. That is because I’m not. When I first came to Africa I told God that I would go anywhere, and then I proceeded to convince myself that anywhere other than Malawi was out of the question when the questions arose in my mind. Then when I was seeking God a month or so ago about where I should go I felt that God was telling me to hold on to my vision and wait for Him, so I decided to continue walking towards Malawi, but, I prayed specifically that God would close the doors to Malawi if it wasn’t His will for me to be there. It hasn’t actually been until this past week that I began to doubt my decision for Malawi. Things began to unravel and I was struggling with feelings of worry. Mike and Lindsey have decided that now is not the time for Malawi, still no news from Malawi, waiting, waiting…why did everything seem so off? I didn’t feel confident that I was even going anymore and I needed to know what was going on. My friends were already in their countries and here I sat, only confident that God did bring me here, but everything else was a cloud. The verse that comes to mind is this one, “ See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland” How wonderful is it when we give God something we allow Him to have His way, His will can be done. Right now I don’t know where I am going, I think I will find out tomorrow…but I am excited to see that God is working. I was worried, holding onto Malawi because I was comfortable with the idea, excited to have Indian food readily available, excited to see teams from WOG coming every few months, excited to have friends with me for the first few weeks, excited for the package from my mother waiting for me there…but I gave this all to God. These things aren’t more important than God’s will and I am trusting that He has a bigger and better plan. He’s got to, He’s God.

So, today is tomorrow and I was able to see Karl this morning; it was nice. It is refreshing to see all the pastors here from the States. I feel like we should all be friends since we come from the same place and they know Karl…my childish mind still works like this!

Update on the Tiramisu: it was a little runny. Still delicious though! I think I am getting sick. I woke up to a sore throat, must be the freezing cold weather we’re having. You may not believe it, but it is TOTALLY cold here now! Wowzers!

I will be able to say with confidence by the end of the week where I am going. When I will go, that is another question but I have to believe that there is a purpose behind all of this waiting. It is cool to see how God works. His timing is not like our own. When we pray and ask Him to do something, watch out, cause He will. Sad how it's usually a shock when He starts moving. Pray for me, that I will grow closer to God during this time and that I will use the time to seek His face.

Oh my Holy Crapper Yowza...

2007-05-22T20:35:00.000+02:00

Sometimes when you are in Africa you can be afraid of things you never even see...well, that is not true for me. I only fear the real, or at least, now I can say that because I saw my FIRST snake the other day. I am living in a new house you know, Carly's actually. When you walk into the house there is a little cement moat type thing surrounding her house and a grate over it by the door to walk in. I was standing on the grate unlocking the door and heard Ginna gasp. I stepped back and muttered the only thing my highly education mind allowed, "oh my holy crapper Yowza...that's a snake." And there he was slithering away as my skin crawled. He was about a meter long and olive green. He was probably about a silver dollar in width and absolutely gross! I don't like snakes, at all.

I found out that a snake actually crawled through the window of our old house the other day and hid out in the dresser in Brooker and my old room. I am so thankful that happened AFTER I was already gone. I am still living in denial and choosing to believe that Malawi is completely reptile free, don't try to convince me otherwise.

Today is a sad day, I am officially alone. (I am also officially a drama queen) I came here alone, true, but Farzam was here from the start. He was my buddy, my brother, my fellow emotional basket case. We bonded, we were friends. He left me today to go to the Congo. Of course I write this as though it wasn't the plan all along and as though he actually left me, not addressing the fact that he has set out on a grand adventure that God designed for him from the beginning. I find that I make everything about myself. I'm a work in process, so I can share these things with you and I am learning to accept myself anyways. So anyways, he left, brooker has been gone for a week now, and I, well, I am still in South Africa.

I've decided to make the most of my time here in the interim between SA and Malawi so I volunteered to help out with driving for the Home Based Care project. The driver is burnt out and could use a break. MaFlo, the director of Masoyi HBC asked me to drive tomorrow and Thursday and I agreed...she hasn't seen me drive and I am sure this is why she found confidence in me. It will be an adventure to say the least. An old broken down Venture, white, driven by a girly who is used to doing everything on the right, is still learning how to shift, and has never 4x4 until she arrived in Africa. I think it will be an eye-opener and I am glad to know I won't be driving any patients around tomorrow, no need to cause any additional damage! :)

I don't know when I am going to Malawi, things are a bit up in the air and I would ask that you pray about this. I'm technically not supposed to be here. The plan was for me to be in Malawi already, but here I sit and think of that verse on how we have so many plans but the Lord's plans are the one's that prevail. It is nice to know that He has a plan, I can find some comfort in that.

I posted some more pictures as well, check the craziness out!

Chilling Out

2007-05-18T16:26:00.000+02:00

Today I went to Prayer Meeting and then stopped by a lady named Vivien's house to chat a bit. She had a meeting so I stayed out on her veranda and read my bible and journaled while her dog, Jesse, chased monkeys around the yard. Back and forth, I heard their little feet scrambling over the tin roof to the other side of the house...barking...then scrambling little feeet again. It was entertaining and relaxing.

Some things I've learned about Africa: No matter how comfortable I feel, things are still not the same. We have to carry our water in to drink. There are no taps inside that I can drink from, just outside. Last week our water tasted really gross, later we heard that an "animal" died in our drinking water Jojo...we had to go to another Jojo to fill up. I poured some of our new water from the purple five gallon bucket we store our drinking water in. We have a pitcher that we dip into the bucket to use to pour...I noticed a spider floating on top. Yummm. Another thing, beds. All of the beds I have seen or slept on here are foam beds. It is a luxury to have a bed with a box spring and then a mattress on top. No, we have a wooden frame, like those at camp, and we have a thin foam mattress, like camp as well.

That's it for now...momma's on the phone. Love yoU!

Changes

2007-05-15T19:45:00.000+02:00

My brooker left today, she is on her way to Mozambique...my sister is not going to be sleeping next to me anymore. That is a strange thought. She is a rock that girl, I miss her already!

Shaz (Farzam) and I also moved today. I will be staying on ASM campus for the next two weeks until I head out to Malawi. We have all been split up, my roomies are no longer my roomies, but maybe it is just good preparation for what is to come. I am now just getting ready, heart, mind, body, soul...We will be DRIVING to Malawi! I am going with a couple, Michael and Lindsey, the sweetest people! We are driving through Botswana and Zambia on our way to Malawi and I have been told that I must jump off a bridge in Livingston, so adventures await. The trip will take about a week...road trip extravaganza! I'm excited. PRay for the preparations, for safety, and all that comes between.

Thanks!

Bucket Baths are funny

2007-05-13T14:11:00.000+02:00

Life isn't always simple. Or maybe it is simple and we love to make it complicated...either way, I miss what I used to have but am adjusting to a new way of life. Four more joined us in our little yellow house. A family of four I should say with two little ones. We are now 7 and Brooke and I were displaced from our room and now are living in Farzam's old room. He moved across from us and we are all three sharing a new bathroom. This bathroom is fabulous. It is that turquoise blue color that used to be very popular back in the 50's. We have a tub, a toilet and a sink. The tub has two separate nossels for the hot and cold water and there is no shower hook up thus, bucket baths.

Mind you, this is a new experience for me. I took bucket baths in the community, but they were in little plastic tubs only using a washcloth. I figured since I had a whole tub that things would be easier but I have found that they are actually much more complex. You see, I figured I could sit in the tub and be just fine. But this tub is a narrow one and truth be told if I were to gain a few more pounds I might struggle getting out of this tub...yes, truth be told. I also don't like the idea of sitting in a tub that four others are using, two of which are young children who have been known to not be so great in warm water if you know what I am saying. It isn't possible to Ajax the tub before each washing, especially since I am usually after Brooke, who enjoys a long shower experience, so I am left with about half an hour to get washed up, look presentable, and if possible, get some breakfast. Sooo, after about two sit down baths I decided that my comfort level was to stay standing and try to work something else out. My bucket baths consist of filling up the bottom couple inches in my narrow blue tub with warm water. I then wash my face first with the cleanest water, this requires crouching to reach the water. Then I am able to wash the rest of my body. But you can't really stand dry in a tub and use a wet bar of soap and believe that you will be accomplishing anything. This is where our small plastic bucket comes in handy. I use this to scoop water and pour it over myself. Rinse, lather, rinse, repeat.... The bathroom becomes a soaking room with water EVERYWHERE...but it is fun, and adds to the adventure of Africa and no shower. I don't really enjoy it too much, you have to think and strategize, you can't just jump in half asleep and expect the water to wake you up. You actually have to control the water yourself or nothing will get clean. If any of you have a tub I suggest you take a turn at a bucket bath, just to get a flavor of what my day to day life is like. Try it, I am sure you'll be impressed. :) I have gone back to washing my hair only every other day, I won't even go into that process.

We have power outages in Africa frequently. The other day our power was out. There was no storm, no construction...we heard the last time this happened it was because someone cut the line to sell the copper wire inside. We get to pay the price with no electricity and limited water since we have to pump water in. The night it was out we were having a Braai (BBQ) and there was about 12 of us there. We put our 8 seater table out on the back veranda and lit candles all over the house. The boys were responsible for the braai, us girls stayed inside and made salad by candlelight and talked about funny things. When all was ready we gathered outside, Brooke and I sharing a plate as well as a seat with our limited dishes and furniture. The stars were so bright and I loved the feeling of being out there. The wind did begin to blow after an hour or so and our candles were snuffed out one by one. We came inside with only three candles left. The Price family took one into their side of the house, The three of us put one candle in our bathroom and us girls brought one and placed it on our side table. I felt like Laura Engels Wilder and I loved it. Brushed my teeth in the candle light and went to bed. Africa is great. NO matter where you are you can't get too relaxed, it always reminds me of our luxuries and getting back to basics.

Mom, Happy Mothers Day. Without you I don't know where I would be. You have been the source of so much encouragement in my life and you have never given up on me. You push me to the edge, ask me to go further than I have gone before. You believe in me more than I believe in myself, more than you believe in your own self. You are my momma, my friend, and I love you very very much. Thank you for everything you've sacrificed. Thank you for your long suffering, for hanging on even when I pushed you too far. There was no mistake in God placing me in your family, in your blood, and I thank Him for giving me to you. Know that I wouldn't have had it any other way. I love you so much!

Joy!

Real Love

2007-05-08T18:48:00.000+02:00

Today we were talking about God’s covenant with Abraham. In those days they used to cut a carcass in half and then the two parties involved in a covenant would walk together between and around the carcasses in a sort of figure eight fashion. They were symbolically promising, if you need anything I promise to take care of it for you, and if I need anything, you are promising to take care of it. If either of us doesn’t fulfill our end of the bargain the same be to that person as has happened to this carcass…they will pay the penalty for breaking this covenant by death. If you read in Genesis 15 it talks about God making a covenant with Abraham. They prepared the carcasses and cut them in half. Then Abraham fell asleep and while he was asleep the Lord in the form of a smoking firepot with a blazing torch passed between the pieces. He walked the covenant alone. He was saying, I will fulfill my end of the bargain, and if you don’t fulfill your end, I will pay the punishment. I alone with be responsible for the covenant I am making with you and you can hold me accountable. It was awesome to see God’s love in a new way that I hadn’t noticed before. I am finding myself more in awe of God and His design. He created us, gave us free will, needed justice over sin due to His holiness, so He paid the price for us. His love overflows. I can’t imagine not loving Him…not because it makes everything easy, but He has sacrificed everything, even His high position to keep us in communion with Him. We who are sinful, wretched people, He loves. Amazing!

Life is not cheap

2007-05-08T18:44:00.000+02:00

She was my friend, we used to live together, laugh together. We went shopping, talked about boys, and ate junk food…we did this all together. Now she was lying on that bed lifeless. She just died while I was standing there beside her and I didn’t know what to do. The Sister was there and began to spout off commands. “Somebody needs to call the Mortuary. Somebody needs to call her family and tell them what happened. We can’t just leave her like this, we have to clean her up, cover her, prepare her for the funeral home. You know they won’t take her like this. She is about to leak infectious body fluids.” Death was beginning to sink into my friend’s body and the Sister wanted us to act quickly but I just felt disgusted and angry. Why was she being so bossy? I couldn’t even let the grief welling up inside of my chest have any release. I wanted to cry, to wail, but we needed to prepare the body. We had nothing but a few bolts, some gauze wrap, and some cotton wool. We needed to keep her eyes closed so we placed the bolts over her eyes to keep them closed. We then took the gauze wrap and tied it around her head, from her chin to the top of her head to ensure that her mouth would stay closed. We then took the cotton wool and put it into her nostrils as well as in her ears. This was to ensure that no fluid could make its way out of her body. My friend was positive and I don’t mean her personality. No, she was HIV+ and the virus was still inside of her body. Any fluid excreted would be highly infectious to those around her. We straightened out her arms to make sure they didn’t stiffen in a strange position and then covered her with a blanket. She was gone, my friend was gone and the last image I had of her would be her wrapped in a bandage with bolts on her eyes and cotton up her nose. It was surreal and disturbing. My heart ached, why couldn’t we do any more for my friend? Why did death have to be like this?

“Okay” the Sister said, “Brooke, you can wake up now, you’re alive.” The role-play was over. We returned to our prayer circle with our lighted candle and Brooke joined us again feeling very rested and wishing she could crawl back into that bed. But as I sat there I was left with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and grief. “But why does death have to look like that?” I was disturbed still, thinking of my family in the community who had lost their mother, their father and most recently their 19 year old brother. Did they have to do this for them? Did they have to experience the ugliness of death? Our time in Barberton was bittersweet. We went to a place called St. John’s. It could be called a children’s hospice for all the children who are sent there to die, but it could also be called an orphanage for those children who were supposed to die but are still living, still thriving there and are the most beautiful children you might meet. The mixture of life and death on the campus was startling. On one side there was hope, on the other, comfort for the hopeless.

There was a misunderstanding so we came to play with the children but the Sisters had a workshop prepared for us on “Palliative care and Dying.” Sound depressing? It was. We talked for hours about death and dying. Wait, let me rephrase that. The Sister spent hours talking about death and dying. I wondered if it wasn’t a blessing for her for us to be there as she had so much to say and a flow of information spilled from her lips. A delightful little nun with stories to last a lifetime. She had been in South Africa for over 20 years working on this plot of land. It started out as a youth hostel and evolved over the years into what it is today. She has experienced more death than any of us could imagine. There had been 5 deaths in just the past two weeks on their property. Imagine what that must feel like to care and love for people you know are only in your presence to die. I’m not sure I could do that, but this is her calling and her church placed her there for a reason. She was in her mid to late sixties, originally from the States, Pittsburg to be exact. She played with them, sang with them.

It was such a strange thing…all these kiddos spoke English. Their little black faces, coming from the bush and yet growing up with American nuns had produced English speakers that were natives of South Africa. They called the 7 that had been there for years the magnificent 7. They were all meant to die. All had stories of triumph. One was found a few days old in a plastic bag in the middle of a field. She is a spit-fire. The stories are filled with rape, abuse, and extreme illness. They each have been at death’s door and returned victoriously. The strange thing was looking at these children and trying to comprehend that they were all sick, all with HIV, all on ARV’s, all fragile creatures. They spoke with confidence and joy.

Some of my thoughts while at St. Johns:
“This place feels blessed. The light overflows from the tops of the buildings and creates a fabulous aura. God is here.”
“This supportive group of little ones, forced to grow up fast. Their living is surrounded by dying and it is now normal”
“The pain is too big, too real, so she laughs. Oh Lord, protect her heart, hold it close, because she needs your comfort”
“The reality: these children are dying of AIDS, and they know it”
“Abandoned by death, unnatural to us, but this is their family”
“Is it desperation? Where is the love that leaves when it becomes too difficult? Why is it only important to stick together physically while emotionally they are strangers?”
“I hate death, it is an assault on everything we hold dear, or maybe I hate illness, the unexpected, the indifferent diseases, AIDS, those that rob of life”
“The disappearing children. Deterioration = loss of existence”
“Life is not cheap”

Prayer Please

2007-05-04T12:56:00.000+02:00

You know, the Enemy is at work telling lies and confusing things. I choose to believe that this is because he knows God is going to use us instead of the lie that I am feeling this way because God just can't and doesn't want to use me. We are in a difficult time right now and we need some prayers to be lifted. Farzam is having a really difficult time and needs encouragement from God. Please pray for him and for his family and that God's will would be evident and be done.

The enemy is a professional at what he does and sometimes it is so difficult to truly see what his intentions are until he has already made an impact. I refuse to let him have the victory, but his lies sound like truth sometimes. We watched that movie Joan of Arc the other night and I really felt that I was going through the same test that she comes to at the end of the movie, when the devil comes to her and tells her that she made it all up, that she was only following her own desires rather than God's. Wow...I am hearing these lies a lot lately and would like them to stop. Just pray for us, that Truth would prevail.

It's the weekend already, can't believe it. We are going to do some discipleship training this weekend and I am really looking forward to it. Also looking forward to church on Sunday, it's been a while since I have gone to church, officially anyways.

I will write more later on about my time in Barberton.

Love and Peace

Spoiled

2007-05-01T13:51:00.000+02:00

I am in a time of transition and I am finding it a bit strange. Being on Holiday for the past five days has really opened my eyes to the dual life that I am currently living. Last week I was taking care of children who had been abandoned and sick. Today I am sitting at the mall, drinking a latte and using the wireless Internet connection available. I feel strange. Although I miss my comfortable life, I also crave the exhaustion that comes from doing hard work. I am looking forward to Malawi very much. We are wrapping things up here so now we are doing a lot of planning and organizing...translated, a lot of sitting on our butts and talking. It is exciting stuff but at the end of the day I just want to distract myself from the reality that I am leaving my friends behind yet again, leaving my new family behind yet again, and on to do something alone, something that is going to be much more difficult than what I am doing right now. I'm nervous, and I hope I am prepared.

This morning I was praying that God would show me something, something big and glorious that I could bask in. Instead He humbled me with today's reading in My Utmost for His Highest. (Thanks so much Ann by the way!) He told me that I must trust Him and continue on. He told me that I wasn't looking for Him at all, that I was growing too attached to the big experiences with Him instead of just walking with Him in the day to day grind of life. Alright, I will do it...and that is where Trust is really apparent. He isn't enlightening me, do I still trust Him? He hasn't brought any outstanding words, will I still talk to Him? I don't feel the vision, will I still follow Him? I was challenged, questioned my love for Him. Do I love Him, truly, or do I love what He can do for me, in my life? I spent a good time in prayer after this and felt refreshed, sometimes you just gotta talk to Him and find encouragement knowing that He is listening. I am starting a 11 part study of Ephesians and am looking forward to being challenged again. Ephesians is a good book, challenging, but so good. I read through it this morning and was so thankful for Jesus, because of Him I have hope, only because of Him.

I am posting some more pictures today, I got my hair cut...exciting information huh?! :) Okay, I think I'll go. Hey, if anyone sees my friend Frank, tell him "hey" for me and "what's up G-funk" I miss him today and wonder how he is. Shannon, thanks for your letter, I got it and was so happy to get some mail. Jimmy, we're still in love...good! I'm glad we got to dance at Katie's wedding...

Love you all!

Toilet paper

2007-04-30T13:18:00.000+02:00

We have been on holiday since Friday and we still have today and tomorrow...lots of time for the restless Megan to think and obsess and create funny things inside of her head. Please pray for my thoughts and my heart, I continually need to fill them up with Truth to combat what I can fill them with myself.

So we went to a lodge on Saturday called Hannah Lodge. Brooke and I shared a chalet (which just sounds great huh?!). The Chalet was light yellow and had one of those thatched roofs on it that in the sun shines like a seal, it is beautiful. We had a great view of the valley and the game reserve that the lodge was sitting on. We arrived in the afternoon to barely catch the 4pm game drive. We sat on a stadium style seating truck that was completely open. We were going to drive through the bush to see what we could see. No lions are on the property but there are rhinos and a leopard and a bunch of other fun stuff that isn't too thrilling or scary. As we began the drive we found that the only animals we were capturing on film looked strangely familiar. They took the form of myself and Brooker and looked nothing like animals at all actually. We had a great time being silly sitting on the very top bench of this huge stadium style truck. The benches were shallow so we found ourselves sliding off and creating dangerous imaginative circumstances that never would come to be. We finally stopped to look at something amazing. Oddly enough the driver got off the truck and I wondered what was happening. He returned onto the truck carrying a handful of twigs..."Do you see the plant that I am holding here?" He asked as though this was to be a magic trick or something VERY important. "Feel it" he said as he began to pass pieces of his bush around to us in the truck. "can you feel how soft it is?" He waited for all of us to say yes, I was reminded of grade school. "This bush is the Toilet Paper bush. If you are in the bush and need to use the toilet, here is your toilet paper." It was so funny and actually one of the most impressive sights we say during the drive. It was all part of the adventure though, and that is what made it so great. It is becoming winter here so the drive was freezing. They passed out wool blankets to us before we left but it just wasn't enough to keep the cold out.

We decided to go on the morning drive as well. Get up at 6am for the 6:30 departure. This time I was prepared. Long sleeves shirt, Pants, sweatshirt, scarf, beenie, plus two blankets...I was still cold! Not what you imagined Africa to be like huh?! Me either. We saw a bunch of warthogs and I have decided that I like the warthogs the best so far. They are so little and think they are really fierce. They stare you down, and then when you get too close they run as fast as their little legs will take them. They remind me of my dog Jack. I LOVED THEM!

On our drive home we went to Blyde River Canyon, absolutely GORGEOUS! It was an adventure to say the least!

Love you!

Don't Worry

2007-04-26T14:18:00.000+02:00

Okay, I can be the first person to admit that I have my ups and downs and I usually put them right out there just in case anyone is interested, they know where I stand at the moment. Yes, each moment might be a little different...and I hope that that is okay.

I am feeling much better today. I talked to my mom last night on the phone and let her know what was going on inside of me. How wonderful it is that God gives us others in this world to be in relationship with. You know we must trust God, but He gave Adam Eve, he needed a help meet, someone to stand with him, and we all need people in our lives. I can get into this mind set that if I am trusting God I had better not discuss my problems or concerns with anyone else, but that doesn't seem right, and I don't think it is.

So today we went to a house in town called the Millennium House, we actually went there yesterday as well. This is a sort of half-way house for children under 6yrs that have been abandoned by their parents at the local hospital. There are about 11 children there and they are absolutely adorable. It was good to be there and spend some time with them. Lots of babies to cuddle with and I admit that the idea of adoption did enter into my mind. :)

Everyone on my team is going through struggles right now with the upcoming move. Farzam is really having a difficult time with his family's pressures to get him back home. I am just the usual emotional gal as always, and Brooke is trying to decide how long she is going to stay. Pray for all of us that we will know God's will in these things and have confidence in moving forward.

We have a holiday weekend this weekend and are hoping to maybe go camping together which would actually be a really nice thing. There is a place called Blythe River Canyon that is sounding like a good place to be. We'll see what we can do.

Anyway, just a quickie here...I posted some more pictures yesterday as well just to let you know.

Love

Can I come home???

2007-04-25T16:03:00.000+02:00

I am sitting here in the wilderness and understand that I need to make a choice to thank God anyways, to trust Him, to believe Him. Can I be honest with you right now and say that I want to come home? I want my mom...I want some comfort and something normal to count on. I think that Africa is my wilderness, where God has drawn me to take me away from my lovers, those I've depended on for my security. It is here that I wait for Him to be my comfort, my everything...because daily I am reminded that I have nothing without Him. There is an elephant sitting on my chest and I am struggling to breathe...why can't this just be easy? To trust God takes what? I am being stretched, maybe that is what I feel in my heart, stretching...

I am seeing people dying and I am getting angry. I forget what stage that is in the grieving process but anger is what I feel. So many sick and so many afraid of getting medical attention. The Sangoma sounds better to them, it is all they've known, all they've heard to trust in. A sangoma is a witch doctor by the way. We went to see this tiny little baby in Cork, a community by Hazyview. The baby was 9 months old and is skin and bones. He probably has meningitis, he also probably is HIV + by the looks of him. There are bumps all over this fragile little body and scabs behind both ears that the flies loved to feast on. I was disgusted, wanted to give him a bath and then kidnap him and take him to the Doctor's. He kept crying, the mother was desperate. We told her her baby would die if she didn't take him to the Doctors and she just got up and walked away. She knows...but she is filled with fear. Cork is a community that began as the place to send the bad Sangomas. The community is filled with oppression and it can appear to be completely hopeless.

On the flip side, after I spent part of my weekend in Cork we went to another Town near the Mozambican border and spent the night at a Hunting Reserve. I was in a movie...or maybe it just felt like i was in a movie. We dined by fireside, they served Impala sausages and chicken...you can guess what I ate. These men are serious hunters...serious. They live to kill and their den spoke volumes with the Elephant heads, stuffed LIONS, giraffe heads, and more hung all around the walls. They had Elephant stools which meant that they had used the foot of an elephant to make a stool...disgusting. Our Chalet had an Elephant trunk mounted to a wooden plate standing on the floor...you may not understand what the purpose was until you looked closer and saw the light bulb attachment on it...perfect lamp huh?! Wow...I was in a world that I had never enjoyed being a part of with all the dead stuff, but it was also amazing. Our chalet had a thatched roof and smelled like the hay on my grandparents farm. When I went to the main lodge in the morning what was standing there to greet me but a baby giraffe getting his breakfast out of a bottle. His name is Stripes and he enjoys sticking his head into the kitchen to find whatever food he can scrounge up. This was a delight! New experiences every day.

I decided that I am going to Malawi as planned. Got gave me a verse in Habakkuk I think about remembering the vision God gives in order for you to run with it. It said that it might seem like God is tarrying, but just to wait, because God is faithful...and I am holding onto this and walking confidently to Malawi unless God closes the door. I am excited about going but dreading leaving my friends here behind. This might be the exact move I need though.

Please pray for my heart. I am waiting on God, and I will praise Him in this storm, I WILL...it is a choice and I choose to trust Him, I just wish I felt better. Please pray that I would have discernment, that He would give me peace about what He is doing in my life...I need some peace right now. I miss you all too much right now and love you lots! Remember to appreciate the comfortable, because when it isn't there...you miss it! :)

Free

2007-04-17T20:43:00.000+02:00

Oh goodness, what can I write? I have been sitting at the computer for over an hour now responding to emails while laughing and crying over what you all have written. It is so great to hear from you and read your encouraging words.

I feel like I have been busy but I don't think I really have been, just my mind has been busy. We are getting ready to leave for our countries, can you believe it has been almost two months already? This Sunday I think marks the two month period. I am beginning to think that a year isn't going to be enough, but, one step at a time...don't worry Christine, Terri, JR...don't worry! :)

I got to meet with the CEO of Hands@Work for two days last week. He took us volunteers out just to get to know him a bit better and it was a great time. The first day he took us to a botanical garden. It was so lush and green and we sat in the middle of a grassy hill with water sprinklers all around us and we talked about the heart of God. I was challenged in such a huge way. He sat there asking us if we knew who God was, and my answer echoed in every part of my being, "No". Tears streamed down my face as He spoke, the sacrifices he has made for the lives of others, the sacrifice that God made for us when He died for us...and what was I doing? "Who do you say I am?" I heard Jesus asking me this question and my response was embarrassing. "Well, you are the judge, the avenger, the punisher, and I am not sure that you truly love me...I am not sure that I know you at all actually" I answered honestly, I wanted to be honest about this question. We had a chance to go and spend some time with God while walking through the park and I waited expectantly for God to give me a sign..."where are you God, speak to me." Our assignment was to go home and read Isaiah 58 and as I read my heart was broken as I had been asking God all day to show Himself to me, I was earnestly seeking Him. The first few verses spoke directly to me and I heard God saying, "Show me Megan, show me that you earnestly are seeking my will, show me." Oh that time with God was precious as I think for the first time I comprehended who God truly was, I mean, I think I really got it...not all of it, not all of Him, but I began to understand for the first time the real reality of a God, my God, and what it means that He is who He is. My Ramblings may not be making any sense but I left that afternoon overflowing with Joy at having been so blessed to be part of a life, a creation who's Master and Creator is also a lover.

The next day we went to a remote Mozambican refugee camp. What an outstanding imprint on my mind. A creche, which is a pre-school, for 54 kids, sized 10ft x 20ft. The only roof is a ripped piece of material, the only seats are four old tires. 54 kiddos stay all day in this small space. there is no toilet, no running water, no electricity, no toys...and this community eats meat once a year, there is no meat availability. It was amazing to meet the people, to build a small relationship with the teacher of the Creche, her name is Thelma, she is young, she is amazing.

I have two minutes, what more can I say? Have I told you how they say, "be free" here in Africa? Well, I will say it again, I love it...it speaks acceptance and honesty.

Be free my friends!

Negative

2007-04-10T19:20:00.000+02:00

Yes, I am negative today...and this was a blessing. As I sat in the chair the social worker that I have been training with explained to me HIV/AIDS. She asked, "have you any reason to believe that you could be infected by HIV/AIDS?" I looked her in the eyes and felt tears coming on, "Yes." I wondered if she had started to judge me. She continued to look me in the eyes, "have you taken part in any risky behaviors?" I answered in the affirmative again. I felt nervous. She was compassionate in her gaze. Megan, I want you to know that there is life no matter if you are negative or positive. I smiled but felt weak inside. Of course you can say that if you are negative...it means nothing to the one who is about to test. I thought of what my life would mean if I was positive. Would I be able to continue, would I feel hope? She asked me if I was ready and I said yes although I would have rather just run away and avoided the issue altogether. The nurse came in, she pricked my right middle finger and worked the blood to the tip. She placed a drop into two little plastic testers. I sat there and waited, Dorcas, the social worker, had her arm around my shoulder. She told me not to be nervous as she was shaking the test, trying to get it to work faster, past the number 2, past the number 1...I asked her if she was nervous, she said Yes. I knew she was in this with me, she was involved and I was glad, I needed her there for me. Finally the liquid made it past the 2, past the 1, and then a line was drawn on the C...Negative. Relief swept over my face, she smiled, we both laughed. It was great.

When I left she handed me a folded piece of paper. "Here's your love letter" she said. It was my testing sheet showing negative. It was a love letter, from God. How I have been so fortunate I don't understand, but I know that I was there, feeling the same way those I work with feel...all of the past, all of the regrets swelling in my mind, weighing down my heart..and then sweet releasing words, "You're negative." I wish they all received the same news.

Love and PEACE...oh and a little bit of grace as well :)

Pictures

2007-04-08T15:49:00.000+02:00

Hey All,

fixed this:

I was able to post a few pictures to my flickr account. I thought I would be able to do pictures on here but I haven't figured that out yet. My flickr account is www.flickr.com/christophersondaesysun I think. YOu can check them out!

I will have to write more later. Love you all! Happy Easter!

Disconnect

2007-04-04T21:01:00.000+02:00

This week has been a bit of a struggle. Bi-polar you could say, I have just self-diagnosed myself...I expected this to happen when I first arrived, and it did, but it has come back and I was hoping I was done with the emotional ups and downs. We have been doing a lot of workshops, which means we are at the ASM campus and folks are coming in to talk to us about their programs. Although it is a nice break I feel like I am sitting too much. Being relaxed sometimes is not a good thing. I would much rather return home exhausted, dusty, and ready for bed by 7pm. All the class time allows the mind to go a little crazy as well...if you know me you understand that this is just not a healthy place for me to be, I am obsessive enough already.
I was given the chance to share my heart yesterday at the Young Mums program. I had felt the Lord had laid it on my heart to speak to this group about my own personal struggles for love and acceptance. Many women here believe that since I have no children that I had lived a perfect life...I wanted to encourage them that their struggles are human struggles, not South African young women struggles. I broke down, I shared my heart, I encouraged them to go to God as I needed to...I read Hosea chapter 2 to them...I prayed that God would use my story, I hope He will.
Today I shadowed the social worker at the AIDS clinic that is right across the road from ASM. Her name is Dorcas. I was able to sit in on two VCT's, this means Voluntary, Counseling, Testing. Most people say VCT when they are getting tested for HIV/AIDS. The first I came into a man had just been told he was HIV+. He was older and said that He wasn't surprised, He was fine with it. I sat and thought about how I would feel and understood a fraction of what he must have felt...it rattled me. The second VCT was for an older lady. She was suffering from Cervical Cancer. I related to her, knowing that I might be sitting in the same chair someday, and my emotions were so involved in her story I started to feel faint. I was overwhelmed as she told of her bleeding. She was there to get some treatment for cancer but the clinic only serves HIV+ patients so insists that all that come get tested first...this is a good thing and somewhat forces patients to come face to face with their reality. It is tough, but necessary. Anyhow, she was sitting there, wondering if she had AIDS. She just wanted to know for sure. They speak with them first, ask them how they feel, what would they do if they were positive? They don't use gloves in this clinic...I have actually never seen anyone with Hands@Work using gloves. They pricked her with a needle and used two 5 minute tests that are about 95% accurate. They chatted with her while waiting for the results. One line on the C meant she was clean. A line on the C and the one means she would have HIV-1, a line on the C, the 1 and the 2 would mean a foreign strand of HIV-1 and HIV-2, something that is very rare. I was nervous. I saw the two plastic cases as they passed them over to the patient. "Do you know what this means?" The nurse asked her? A big smile came onto the nurses face, relief poured through my chest. She was negative! Every generalization I had formed was beaten down inside of me. It is easy to begin to believe that all of the Blacks here in South Africa are positive. The woman smiled and tears came into her eyes. She picked up the tests and looked closely and then insisted that she must be positive. "No, you are negative." She couldn't believe it, wouldn't believe it. The smile never left her face but there was shock showing as well. She had been protected. How wonderful it was to see that and what a good reminder. They are all individuals you know, and they all have different stories. It was a good day. We began the day having prayer in a little courtyard between two of the buildings. The sky was dark with grey clouds covering the sky. Mist poured down as the rich sounds of African Gospel flowed from the 40+ volunteers who surrounded me. What a beautiful morning it was. If I could capture the moment I would sent a bit of it to each and every one of you so you could experience true worship and the blessings I have every day I volunteer in the community. There is always beauty in the midst of the ashes. God's promises are faithful.

We are on vacation until this upcoming Tuesday, it will be nice to have a few days off and maybe get out to see some things. Maybe God's Window, a beautiful Mountain look out around here, maybe Kruger Park. We'll see what we have time for.

Please continue to pray, it has been so encouraging to hear from you all and the prayers you have prayed have met my needs exactly. Thank you for this!

Peace and love to you all! Niyabonga!

Exhaustion is a good way to know that you're tired

2007-03-27T20:47:00.000+02:00

Okay, so I have changed my settings so you all see your comments as soon as you leave them. I had them set to be moderated, but I see that this has caused some confusion and I hate to see you all in this confused state, so hopefully things will become easier after today! :)

Oh, this has been a LOOoong week already. Can I tell you a bit about it? Well, just so you know, I have a permanent tank top on, even when I am wearing a bathing suit. No, it isn't because I don't take the tank top off, I try to but no matter what, it is permanently on me...my skin to be exact, it's on my skin. I am a funny sight to see, tan, but not stylish tan, farmers tan tan. Try not to be jealous, especially since you are probably very white from the winter you are still in...but my tan comes from many hours walking the community in the hot sun...okay, you can be jealous, because it is amazing! Walking through the community is completely altering. Imagine the sound of music, but instead of short grassy mountains you are walking through tall itchy grass, red dirt under your feet, passing by a very occasional but beautiful orange flower, randomly placed by God to delight it's passerbyers. You walk up, up higher, the path is narrow and a bit slippery with the smooth dirt covering it. I wonder if any snakes are around, I walk a little harder...Somehow we are walking to a house, up on the hillside we find a woman, she is sitting under a tree on a woven mat, her small pillow is bright fuchsia, she has a ceramic pitcher with water next to it and a single avocado. She is old, a wonderful sight to see in a community of children, she is dying. We speak with her a bit. Well, the nurse speaks with her, I look on and offer as many smiles as she will accept. David, the nurse, passes her an oral thrush medication. She says she aches all over. When she coughs she feels like her chest will split in two. Probably has TB. We give her cough syrup and some pain medication, basically Ibuprofen. David asks me to pray for her. I was overwhelmed by the thought, what do I say? I kneel next to her and pray for her healing, believing that it is possible, believing that God can do what He has done before. I get up hoping that she will get up as well and look better, she sits there and looks out into the distance. I wonder if my faith is too small to make anything happen. We walk away and I feel discouraged, I am so inadequate....I am reminded that my inadequacy doesn't matter. I never had any strength anyways. BUT, God is completely adequate, and His power is able to do anything. Check yourself Megan, whose power are you trusting in? I try to remember, to rest in God's power as we walk to the next house. The sun is high and hot, my skirt is uncomfortable in the heat, it is long. I wish for a wide brimmed hat to protect my eyes as I look down at the path. We walk through the grass and up by some big rocks that are designed with textures caused by running water at one time passing over them, the words "Car Shop" have been sprayed onto them. We all chuckle a bit as these rocks are where no car would ever be able to drive. Walking a little further I see a small bunch of cacti growing in the cracks of these rocks. I smile and think of home. My first Cacti sighting in Africa. The next patient is a man, old as well. His eyes are glossy and I wonder if he is going to cry. He is wearing a paper thin pink oxford with grey pin-striped pants. His thin body is sitting on a wooden bench, his arms resting on his knees. He says his whole body aches, his back, his hips. He appears to be in pain, wanting some rest as he looks into my eyes. I want to hold him, comfort him. We give him cough syrup and David asks me to pray for him. His name is Jensen. I go and kneel next to him, a hand on his shoulder, another on his wrist. I pray for his healing, for his comfort, for peace. Please God, show him in his heart your love. As I sit back down in my seat David tells me that most of the patients believe that when I lay my hands on them that they will be healed. Pressure, Inadequacies, powerless....but God, remember, God is powerful, adequate, He is able. I struggle to remember and hope that the patients are not too let down as a miracle has not happened...yet, not in my presence at least. But God does things in His time, not ours.... This was my struggle throughout the day, and I am thirsty, hungry, hot, overwhelmed. God please send your peace.
Our last patient of the day. I walk into the room made out of tin and covered by newspaper and then sheets to make walls. Her body is topless, I can only see her back as she is seated on the floor on a mat. A thin mat, covered with plastic and then a thin sheet. The room smells of urine. She is stocky in build and her head covered in short beautiful grey hair. She is wearing a skirt, she has a towel bunched between her legs. She is beautiful, her skin fresh looking, moist. Her daughter covers her with a towel around her shoulders. She has had a stroke and her right side is not working. Wonderfully her small voice is heard, she just had regained her ability to speak. I smiled, it was beautiful. She spoke to us, brooke and I, as if we understood Saswati, as if we understood her story. No one could lift her, so she lived on this mat. Her low back was beginning to get bed sores, she had been constipated for over two weeks, she had to sit in her own urine. She receives a pension, her children steal it before she can use it. She needs some adult diapers, she needs transport to the clinic...what she needs is for someone to love her and care for her, but she is just a bother. Brooke and I both lay our hands on her to pray, as I pray out loud I feel her leaning into me, leaning into the prayer, leaning into the touch and I felt overwhelmed by her need, her desire. She wanted so much to be healed, so much to be touched, loved. An ache still lies in my chest when I think of her. When we walked away I wondered who would be there to take care of her. Oh God, please take care of her, please be her comforter.
My heart aches with each story I learn, each face I am able to see in pain. We had a prayer meeting last Friday morning and asked those volunteers to come in the middle of the group for us to pray over them. We had chosen to meet at one of the preschools for orphans called k2. As we started to pray one of the volunteers went inside the school room and brought out the baby, four more little bodies followed her, she brought them into the middle of the circle. They were sick, they needed healing. Oh I cried, to think of these children, orphans, younger than 4...sick. This is the usual, the typical, the devastating. Please pray for these people, this country, this continent. Pray that I would allow the love of Jesus to flow out of my every pore.

I have been homesick, just recently struggling with my emotions more than usual. It has been a month already, I hoped I would be more settled. I suppose it can change from day to day. I woke this morning to the news that my Gramps passed away yesterday, the one who I thought for a while was Korean, the one who gave me my eyes, my pouty lips, my red skin. This strong invincible man is no longer here on earth and my heart aches, for my family, for my pops, for my grams. I remember his huge hands, he was so strong, he could do anything...my father takes after his abilities. It is difficult not to be there, but God has a design and I wonder if my heart could take it? I was devastated when Seth was gone...maybe it is best for me to be here? Actually, I know that it is best because this is where I am supposed to be. But pray for my family, this was unexpected and painful. I am thankful that Gramps knew God, that he is in a better place for sure. I loved my Gramps and will miss him. I am thankful for who he was!

Monkeys are a little tricky

2007-03-17T19:23:00.000+02:00

There is a gardener who works on our property during the day...he told us a little story. Once upon a time there was a house with a bunch of ignorant foreigners living there. They liked to leave the doors open to get fresh air in the un-air conditioned house. One day when the Canadians were at home and the Americans had already left a sneaky little monkey decided to come inside. He found the kitchen counter was covered with fruit. He took a bite out of an Apple, blech he thought, so he tossed it down and went for an apricot instead, yeesh, he didn't like that either. He tossed the apricot down and decided to go through the cupboards and was delighted to find a mango the size of a human head. it was nice and ripe, he could tell....whoops, is someone in the house he thought? He heard a noise and some yelling from outside the house as well. He scooped up his prized mango under his arm and headed for the door. He made it outside with just enough time to climb up the tree and look down and scoff at the gardener who was scolding him. He was so happy he found his very large mango. The End

I will give you one guess as to whether that was a true story or not...but I think you should have it all figured out. Haha...what a funny thing huh?! I have been bummed that I haven't seen any monkeys but I was very lucky to see a family of them running down the road yesterday evening. I was taking a little test spin in the backwards manual vehicle and saw these little creatures running down the road ahead of me...they were like a menacing gang of really small hairy things...I will need to get a close up look to feel satisfied.

Things have been getting better and better! I have been realizing that I am in the exact place that I have always wanted to be. This is huge! Whenever the day is challenging, the extreme heat, the lack of comprehension of anything going on around me, the thirst, the bugs, I think, oh yeah, but I am experiencing all of these things because I am doing something with my life. I am pursuing my passions as well as trusting God for the first time in my life by stepping out into the unknown. It is an adventure. I wake every morning to the sun rising over mountains filled with little brick houses all along the side. I imagine those living in the community, my family I lived with. I see the smoke rising from an outside stove or from burning grass. The wind blows softly, the dirt is stirred up from a buggy driving down on the left side and then I breathe a breath of some of the freshest air I have breathed before. Oh yes, I am in paradise.

My mind has gotten muddled with the training. We have workshops and people coming in to speak with us about culture and language barriers, the programs and the models. It can be a distraction from what I am here for and then I get caught up in the perfect missions model. I avoided reading missions books before I came for a reason, I didn't want to get filled with all the "shoulds", I wanted to DO. But I am seeing the value, the barriers to ignorance, and that is a good thing. We have days of workshops and then days to go out with those working with Masoyi Home Based Care. This past week Monday through Wednesday was spent at the school. Thursday I went out with a Child worker (a social worker) and walked the dusty streets with her in the community. What an experience! We walked everywhere in the intense heat and humidity. She brought an umbrella, you see them everywhere here. I need a hat! A nice straw hat because holding the umbrella takes a hand away from protecting myself if I fall on the steep dirt paved slopes of the community. Can you picture it? I am on a mountain, or a hill rather. The community isn't in a valley and where I live is not flat. The roads are steep and if you have been to Jerome you have seen an exaggerated Masoyi community. We went to a home where the grandmother was taking care of an 11 year old child. The mother had died in 2003, she was born in '79. Do the math and it is devastating. Ben was born in '79...I can't even imagine. The father was unknown. These families aren't getting support, no aid other than from our agency. The age for a woman to receive a pension is 60, but when she turns 60 she is put on a waiting list. This grandmother was 62 and still waiting for support. The other house we went to was a little boy living with his Auntie. She wore a skirt with another skirt wrapped around trying to hide her legs. There were sores everywhere, like her legs had been infested. She was sick, possibly with AIDS although it is not spoken of. She was uncomfortable with me there, and I as well. I felt like an outsider spying on her life, exploiting her struggles as I sat there not knowing anything to say. I just sat and watched. I felt completely useless. Their bathroom was made out of a large metal container. It was an over sized cylinder with ridges like a potato chip with a little breathing hole at the top. They cut a strange door out of one of the sides and that is the design of their toilet. It is shocking, and yet I have heard that these people living comfortably compared to those outside of south Africa. The other African countries, that is where you see real poverty. I can't imagine.

Today we volunteered with the youth program. We drove in a bus to pick up the kids with some loud beautiful Saswati gospel music streaming out of the speakers. The first girls got in and danced in the aisle singing at the top of their lungs. No, they weren't perfect singers, but it was beautiful. You don't have to have a superstar voice to sing in Africa, you just need a little passion...it's wonderful. The windows were down, wind in my face and hair and we are driving up and down through the Masoyi community, picking up the kids as we go and the bus grows to be a huge party bus. Children from 8 - 22 filling the seats and Aisles, Gogos as well...we were all there. I watched as the other children, those left behind, looked on with curiosity. I wondered who was reaching out to them, who was supporting them and leading them. Who was teaching them how to be successful at life? The front of the bus was loaded with loaves of bread and two sewing machines. We were going to work. Life skills, teach them how to support themselves and you will teach them how to survive. The girls learned beading, sewing and hair dressing. Two girls, Fortune and Goo Goo had sweet new styles by the time we left. I bought a necklace and made two bracelets, humbled by the youngest girls totally surpassing my abilities in beading. The boys spent the ENTIRE day outside strategizing their soccer game later that day. The boys are SERIOUS about their soccer! The music vibrated out of the kitchen and into the room where we worked on our tasks. The kids were dancing, there was joy all around and the only sad faces came from...well, I don't think there were any sad faces. It was a completely exhausting day. The heat was unbearable, I smell all the time...seriously! Taking a shower means that I must go to bed on time and wake up before my roomie. If I wake up after it means I must sacrifice something, either eating or my devotions. I haven't found a way to fit it all in yet, so this only increases my stench. :) Gotta love it! This is Africa by the way, it's okay! (TIA) everyone says that here...you will hear it in Blood Diamond as well.

Ahhh....what else can I tell you? Well, I had my first adventure driving. They driving on the opposite side here, I hadn't even thought of that when I came but they all use Manuals as well. Thanks pops for the Jeep when I had it! Invaluable! But the shifting happens on the left, and the blinker is on the right, and the windshield wipers are on the left...and have I mentioned that this place is in the steep mountains? Hill starts terrify me, just getting off the freeway terrified me...that was NOTHING compared to what I have to do here. You need to be in 4x4 all the time. So I decided that I would drive for the first time ever today to the grocery store and then here. Three strangers wanted to come along and none of them know how to drive or have a license. This meant that I was in control. Me, the one who knows absolutely nothing about the town or where to go or how to do those tricky hill starts. I stalled out once. Only once is pretty good. They directed me to go the opposite way through a one way and I receive a scowl and a muttered "stupid" I am observant so I saw it. I had to laugh it off as an adventure but goodness it is very nerve-racking! We made it, all in one piece but I did have to tell the whole care how un-helpful it was to receive instructions from all of them at the same time...all saying different things of course, that is how I ended up going the wrong way in the first place. It caused a little tension actually, but so it goes.

I have written a book, I apologize but I read every one's emails and decided just to blog rather than respond to everyone this time. A few things: 1)HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINE! 2) My address is on my profile page here on the blog, SEND ME MAIL! :) 3) ummm...that might have been it actually. Oh, but please pray for the team of us as volunteers. there have been some tense times, they all have issues, not me :) But we need to be in unity and God just keeps telling me to LOVE...so pray that love would abound in our house as we learn how to deal with conflict. Pray for the community. There are so many spiritual powers at work that are not from God and they are in bondage. Pray that the message of Christ will be salve and peace to wounded spirits and fearful lives. Pray that I would not forget my purpose for being here, that I would not be afraid to embrace, that I would stop comparing and trust that the Love of God is on me already. Pray that my heart would be broken daily, that I would not shut off the overflow of emotions out of embarrassment, that I would be raw and moldable before God. Thank you all for your continual support! I am growing to love Africa, the people, the food, the experiences...but I am reminded daily that this is not an experience, this is a life. I in no way want to glorify this as an experience, commercialize it, or minimize the lives of the people here. They will not leave this place thinking it an experience, it is a life, it is reality and we all need to be aware that for many there is no escape, no hitting rock bottom, no one year only commitment. I want to remain sensitive to this.

Love you all!

Snakes on a what????

2007-03-03T18:33:00.000+02:00

Week 1:

I am here now, and finally begining to settle in a bit. Honestly I have been struggling, wondering what in the WORLD I am doing here and praying that if I shouldn't be here, for God to let me go home. No, I don't really want to go home, but I don't want to feel this pit in my heart, this lump in my throat and the fear that I've had either. God has blessed, I know this. I had a row to myself on the plane out here...the whole way here and slept like a professional without the help of anxiety meds or sleeping pills, nice! I met some shady characters at my hotel the night in Jo'berg but they actually gave me someone to talk to as well and I received a coffee and "special drink" (maybe coke and lime) from each and was glad for conversation.

The flight to Nelspruit had an unexpected blessing as the man I sat next to on the shuttle to the plane, after I had asked him the time, and after he asked me where I was headed, said "hello Megan, I'm Marc...from Hands@Work".... I was a bit concerned at first as to how he knew my name but found that he snuck a peek at my boarding pass and put the peices together. My heart was put at ease on the small plane ride to Nelspruit and was even more overwhelmed as I stepped from busy chaos of Jo'berg onto the peaceful and pleasant soils of Nelspruit. We landed on an airstrip in the mountains, green everywhere and it was misting...always a blessing from God when it rains.

We arrived at my accommodations, me a bit shell shocked and in desperate need of a bed. My housemate and fellow volunteer, Farzam (whom I call Shaz as I can't pronounce his name correctly), met us at the schoolhouse where we were staying. It was just the two of us that first night and we actually bonded quite well. The schoolhouse was pretty empty, open downstairs with two bathrooms and a kitchen. Up the very steep stairs to the top floor was where we would stay, boys on the right, girls on the left. Our rooms smelled strongly of urine and the building was built of wood. Three beds in each room and not even as much space as my room back home...I wasn't too impressed but figured it wasn't about comfort, right?! The view from the balcony made it better though, a look out onto all of the Masoyi community and the sky bigger than I have seen before. It was beautiful. I wasn't happy to hear that we weren't in a gated area, the gate was a few 20 feet away surrounding the family that was volunteering with us and a couple of other local families. We were on the outskirts. I also found that there were bats, squirrels and I believe rats in our attic...fun noises coming through the slanted ceilings above our beds. I was terrified! The roof was tin and it rained the first two nights...I loved the sound and got to hear much of it as I laid awake, terrified of what might happen during the night. We have to alarm ourselves in at night...I learned that there have been a series of breakins within the area, especially our Christian campuses as the robbers had no need to worry about guns...my anxieties rose higher and higher. I also learned to walk hard...so that the Cobra's knew I was coming...can you just believe I wrote that?! Cobras!!!! Yeck, yep, terrified!

I made fast friends with the family of James and Megan and there three girls, twins Kayla and Gigi both three, and their youngest, Valen, who is two. They have been the joy of my heart with their love, hugs, and girly screams. I thank God that they are here as they make everything feel like home. Through some amazing events they were able to move down to the School of Missions, about a 7 minute walk down the road from the schoolhouse and we were able to move into the house right inside the electric fence. I miss them being so close but both our groups are relieved to have more security. The house has yellow, orange, blue and brown rooms...a backyard veranda, a washing machine (thank God) two bathrooms, four bedrooms, a kitchen, dining room, living room...it is WONDERFUL! And there are three big dogs who live within the gate that love to protect. There are two guava trees right outside the front door which just tickles me...they taste like grapefruit too...which you all know I LOVE!

Brooke, the last of us singles arrived on Tuesday night, she is my girl partner and my roommate now. It's nice to have a girl to talk to and has been encouraging to me these past few days. I was doing okay at first, but the tears have been flowing. A spirit of fear has been in my heart and I have really needed to begin to trust God and release that stronghold...God is good though, and has been speaking peace to me.

They drive on the left here, you have to pay for bags at the Pick 'n Pay (our grocery) cell phones are called cells, a phone will cost you less than $30...wonderful! The people are beautiful, HIV doesn't look like what you might think, you call the grandma's Gogo's, You address the older women with Ma before their name..."good morning Mabeauty". They like instant coffee, there is tea time at 10 and 2, we go to bed when the sun goes down (around 7 or 8), there is electicity, I am sitting in a mall, life still goes on....

I saw a Zebra, no Monkey's yet...I hope to get some pictures soon but my camera has been locked away for safety's sake...I've got it now and need to start snapping the pics. I got tomorrow to live in the Masoyi community for four days. I will live in a child-headed home. the parents have died, and they children are left to survive on their own. I hope to bring love and FUN. It is a scary thing, no electric fences there, no dogs to protect, possibly no bed to lay in or shower to clean in or bathroom to use. The clean water is limited and the resources very few....this is to make their life reality for me, and I pray that God will teach me and that I will be open enough to learn. I don't want to be too scared to hear from Him, you know?!

Pray for me...I need some peace so I can start loving on people without fear.

Trust in God with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he will direct they paths Proverbs 3:5&6 - The speaker brought me a card with this verse written on it, he said the Lord had laid it on his heart to give me...God is asking me to trust Him, and I am going to...just you watch! :)

LOve YOU!!!

Drum Roll Please

2007-02-21T19:46:00.000+02:00

I just paid off one of my student loans, oh beautiful bliss...this loan has been a chain around my neck causing many obsessive characteristics in Megan to surface, it's true, it hasn't been pretty...
this loan was not defer-able, not consolidate-able, and the interest rate could be whatever it felt like being. I paid on it while I was in school and I would have to pay on it if I had gone into the peace corps (a big reason why I didn't go after college) and I would have needed to pay on it while in Africa. This loan was no respecter of persons, it just wanted it's money. Well, no longer can you have your grasp on me Mr. loan #1 as I referred to him in my budget, you are gone. Good riddance!

I also had my crown placed today and it is beautiful. If anyone wants to see it before I go be sure to stop by and I will let you take a look! :)

thanks for the prayers! All seems to be going smoothly!

Packing for American Women

2007-02-20T16:33:00.000+02:00

Okay, let's see here...Do I need this shirt? Oh yes, definitely, it will be helpful during those colder months to have a long sleeved shirt like this one. What about this one? Well, the color is a little deeper, more brilliant, I will feel better in this shirt, so yeah, I've got to bring this one as well. Well, what about these other ones? Well, yeah, I think I am going to need all of them, you know, you can never be too prepared!

Inventory:
Red long sleeved shirt, Check
Deeper Red long sleeved shirt, Check
Red and White long sleeved shirt, Check
Red shirt with bow, Check
....
Jeans, Check
Dark blue jeans, Check
Light blue jeans, Check
Ratty blue jeans, Check
...
Green sweater, Check
Tan Sweater, Check
Red Sweater, Check
Blue sweater, Check
....
One more red long sleeved shirt, just in case, Check

Ugh, this is impossible! I think I need everything and I can honestly justify it ALL! I am usually the girl who packs just enough, and not for looking good, but just to have clothes on my back, and usually I develop this "Ugly Betty" complex as EVERYONE else looks cuter than I do. I am not sure why I feel it is necessary to look cute in Africa, but the thought is a little comforting, I mean, who knows what the situations will be, at the very least I can look cute while I am in them, Right? Before you all judge me as the shallow girl that I know that I can be, just remember that you would be thinking the same things, but I will fess up to them, I can be honest, okay?! :)

So, I might be doing some re-adjusting of my bags, getting rid of a few red long sleeved shirts, MAYBE...depends on how I am feeling when I do my do-over of the packing, but don't hold me to it! Yeah, this is difficult, have you ever tried packing for a year and fitting in all into two pieces of luggage that don't weigh more than 50lbs? I would like to hear how you did since you obviously think I am ridiculous by this point!

Just livin' the dream....

For Jimmy

2007-02-20T16:29:00.000+02:00

"Arise, shine" Isaiah 60:1

"We have to take the first step as though there were no God. It is no use to wait for God to help us, He will not; but immediately we arise we find He is there. Whenever God inspires, the initiative is a moral one. We must do the thing and not lie like a log. If we will arise and shine, drudgery becomes divinely transfigured."
~The Initiative against drudgery, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers~

I wish I had read this before we went to coffee, but it totally applies to our conversation! Go ahead, Arise, Shine! :)

Freedom in many forms

2007-02-19T01:55:00.000+02:00

I know I know, it has been a while...I have been busy wrapping some things up and feel that I can shout now, FREE AT LAST, free at last, Thank God almighty, I'm free at last! It hasn't quite set in yet but I knew that it was a special thing to my spirit to be free of University of Phoenix. All you who still work there, you are there for a reason, but I felt that my spirit was being squashed there and I am so happy to be free of the money mentality. It has been 2+ years in the making and I stuck it out, but Thank You Jesus that you said OK, you can leave now!

So, a bit of an update - I did get medical coverage so prayers have been answered! It was a no stress type of thing with this new plan, they didn't ask any details on preexisting conditions so that was a bit of a relief. Although they still do not cover any preexisting conditions they couldn't rule me out due to past health issues. It was also almost $200 dollars less than the other plan, and this was a blessing as well. Keep the crown in your prayers, I go in for that this Wednesday...

Last Sunday we had a special time at the Gathering service with prayer and a bit of a "Megan presentation". It was an encouragement to see people's interest in my upcoming year as well as an outpouring of love and prayer. Honestly I wasn't sure how the evening was going to go...I find it difficult to ask my peers for support. I think I have sadly come to the thought that my generation is one without passion and I expect that no one will be interested or see the need for what I am called to do, but I am completely wrong in this. This is an area that I need to work on in my thinking. I hate it when others place me into a box and decide who i am without my input, but I all too often find myself doing exactly that with others and it isn't right and it isn't fair. The Gathering as a whole gave an outstanding amount of support, both financially and in prayer and I am thankful, so Thank you! Just stands to remind me to never underestimate anyone.

Okay, so I am going a bit out of order with my updates, but hopefully it all comes through okay ...just bare with me :)

Another huge blessing came to me this week in the form of a digital camera. I knew about this for a while but received it this week as a gift from a long time friend. Amazingly I had not expressed my want of a digital camera to anyone but only wrote it down in a list and the very next day received the news that this particular person felt led to buy a camera for me. It is great and I love the camera. I will now be able to post pictures of my trip and keep you all up to date with the latest fashion trends of Africa! :) Thank you so much for this! You have been a reminder of God's mysterious ways.

Emotional Update - I have been saying a lot of goodbyes...this isn't fun. I am hoping that there are no expectations of the goodbyes as I am worn out. I feel numb...and I am also at peace. A strange combination I must say, but I am not sad to leave behind what i have here...I am sad to leave those that I love - but I know that you aren't going anywhere, I know that those who love me will still love me throughout this year and will still be here when I return...all the rest - it isn't enough to make me stay, so I don't feel sad to leave. I need to do this and I am so excited to go and move into a place where I feel God has clearly led and directed me to. I get afraid when I think of all the possibilities, all of the unknown, but those things are also exciting and fill me with thoughts of adventure, challenge, and struggle. I love that stuff, always have. If it isn't hard, well then I'm usually not too interested. Ohhhh....why am I saying all of this?! I am just ready to go, but I cannot clearly communicate it all or describe the myriad feelings inside of me.

Last night and today in all of the services at Word of Grace Pastor Gary prayed for me. I went to each of the services and took part in the worship before the prayer and then was able to leave. At each service I left with tears in my eyes over the same songs. I felt that I was finally able to release some of the emotions I have been storing up inside of me and was relieved to cry. A man in the band played his ??Clarinet?? and played a beautiful arrangement of Amazing Grace. The solo started with high sweet tones plunging to deep clear sounds and I imagined myself freely dancing before my Savior, expressing finally outwardly my inner joy at his complete acceptance and overwhelming love for me. It was personal and private, the bride with her groom basking in His love and hearing His tender voice speak of the great Grace that He has given to her, a fallen woman, an adulterous woman who desperately seeks a true love, one true love. Oh the joy to know that I have found Him and that He accepts me as I am...and I danced with flowing garments of rich colors of boldness and redemption before Him. I danced to show Him my love for His Amazing Grace and I was filled with joy, it radiated out of my spirit and shone in His presence, and I loved Him...I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see. It was a sweet moment with Jesus!

This upcoming week will be spent packing and giving things away :) I am excited to downsize and de-clutter. Watch out Goodwill, your trucks will be filled to the top!

My Anchor holds

2007-02-11T17:40:00.000+02:00

Am I controlling? I would never label myself as a controlling person, although I have been told that I have these tendencies. You know what? They are revealing themselves in outstanding ways these past few weeks, especially the last couple days. Depression, anxiety, fear...all for me symptoms of my control. I am finding myself struggling to hold on to everything that I am leaving. Relationships especially - actually only relationships. I really could care less about the material things that I have - I find little pleasure in having great shoes or stunning clothes other than hoping that someone else who cares may think I have done a good job with my outfit. If it was up to me it would be sweats all day everyday - that's it, that is my comfort zone...but it is the people I love that I am afraid of losing. I am struggling, fighting God for control of these areas that I never had a hold on in the first place. Please don't leave me, please don't forget me...and I shrink inside, forgetting my passion and all the things that have brought me to this place, and consider for a moment giving it all up to not have to lose control and embrace the uncertainty that comes from absence.

It is a strange place to be in, leaving all of those relationships that you have held so dear and finding that they may not be what you thought and having to choose to follow God either way. Some people may stay, and I pray that they will stay, but some may go and my heart aches for this possibility. It is all "what ifs" again and there is no way to know for sure. But one thing I do know for sure is the one that I could truly not live without will never leave me. That is what I am trying to focus on, that He will never leave me - and He is the giver of life, hope, peace, LOVE...He is the source.

In times like these, you need a Savior, In times like these you need an anchor, be very sure, be very sure Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock, In times like these I have a Savior, In times like these I have an anchor; I'm very sure, I'm very sure My anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock! This Rock is Jesus, Yes, He's the One; This Rock is Jesus, The Only One! I'm very sure, I'm very sure My anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock! - Ruth Caye Jones

Barriers and Prayer Requests

2007-02-08T00:43:00.000+02:00

So a few things have come up that have formed some concerns in my progress of going to Africa. Yesterday I went in to the dentist to find that the intense gum pain I was having was a result of a poorly placed crown I had put in over 6 years ago, they had to take the old crown out and put in a temporary until they are able to put the permanent crown in on the 21st...the day before I leave. Please pray that this crown will be successful and there will be no complications as I will not have dental coverage while in Africa.
Also, today I received a call from the health insurance company and found out that I was denied coverage with the plan they thought was best for me due to the health issues I have had throughout my life...they said that there were too many and chose not to accept my application. This was actually a big concern of mine so stress overwhelmed me when I was told this. I thought that I was clear when I was approved to go by my medical doctor and did not ever consider the insurance company, so my fears have grown about this area of the preparations. There is another plan that I can apply for, so please pray that this application is accepted. It actually costs less money, but the coverage is not as broad as the other one. Please pray for my health, pray that I won't even need to use my health insurance while in Africa and if I do, pray that the coverage is sufficient for my needs.
These things are actually small and are all based in the "what if" area, but seem very big as my departure date approaches. Please join me in prayer as these things are still in the process of being worked out.
Otherwise, I have my tickets to get to Nelspruit, South Africa...I have my clothes, I am raising the support, my visa is in progress but not to be worried about...I guess I don't need to worry about any of it right?! God is in control, He is able to work things out and trust is the main thing right now, it is always the main thing...but please pray, that my fears would be calmed and that these areas of concern would be resolved

Much thanks!

Explanation

2007-02-06T01:00:00.000+02:00

I wanted to write a bit about what I will be doing over the next year as there seems to be some confusion as to what the plans are. So...here's an explanation of sorts!

I will be volunteering with an organization called Hands at Work (H@W). This is a Christian Home Based Care agency based in South Africa. It operates out of the Africa School of Missions. The base is in the Northeast region of South Africa, 4 hours from Johannesburg and about 20 minutes from Kruger National Park. I will spend my first three months working in South Africa with ASM and the Masoyi Community, a home based care community that H@W was modeled after in South Africa. My first three months will be a time of Orientation as well as going over practical theology (love this), cross-cultural communication and discipleship/support. We will also be doing ministry with Masoyi and preparing for our individual field work.
The next 9 months are bit less specific. For all of you Type A personalities you may find this vague and uncomfortable but there is no specific plan for the last 9 months. I will be at one of six potential field sites using any and all kinds of skills such as administration, nursing, building, and people skills. I will be there to meet the needs of the community and the design is not specific...this is a chance to allow God to stretch as well as Him to use us in the areas that we might have the most strengths. I love this, but it does make it difficult to tell you all what I am going to be doing. I will be practically serving and loving others...that's as specific as it gets right now!
If you have any questions just let me know, I want people to understand what I am doing, but also understand that all is not known at this point in time...

Love

The Author and Finisher

2007-02-01T17:41:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I received $5,300.00 in support. Yes, you read that correctly...in one day almost half of my support came in through a few wonderful people. You may never suspect where or who, how or why...but God comes through, every time! I just sat and wept...and then wept some more. I don't understand...I am so unworthy to be doing God's work...but He just keeps saying "Yes, I have chosen you to do this."

The time is getting closer and closer, only three short weeks and I will be boarding that plane and taking the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken. You should feel glad to know that I am very excited about this...I thought that I might feel dread, but I think the reason why I keep doubting the trip is because I want to do it so badly I feel that I must be doing something wrong. God doesn't let us do stuff we enjoy...right?! :) But, in fact, He does!

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of
witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily
ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before
us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our
faith" Hebrews 12: 1,2

"Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,
and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be
dislocated, but rather be healed" Hebrews 12: 12, 13

I asked for one bird, and I received three

2007-01-31T00:30:00.000+02:00

God has been good...I see His design, His plan for Africa as I look back over the past two years of my life. Funny how some things just seem to be random, but later you find that they had a clear and direct purpose.

I am feeling a bit...odd today. I met with some friends for lunch, good people who I know care about me and my trip. We spoke about preparing for the upcoming plans that God has and the more we spoke the more I felt uncomfortable. I know that God has led me to the place I am in, and He is clearly making a way for my journey to Africa, but an overwhelming feeling of insecurity grips me from time to time and I feel that I need to Become...Become a different kind of perfect person, become a better kind of Christian...become. This is something I have struggled with throughout my lifetime, feelings of being a chameleon, always wanting to be sure I looked the part and getting caught up in the legalism that places chains on my wrists an ache in my heart...I feel swallowed by it sometimes, and today especially.

I think it is very easy when doing a specific "God thing" to tend to feel the need to use "God words" and "God phrases"...as Christine and I joke around about children in Sunday School who answer "JESUS" to every question, as they have heard that as the correct answer for so long, they don't even understand the question, they just know it has got to have Something to do with Him.... I don't want this to be the way I live my life or the way I live this next year. I want to be genuine. I want to be real. I want to BE not become.... and this does not mean that I don't want to grow and change and allow God do the work in me that He has begun, I want to be molded as God wills...but as God wills...not as I will myself.

Prayer request - that God would comfort my heart, that I would know that He has not asked me to be anyone other than myself, and that He would do the work through me...that I would let go of any thoughts that I am supposed to know how or have the power to do any of this on my own.

God truly is a good God. He gave me a gift this weekend. He gave me three birds rather than one, and a canary singer to boot...what a sweet, sweet sound those words were to my heart. God loves His children, and He loves us abundantly..."I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly" John 10:10

Conversations with Africa

2007-01-24T18:23:00.000+02:00

I spoke with Carly yesterday. She is the girl that I have been working with directly over in South Africa during my application process. She is from Australia and has been in SA for the past 18 months. She has a beautiful accent with a mixture of Australian and the British English! She told me more about the other volunteers. The two that were pioneered the Footprints in Africa program last August are both from a church called Bethel in Fargo, North Dakota. This struck me as interesting as I was born in Fargo, and went to Bethel University...Carly told me that my accent was the same as theirs...BIG disappointment and not the accent I had in mind for myself. :) I was told when I returned from Romania that I had a Romanian accent, funny story, but I would much rather it be an exotic Romanian accent than the good old Fargo accent that is much mocked here in the States...oh well.
There will be five adult volunteers, and surprisingly three little volunteers that we might not have any luck getting to work... :) Let me explain. The adults are a girl named Brooke, from Fargo as well, a boy from Canada whose name I can't pronounce and therefor should not attempt to spell, and myself...then there is a married couple - James and Megan (two of us), who have three children. TWINS and a little girl, all under the age of 5 years old, and they will be joining us as well. Very exciting!!
During the first three months we will stay at a property just down the road from the Africa School of Missions. A couple owns a large area of land that has a two houses and a school house on it. The couple lives in one of the houses, James, Megan and the children will stay in the other house, and the schoolhouse will be the home for the remaining three of us for the time. It was explained to me that the schoolhouse is two stories (I love two story houses). The bottom floor has a kitchen for us to use and a big open area for meetings or activities or whatever, like a family room. The upstairs is where the three of us will stay. I am not sure how it is all designed but it sounds like an adventure to me!
Carly told me that they had T-shirts made for us too...so luckily I am getting a t-shirt out of the deal :) We laughed about the similarity between those in Africa and in the States, they will do anything for a free t-shirt out there as well ...
My mind was put at ease during our conversation. My biggest concern has been getting my 12 month visitors visa. The SA consulate has not been very helpful answering my questions when I call and I have felt a bit anxious about getting the visa in time. Carly explained to me that if I don't have my visa in time I can just go without it and get an automatic 90 day visa in SA. During that time I can then apply for my 12 month visa so there is no reason for the visa to hold me back from the trip. All my concerns are finding solutions one by one.

Snow and promises....

2007-01-23T00:46:00.000+02:00

Yesterday on my way to evening service it snowed. I was so excited!!! I thought about all the worries that we have about the environment, global warming and feeling the earth is somehow self-destructing...but I saw the snow as a promise. God is in control, and He is big enough to take care of things, big enough to make it snow in Phoenix, Arizona. Who would even imagine? I was quite impressed!
Church was filled with promises as well. Can I just say right now that I love the Gathering and I feel so blessed that Tim and Holly (and my baby Jude) have come to teach and lead there? They are amazing people and I have never left the service empty. I know that it is God, that He does the work, but I believe it takes a leader that is listening to God to allow God to speak those words into our lives...so mad props to Tim Miller! Okay - back on track here...so Tim has been teaching from the book of Joshua.
It is in Joshua that the children of Israel finally cross over the Jordan river. They had been wandering for forty years and now they are right across the river from the promised land. Tim connects this to trusting God and following His directions, believing that He will be faithful in His promises...a passage stood out to me from Joshua 3 vs 3 and 4: "and they commanded the people saying, "When you see the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God, and the priests, and Levites, bearing it, then you shall set out from your place and go after it. Yet there shall be a space between you and it...do not come near it, that you may know the way by which you must go, for you have not passed this way before." In this journey I have wondered, why Africa? I have never even been there before so how can I follow Jesus to a place I have never been, FOR A YEAR no less...but this passage brought peace as I thought of God leading them as "they had never passed that way before". God was needed because it was unfamiliar. They were put into a place that required deeper trust in His directing. Same with me. If Africa was familiar, I may have a tendancy to trust my past experience and the people I know out there rather than fully trusting God's leading.

I was immunized for Rabies, Menengitis, and got my second series for Hep A&B today...fun times getting ready!